Heteroflexible -- or Fauxmosexual?

Girls barely in their teens are exploring their sexuality. And more and more often, that exploration includes same-sex behavior.

The trend has, inevitably, spawned new words. Some say they're "heteroflexible." Others sneer that they're merely "fauxmosexual."

Is it really new? More importantly -- to parents and to the teens themselves -- what does it mean? Lisa M. Diamond, PhD, assistant professor of psychology and gender studies at the University of Utah, Salt Lake City, studies young women's sexual orientations, sexual attractions, and sexual behavior.

"Women's sexual behavior is more influenced by cultural and situational and even educational factors than men's," Diamond tells WebMD. "So given that today there is more visibility of same-sex behavior, it's likely there is an increase in young women experimenting with same sex behavior -- and talking openly about their experiments."

That's true, says Charlotte Patterson, PhD, professor of psychology at the University of Virginia. Patterson's work focuses on sexual orientation and human development.

It has certainly always been true that teen girls are quick to pick up on the latest fab fads. Some 40 years ago, it was teen girls who ushered in Beatlemania. The sexual undercurrents of this phenomenon -- fairly mild by today's standards -- shocked parents of the '60s.

Dick Hall, assistant headmaster at The Lovett School in Atlanta, says teen girls' exuberant embrace of their sexuality can be a good thing.

"With the Madonna-Britney influence and all, things are much more outrageous in the popular culture these days and the girls pick it up," Hall tells WebMD. "I don't see it as unhealthy. For the most part it is girls being proud of their femininity and their strengths and not being timid or taking secondary roles. It is often a matter of pride, although they can also fall into those roles that do dim the light of individuality."

But what's happening today goes far beyond the Britney-Madonna tease-the-boys kiss. It's more than a fad.

Anthony D'Augelli, PhD, professor of human development at Penn State University, hasn't yet heard the term "heteroflexible." But he says girls today are exploring their sexuality in different ways than their mothers and grandmothers did.

"There really are changes in the way young people look at sexuality that are different than other generations," D'Augelli tells WebMD. "They don't stigmatize diversity the way we did." He says the media present positive images of woman-oriented women, and this will make a big difference in females. "There really are changes that are going on in the younger groups: destigmatized sexual discussions, sexual experimentation, and so on."

What about the boys? The experts who spoke with WebMD agree that although there's much more exposure to sexuality today than in previous generations, the phenomenon of teens openly exploring same-sex sexuality is largely limited to females.

"Since females are allowed by our culture to explore sex-role diversity -- they can be more tomboyish than boys can be sissyish -- there is more flexibility for them to explore sexuality," D'Augelli says. "There are more girls in my research that explore bisexuality than boys."

D'Augelli notes that boys are much more likely to be penalized for exhibiting behavior that goes against the norm than are girls. Patterson agrees but suggests that there's more to it than that.

"Certainly men are more stigmatized for non-heterosexual behavior than women are, because of men's higher status in our society," she says. "But there is also some degree to which our inbuilt nature as sexual creatures is different. The survey data always show women are more likely to describe themselves as bisexual than men. So you would expect on that basis alone to see more women experimenting."

So what are these young women really up to? Are they really heteroflexible? Or are they just going through a fauxmosexual phase?

"A lot of the problem is we have very simplistic ideas of sexuality and development," she explains

It isn't simple because humans aren't simple. Our sexuality is one of the most complex things about us. From time immemorial, humans have engaged in what Diamond calls "an incredible variety of behaviors." And at different times of their lives -- particularly in their youth -- individuals may engage in different kinds of sexual behavior.

"There are sexual behaviors people engage in at some early times in their lives that aren't necessarily consistent with what they end up doing," Diamond says. "Our only language is to say it's only a phase. But it is more accurate to say our sexuality is such that it is possible for people to desire and want something that runs counter to their predominant sexual disposition."

That's hard to understand for people who subscribe to what Diamond calls "the Lay's Potato Chip" theory of sexual orientation: You can't have just one.

"It's the old way of seeing things: The 'you can't have just one' theory," she says. "The old idea is that if you have one same-sex affair, you are a lesbian. But some girls do just have one same-sex affair. It is a real phenomenon. It is neither a phase nor repression. It just results from the complicated nature of sexuality during the adolescent years."

Diamond is eight years into a study in which she's following 80 women who -- between the ages of 18 and 25 -- originally identified themselves as not being exclusively heterosexual.

About half the women changed the way they identified themselves during the course of the study. Although some came to identify themselves as heterosexual, most who switched identities did so by giving up labels altogether.

A woman's sexual identity does not necessarily define her sexual attractions and sexual behaviors.

"It is such a big label in our culture," Patterson says. "Before a child is born, everyone wants to know if it's going to be a boy or girl. We wonder about their sexuality, too, and we all have our intuitions about our own kids. But when you compare parents' ideas to what the kids tell us they have become -- well, I don't know if parents are very good at telling the answer in advance."

