Posted on 01/13/2005 4:53:28 AM PST by Jim Noble
A few years ago at a White House Correspondents' dinner, I met a very beautiful actress. Within moments, she blurted out: "I can't believe I'm 46 and not married. Men only want to marry their personal assistants or P.R. women."
I'd been noticing a trend along these lines, as famous and powerful men took up with the young women whose job it was to tend to them and care for them in some way: their secretaries, assistants, nannies, caterers, flight attendants, researchers and fact-checkers.
Women in staff support are the new sirens because, as a guy I know put it, they look upon the men they work for as "the moon, the sun and the stars." It's all about orbiting, serving and salaaming their Sun Gods.
In all those great Tracy/Hepburn movies more than a half-century ago, it was the snap and crackle of a romance between equals that was so exciting. Moviemakers these days seem far more interested in the soothing aura of romances between unequals.
In James Brooks's "Spanglish," Adam Sandler, as a Los Angeles chef, falls for his hot Mexican maid. The maid, who cleans up after Mr. Sandler without being able to speak English, is presented as the ideal woman. The wife, played by Téa Leoni, is repellent: a jangly, yakking, overachieving, overexercised, unfaithful, shallow she-monster who has just lost her job with a commercial design firm. Picture Faye Dunaway in "Network" if she'd had to stay home, or Glenn Close in "Fatal Attraction" without the charm.
The same attraction of unequals animated Richard Curtis's "Love Actually," a 2003 holiday hit. The witty and sophisticated British prime minister, played by Hugh Grant, falls for the chubby girl who wheels the tea and scones into his office. A businessman married to the substantial Emma Thompson falls for his sultry secretary. A writer falls for his maid, who speaks only Portuguese.
(I wonder if the trend in making maids who don't speak English heroines is related to the trend of guys who like to watch Kelly Ripa in the morning with the sound turned off?)
Art is imitating life, turning women who seek equality into selfish narcissists and objects of rejection, rather than affection.
As John Schwartz of The New York Times wrote recently, "Men would rather marry their secretaries than their bosses, and evolution may be to blame."
A new study by psychology researchers at the University of Michigan, using college undergraduates, suggests that men going for long-term relationships would rather marry women in subordinate jobs than women who are supervisors.
As Dr. Stephanie Brown, the lead author of the study, summed it up for reporters: "Powerful women are at a disadvantage in the marriage market because men may prefer to marry less-accomplished women." Men think that women with important jobs are more likely to cheat on them.
"The hypothesis," Dr. Brown said, "is that there are evolutionary pressures on males to take steps to minimize the risk of raising offspring that are not their own." Women, by contrast, did not show a marked difference in their attraction to men who might work above or below them. And men did not show a preference when it came to one-night stands.
A second study, which was by researchers at four British universities and reported last week, suggested that smart men with demanding jobs would rather have old-fashioned wives, like their mums, than equals. The study found that a high I.Q. hampers a woman's chance to get married, while it is a plus for men. The prospect for marriage increased by 35 percent for guys for each 16-point increase in I.Q.; for women, there is a 40 percent drop for each 16-point rise.
So was the feminist movement some sort of cruel hoax? The more women achieve, the less desirable they are? Women want to be in a relationship with guys they can seriously talk to - unfortunately, a lot of those guys want to be in relationships with women they don't have to talk to.
I asked the actress and writer Carrie Fisher, on the East Coast to promote her novel "The Best Awful," who confirmed that women who challenge men are in trouble.
"I haven't dated in 12 million years," she said drily. "I gave up on dating powerful men because they wanted to date women in the service professions. So I decided to date guys in the service professions. But then I found out that kings want to be treated like kings, and consorts want to be treated like kings, too."
E-mail: liberties@nytimes.com
I didn't say that that was the only possible way to have a happy marriage. Though I've never personally witnessed a happy marriage between two people who were both devoted to their careers, I don't deny the possibility such a marriage might exist.
Btw, 'subservience' is not necessarily a bad word in my book, feminazis' and narcissists' protestations notwithstanding.
A mature understanding of subservience --for both men and women-- is, I believe, at the heart of Christian culture, and the first step in the road to happiness.
Congratulations on your previous happy marriage, and good luck for the future.
I learned the hard way the wisdom in your words. My husband and I married young, and had some false expectations about how our marriage would be. We each had things we needed to work on, and my need to be "right" in every disagreement was one of them. It had started to poison our relationship, to be frank. He had issues of his own, of course, and that contributed.
However, I found that swallowing my pride and doing what was necessary at the time has made us much happier as a result. It started a chain reaction of good things. To be honest, I can hardly remember the last time we disagreed with any real intensity about anything, and he pretty much worships the ground I walk on. :) Vice versa as well. We have gotten back to where we were when we first married, and even better in others!
Your advice is very practical! :)
There is some evidence that that may be the case.< / sarcasm>
If you look at the complaints of MoDo and her frustrated high-status sisters (that no one will date them and they can't get married), what they mean is that no one whom they want to date and marry will date or marry them.
They are looking for the highest of high-status men, very rare beasts, even in Manhattan.
And, since having a wife who believes in and lives sexual complementarity is the greatest assist a fast-track man can ever get, many of the small sample of men MoDo et al would date are already married.
Why does MoDo seek sucha high status man?
She's looking for Daddy.
