Posted on 01/16/2005 7:12:33 AM PST by raccoonradio
You're John Kerry, and this is the worst weekend of your life.
This is the moment when you should be preparing to take the oath of office, trying to figure out how to say, ``So help me God,'' without choking on that last word the way all good Massachusetts liberals do.
You've been globe-trotting for weeks now, bad-mouthing your own country in Third World hellholes, but now you know Joe Louis was right.
You can run but you can't hide. As Hosni Mubarak told you in Cairo, ``You don't have to go home, Senator, but you can't stay here.''
You're John Kerry, and every night sleep eludes you as toss and turn, endlessly pondering the what-ifs:
What if . . . Mary Mapes had had sense enough to go on eBay and buy a 1970 Olympic manual typewriter?
What if . . . dead people and felons were allowed to vote in Ohio like they are in King County, Washington?
What if . . . Bob Shrum had retired one election cycle sooner?
What if . . . Al Gore had never invented the Internet?
You're John Kerry and you can't even go to the game in Foxboro this afternoon, because even if you hid out in Bob Kraft's box, eventually CBS would do a cutaway, and those 60,000 Bush voters in the stands would see you up on the replay screen and give you a worse razzing than the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth.
This is more painful than ``Christmas in Cambodia,'' worse even than those weekends when you had to sleep on the couch in your ex-brother-in-law's living room.
You're John Kerry, and you flew to Baghdad to rip into someone's ``horrendous judgments'' and ``unbelievable blunders'' - and you weren't even talking about your own campaign for president.
You're John Kerry, and the song they still play when you walk into a room is ``Just a Gigolo,'' not ``Hail to the Chief.''
Here is how bad it is when you lose for president:
You fly to Paris and no one will even give you the number of Suha Arafat, a billionaire heiress who's a little on the chunky side, granted, but considering the fact that she's 25 years younger and a billion dollars richer than Mama T, no self-respecting gigolo could possibly rule her out as a prospect in next year's heiress draft.
You tell the reporters in Paris that you can't speak to them in French because you're ``rusty,'' but you weren't too ``rusty'' to address the Haitians in Florida last October.
You're John Kerry, and these same pajama-clad lowlifes who took down that great American patriot Dan Rather have the audacity to post a photo of you with Chirac in Paris with this caption:
``Est-ce qu'he Jacques, je puis m'obtenir un drapeau blanc ici?''
Translation: ``Hey Jacques, can I get me a white flag here?''
You're John F. Kerry, and don't they know who you are?
It could be worse - you could be Al Gore in 2001. You could have to sit behind Bush on Thursday when he's sworn in. No wonder Al immediately went on the Elvis Presley diet and packed on 50 pounds.
You're just a gigolo, and the saddest thing of all is to realize that even a billion dollars can't buy you the presidency. But what if you had $2 billion?
You're John Kerry, and if somebody could just set you up with Suha, dammit, you know you could turn it around in '08.
You're John Kerry, and you could win, so help you . . . somebody.
Great piece by Howie.
I had a bleep-eatin' grin on my face when I first set eyes on it :)
I bet he asked Bob Kraft if he could throw out the first football today.
Man that's blistering. Surprised to see it in the Herald
Loved it ... and the fact that it's in a Boston paper is ever richer!! great piece.
wow, that was fun to read :-)
Great sunday morning laugh
An award-winning column if ever I saw one!!!!
Most excellent. Howie is probably much closer to reality than a first glance would indicate.
Not a good week to be John Kerry - but he get's what he deserves.
LOL Excellent!
HILARIOUS!!!!
The Kerry legacy -- better than the Keystone Cops, the Three Stooges and Laurel and Hardy, all rolled into one giant dodo of a hard socialist (with a snow-board)...great article!!!
Oh, cripes -- don't go givin' them any ideas.
Who says Howie Carr doesn't know how to zing?? In this piece, he not only zings Kerry, he flat out rips him a new one.
bttt
My pleasure to post it (am a proud Herald subscriber).
I'm Bill Clinton and I'm...reporting for BOOTY
I know who Howie Carr is, but who's John Kerry? The name is sort of familar, it's like trying to remember the name of the dweeb who felt himself up in the back of Latin class in high school, but I just can't come up with it.
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