Constantly worrying about a child's sexual orientation is an exercise in futility, Diamond says. And it may say more about the parent than the child.

"Rather than monitor their kid for signs of gayness, they should know that what you see isn't necessarily what you end up getting," Diamond says. "Not every sign of same-sex sexuality means homosexuality. But parents have to become comfortable with more sexual ambiguity than they have been used to. And some of this may be reflecting the fact that if I don't know what is happening with my child's sexuality, I am not sure what is going on with my own sexuality. Remember, fluidity is the way we are made."

"Parental reactions are important," D'Augelli says. "They have to get used to the fact that things are changing, and this is not a bad thing. Young people will eventually get to an identity that feels comfortable to them. Things are so different now."

Puberty is a time of turbulence. Traditionally, we've tried to get a handle on human sexuality by trying to fit everything into just a few simple categories. What's going on now, D'Augelli says, is a the rediscovery of true human development.

"That is scary, because most people think of their kids as heterosexual," he says. "Any divergence is scary, even for the most liberal parent. But more and more parents are going to have to deal with their children coming out in more and more ways at earlier ages. And parents are going to need to deal with what it means for them to be a sexual person."

From the end of my FR profile:

Richard was recruited at 17 years old by an older man. Richard's father was an alcoholic. Richard suffered from low self esteem and loneliness, so he was easy prey for the older experienced homosexual man.
Richard thought he was born gay. And the 12 years he lived the homosexual lifestyle he was 100% gay - he completely bought the lie. Now he is 100% recovered from, in his own words a "sick and twisted life."
How did Richard leave the homosexual lifestyle? He found some folks who really cared for him and he watched a video about the root causes of homosexuality. For Richard, his gender identity confusion came from a deep need for a father/son relationship.
Richard says: "There are many ex-gays like myself who would like to help."
Richard is one of the tens of thousands of former homosexuals.

There are many similar stories of homsexuals, that is, those only attracted to members of the same sex who have left the lifestyle, are cured, and are strictly heterosexual. When you say you doubt those people were truly homosexual, what you are really saying is that you need to keep reading:

Spitzer Study Published: Evidence Found for Effectiveness of Reorientation Therapy
Spitzer Forced to Cancel Appearance to Discuss His Ex-.Gay. Study
Supporting Documents on Spitzer
Spitzer on Homosexuals can Change, part 1
Spitzer on Homosexuals can Change, part 2
Spitzer on Homosexuals can Change, part 3

Even Dr. Robert Spitzer changed his mind.

"Since females are allowed by our culture to explore sex-role diversity -- they can be more tomboyish than boys can be sissyish

So they're calling homosexuals sissies?

Maybe they ought to define 'tomboy' -- because I was as tomboyish as they come and guy crazy from the beginning.

The women I see exploring lesbianism are far from tomboyish.

I doubt those people were truly homosexual. More likely, they were bisexual.

Well ain't that convenient.

Ignoring that nice dodge, it doesn't really MATTER what you think they were, what matters is what the person believed about him or herself because that is all anyone else has to go by. They believed they were homosexual and yet they managed to find a way to change their orientation.

A very good analogy:

On ducks and homosexuality

"the word choice can be a complicated word in this instance."

Absolutely. And I have no doubts that in the majority of cases, it is not a conscious choice as in getting up one morning and saying "I'm going to be a homosexual." But the series of actions that takes a person down that road are choices.

"I could no more choose to find sex with a man enjoyable"

You might also not choose to find eating twinkies for every meal enjoyable. But someone else might. Yet if they gave in to that temptation, no one would be running around saying 'it wasn't a choice - they were born that way.'

We may not choose what tempts us, but we do choose to resist or give in to that temptation.

I don't find anything you said unreasonable. There is a lot of confused thinking about what exactly it is that we choose. Do I choose to be sexually attracted to women? No. Do I choose to go to bed with, let's say, Stephanie on any particular occasion? Yes.

I don't think that anyone is arguing that we don't choose to actually have sex with those people with whom we actually have sex. Yes, it is a conscious choice to strip down and do it.

But that's not what makes a person gay or straight, is it? Just doing an act? I mean, anyone can do the act, whatever that act might be. It's just physical movement. I mean, I have to admit, if I were paid a million dollars to have sex with a man, I would consider it. Would that make me gay? Not in my mind.

Isn't it the desire to do the act, whatever the act might be, what places a person in the gay or straight camp? And if, as you say, desire is not chosen, how can we say that being gay or straight is chosen?

"Isn't it the desire to do the act, whatever the act might be, what places a person in the gay or straight camp?"

I guess that depends on how one chooses to define it. Would a person who has the desire to steal incessantly but resists the urge to do so still be a kleptomaniac? I would say no. You may say otherwise.

I would say, yes. Same with an alcoholic (I hear that a lot ... I'm an alchoholic and I haven't had a drink for 10 years, or whatever). And a Chirstian is or should not be so defined simply because of the church he goes to (anyone can go to any church) but by what he believes, what is inside his head.

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