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Posted on 01/26/2005 3:27:27 PM PST by ambrose
Orthodox lesbian speaks to students at U of T
By SHERI SHEFA CJN Intern
As if the life of an Orthodox Jewish woman in North America isn’t complicated enough, “Chani” is also being torn between being true to herself and the religion she honours.
“Chani” – who chose not to reveal her real name – spoke to a gathering last week at the at the University of Toronto’s Wolfond Centre for Jewish Campus Life about what it’s like to live as an Orthodox lesbian Jew.
The lecture titled “Collision of Worlds and their Rebuilding: On Being an Orthodox Lesbian Jew,” organized by Hillel of Greater Toronto’s education committee, and Kulanu, the campus gay Jewish organization, covered her journey into accepting herself as both a lesbian and a frum Jew.
“In the beginning of this journey of coming out to myself and realizing who I was, I don’t think I questioned my Jewishness or who I was as a Jew. I still knew that I wanted to be observant,” Chani said.
Growing up in a very sheltered community in New York City, without television or even a radio, she didn’t know what the word lesbian meant.
“I didn’t realize that I was different from other people. I just assumed that most girls were attracted to other girls and you get married to guys,” she said.
“There were some signs along the way,” she joked. “When most of my classmates were babysitting, I was working in a hardware store.”
By the time she was 17, she did what all the girls in her class did.
She got married, and by 21 she had three kids.
She became overwhelmed with the stress involved in raising children, so her husband, who “was becoming more modern,” decided it might be a good idea for them to get a television set.
After watching a few shows, she stumbled across the situation comedy, Ellen, which starred Ellen DeGeneres, who played a lesbian on the show.
“I’m watching this episode and I hear or see the word lesbian and everyone [the studio audience] was laughing, so I thought, ‘What does this word mean?’ And I looked it up in the dictionary,” she said.
“Finding out that I was a lesbian was a relief. It was like, Oh! Now I get it! All of a sudden all those little things make sense!”
Once she had her third child, she felt the relationship she had with her husband had become unreconcilable.
After going into therapy, to try to mend a marriage that was doomed for reasons other than her sexuality, she eventually left and took her children with her.
Leaving her husband was enough to keep her parents from speaking to her ever again – and they don’t even know she’s gay.
Despite being torn between a religion that doesn’t accept her and a lifestyle that doesn’t understand her connection to God, Chani has made peace with the fact that it is possible to be Orthodox and gay.
“When people ask me ‘Why are you a lesbian? Why are you gay? Why do you feel you need to be different?’ It is something you can’t explain, it’s something innate, something inside of us. The attraction isn’t something you decide,” she said.
In the same way that Chani couldn’t ignore her natural attraction to women, she simply could not abandon her faith in God.
“I knew that I would be throwing away a big part of who I was and I didn’t want to do that,” she said. “I can’t choose not to be frum, I can’t choose not to [have] a connection with God.”
While she said she still understands that the Orthodox community and the Torah frown upon homosexual acts, there is nothing in the text that says anything about being homosexual.
“Maybe it is easier for me because I’m a woman, and in the Jewish text, the idea of lesbian or gay is not really discussed. The actual wording has to do with a guy lying with a guy.”
(The actual passage in Leviticus states: “A man shall not lie with another man as he would lie with a woman, it is an abomination.”)
Chani said she dates Jewish women – observant and non-observant – and feels it doesn’t make her any less Jewish.
She also said she has come to realize that no Jew is perfect or can live to the letter of the law in every way. That’s why she chooses not to judge individuals the way others have judged her.
“I’m going to stop judging Judaism by the Jews… because they are just people. People make mistakes, people mess up everything. If I judged Judaism by the Jews, I wouldn’t be a Jew. Let alone Orthodox or observant or any of that,” she said.
Chani said she is not out to make anyone believe something they don’t want to believe, nor is she looking for approval.
“For me I try to believe that God loves me for who I am regardless of what I do,” she said. “I love who I am and I love every part of what makes me be the person I am, and my sexuality is part of that,”
So, what’s next for Chani?
She plans to continue taking night courses over the years to get an undergraduate degree, and she’s also hoping to do rabbinical studies. She hopes one day that Orthodox rules will be modified so that she can become a rabbi.
Things haven't been the same around the house since I watched "The Shining".
I decided to go hetero after seeing Marcia Cross in Desperate Housewives. woof woof!
Been there, done that, hon. Check out your local Reform temple or Conservative congregation.
It could happen....
I became a better person after joining FReepers!
I know you are right. That is why I am with Texas A & M.
Alouette waits for the Messiah.
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Conversion
She has to convert other Jews to Lesbianism or she will implode under the burden of her lies and hypocrisy.
Eatin' beaver ain't kosher.
I liked doing housework after watching Martha Stewart. LOL
By this chick's "logic" I can commit murder without it being a sin. Because the 10 Commandments say "thou shalt not murder". And since they were given to Moses and they don't say "Melody shalt not murder" then they clearly do not apply to me.
By that same argument, nothing in the Bible applies to me, because I am not specifically named there, and even if it says "nobody" or "everybody" then I'm still excluded because when those words were spoken I was not alive, so I could not be considered part of either of those groups.
Wow...it must be fun to be excluded from all the rules...
I was watching Star Trek when I realized I was a Klingon.
"...at these prices, I can see why!"
"Chani" is a very common nickname of Orthodox Jewish women-- it's a diminutive of Chana (Hanna).
No... that would be my wife. 8>)
The University of Toronto is a great institution. As an exchange officer with the RCAF for a year I was a guest speaker there and was tremendously impressed with the school.
"What "all the girls" in her class did?!?"
In Chassidic (extremely Orthodox) circles, it is common, in fact, expected, for girls to get married as young as 18. Because large families are valued (birth control is frowned on, except for medical reasons) it is quite common for girls at 21 to have several children already.
As far as this woman's "identity" -- the fact she wants to pursue rabbinic studies indicates her confusion not only about her gender and sexuality, but her religion. In Orthodox Judaism, women do not become rabbis.
Like I said: oxymoron.
If people understood what was going on they would go crazy. These people will stop at nothing for their goals, they have infiltrated every major organization in the world. The Catholic priests weren't pedophiles, they were outright homosexuals, sleeper cells ...
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