Reality check, Maureen: Men are looking (among other things) for mommy.
Women are looking, (among other things), for daddy.
Humans are built that way. And as long as day-care with mommy working with daddy divorced and paying child support (or a turkey baster) doesn't become mandatory, they always will.
Get a life.
It took me a second try.
How pathetic is this, my wife is old fashion, she stays at home, takes care of the house and will home school our Kid (on the way)/ Kids (if we have more)... All this and she is my equal!!
I would be interested to know how much time power couples really have to talk? When I get home and the house is done we can sit down to dinner together for an hour without even a thought about what has to be done next..
She's whining. It is amazing how someone can be so old and well read and still not understand how God made human beings.
Men are hummers, women are ferrari's. No man wants a ferrari that has gone through the shop and been turned into a pseudo off road vehicle, complete with camouflage paint.
Conversely, women do not respect a hummer that's been chopped, lowered and sissyfied.
Men want freedom, women want security. Men sire children, women carry and bear them. The two are designed differently, with personalities to match the physical differences.
Maureen just refuses to accept that a hummer has better ground clearance than a ferrari, no matter how much time the ferrari spends at the shop...
Preach it from the housetops.
I would also add, that there's a vast gap between women who are *actually* smart, versus those who *think* they are. Genuinely smart women (architects, engineers, accountants, etc) are an absolute pleasure to be around. Women who think they're smart (just 'cause they've got a "college degree", however worthless), but really aren't, are arrogant, defensive, and generally a complete pain in the @$$.
I suspect that in large part this is because they secretly know that they're not very smart (despite their "degree"). They get especially upset when someone uneducated, or someone uneducated in their field, understands their own subject better than they do and can their "logic" in knots. (For example, I once dated someone with a "political science degree" who had never heard of "original intent" or "strict constructionism", and had never even considered the implications of the 10th amendment versus the illegal expansion of the commerce clause. She indignantly exclaimed that never heard of such things before, and by implication, it couldn't be true. But of course she couldn't refute any of it.)
"The Author is known as the definitive source on man/woman relationships." Here goes:
Proverbs 31:10-31 "An excellent wife, who can find? For her worth is far above jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her, And he will have no lack of gain. She does him good and not evil All the days of her life.
1. She looks for wool and flax
2. And works with her hands in delight.
3. She is like merchant ships; She brings her food from afar.
4. She rises also while it is still night And gives food to her household And portions to her maidens. (Note: the wife has MAIDENS!)
5. She considers a field and buys it;
6. From her earnings she plants a vineyard.
7. She girds herself with strength And makes her arms strong.
8. She senses that her gain is good; Her lamp does not go out at night.
9. She stretches out her hands to the distaff, And her hands grasp the spindle.
10. She extends her hand to the poor, And she stretches out her hands to the needy.
11. She is not afraid of the snow for her household, for all her household are clothed with scarlet.
12. She makes coverings for herself; Her clothing is fine linen and purple.
Her husband is known in the gates, When he sits among the elders of the land. (Question: What else does he do?)
13. She makes linen garments and sells {them,}
14. And supplies belts to the tradesmen.
15. Strength and dignity are her clothing, And she smiles at the future. She opens her mouth in wisdom, And the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.
16. She looks well to the ways of her household, And does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children rise up and bless her; Her husband {also,} and he praises her, {saying:} "Many daughters have done nobly, But you excel them all."
(And here's the kicker...) Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, {But} a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised. Give her the product of her hands, And let her works praise her in the gates."
Here's the real kicker. The woman is depicted as doing all, being all, while the husband sits with the elders. Sounds like something John Kerry would write.
Shame on you, you used the "T" word.....tradition.
It's always good to reference the Ultimate Expert.
BTW.....I like your info sheet.
Shalom too.
They are the letters ("epistles") written by St. Paul to the early church. A great portion of the New Testament is composed of the Pauline Epistles.
Thanks, I'm glad you think so. And I'm happy to read your happy story.
Dan
LOL! I'm happy to share...I firmly believe that it made a real difference for us. :)
It's not really passe, it's a calling...and not many have ears to hear themselves being called.
Yes, she looks about as warm and cuddly as a medusa. Don't know about the B12.
But she's so obviously hurting in some of the other columns she's written, I can't get enthusiastic about beating up on her. Sure, she invites it, but I'd just as soon let her crawl away and find some therapy. Starting, as you suggest, with her use of categories. And vitamins. Wish I had a wand, to give her a Bonnie Raitt transplant. It'd do wonders for her.
Of course I've known women in rough marriages who humanly could not have done a lot fundamentally to change the equation.
But on the other hand, I've known women who could very simply have done so, instantly, literally overnight.
Part of the key is in what you said: "I found that swallowing my pride...has made us much happier as a result."
That's the problem. Stubborn pride is the adulterous lover that ruins the relationship, without there even having to be another flesh and blood man.
Dan
Wow! Well said!
That's exactly right, imo. If either partner in a marriage has too much pride, then the whole operation goes kaput. It just makes people dig into their positions even harder, at the expense of the relationship, sometimes, and against all reason. :(
If it's fundamentally flawed in some way, though, your self respect and physical safety shouldn't be sacrificed.
Where are you meeting these freaks? They are only a tiny, tiny percentage of the population. Go for normal guys, you'll have better luck.
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