Posted on 01/03/2005 8:31:56 AM PST by qam1
Nita and Ken Eaton hit the stores last month, as they do every Christmas, to find just the right gifts for the youngsters on their shopping list.
The carefully chosen presents weren't for their youngsters but for their nieces and nephews.
The Eatons are part of a small but growing segment of American couples who have chosen not to have children.
"We spend a lot of time thinking about what we're going to get our nieces and nephews for Christmas. We want to get them something meaningful," said Nita Eaton, 38.
The Eatons, married for five years, never had the desire to become parents.
"People used to always say: 'Your clock is ticking. You'll change your mind. It's different when they're your own,' " Nita said. "When I worked in a law firm, we were all in the age group to have kids, and I'd go to baby shower after baby shower, and I'd have to say honestly that it never hit me."
Many childless couples say they find themselves drifting away from friends once children are added to the mix.
"We started feeling sort of socially isolated," said Andrea Wenker, 33, of Colorado Springs. "Our friends started having babies and their lives changed. It revolves around the kids, and for good reason. The kind of things you used to do with your friends aren't an option anytime.
"They're talking about childbirth and diapers. It's important to their lives, but you start feeling, 'I'm still here, I'm still a person.' You start to feel kind of invisible."
She and Peter, her husband of 13 years, are childless by choice, and she is the coordinator of Denver Metro NO KIDDING!, one of 101 chapters of an international social group of more than 10,000 couples and singles without children. The Colorado group has about 200 members, 10 to 20 of whom typically attend the monthly get-togethers.
Jerry Steinberg, of Vancouver, British Columbia, calls himself the founding non-father of NO KIDDING! He started the group in 1983, he said via e-mail, because he was losing friends as they started to have children.
"They were no longer available for phone conversations, getting together for coffee or lunch, going to see movies, or much else," he said.
"Most people who have children seem to understand why I felt the need for a social club for child-free people, since people usually like to socialize with others who share at least some of their interests and have a similar lifestyle. After all, most, if not all, of (parents') friends were made through their kids' activities - the soccer moms get together, the softball dads meet, the school parents become friends, etc."
The number of childless-by-choice couples can't easily be determined, but anecdotal evidence indicates that their ranks are growing.
The Census Bureau doesn't ask whether couples are childless by choice, but the bureau projects that the percentage of families with children under 18 will decline from 47.7 percent in 1995 to 41.3 percent by 2010.
According to the National Center for Health Statistics, 6.6 percent of American women said they were voluntarily childless in 1995, the last time researchers asked the question. The number was up from 4.9 percent in 1982 and 6.2 percent in 1988.
The State of Our Unions, a 2003 report by the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University, reported Census Bureau projections that families with children will make up only 28 percent of U.S. households by 2010, the lowest number in at least a century.
"The underlying reason that there are fewer children is basically that women have other things to do," said David Popenoe, sociology professor at Rutgers and co-director of the National Marriage Project.
"Child-rearing in modern times is expensive and can be onerous, especially after you've been living as a single person or a couple without children for a while."
The decision to choose children, however, ultimately is very rewarding, he said.
"Over the long term, it's people who have children who are the happiest," said Popenoe.
Childless couples are used to hearing that their choice is either selfish or motivated by a dislike of children.
"I think it's being honest about what your priorities are and how you use them," said Wenker. "It doesn't mean everything's about you all the time. People don't decide to be parents because they're being philanthropic; it's because they want kids."
Nita Eaton works with children as a school psychologist.
"I like kids a lot and work with them in school," she said. "I see kids out there who don't have parents. That really played into my decision. If I decided to have kids, I'd go adopt one."
Population issues drive some decisions about whether to bear children.
"Whether or not I want to have kids is not the only consideration," said Wenker. "I believe there's a problem with population, serious issues with the environment, and I believe I have to be part of the solution."
Would-be parents should carefully consider their choice, said Ken Eaton, 42.
"It's a big decision that needs to be well-thought-out. There are a lot of unwanted kids out there. People didn't take the time to think about whether they would take the time to raise them."
Couples without children say they have more time to spend with their spouses and for volunteering.
The Eatons have three greyhounds and are board members of Rocky Mountain Greyhound Adoption, which they doubt they could do if they had children.
"They take a lot of time, energy and motivation. One has various autoimmune issues, one had a leg amputated, the other had a viral infection and has pretty bad arthritis," said Ken Eaton.
Having siblings who have children, say childless couples, tends to turn down the heat on family expectations to produce grandchildren.
Nita Eaton has three brothers with children, and all three of Ken's siblings have children.
"If I were an only child, I think, the pressure would be pretty great," Nita said. "I've always been pretty outspoken. My mom's pretty much backed off."
In a culture where parenthood is the norm, those who choose to bypass the baby boom often have their decisions questioned.
"Nobody's deliberately nasty," said Wenker. "From men, I get an odd reaction. The reaction (Peter) gets is, they get this look in their eyes that he's lucky. They like to get me to admit it's possible I'll change my mind. What I have to say to that is 'It doesn't seem likely' and 'It's just not an option.'
"I like my life. My husband and I have a very close relationship. We value the time between the two of us and can't imagine that interrupted. I've never regretted it."
Nita Eaton said she felt like an outsider when they moved into a neighborhood filled with young children.
"The woman who sold us our house said the neighbors had been asking how many kids we have," she said.
There is no cultural celebratory template for women who decide not to have children.
"I've thrown baby showers for girlfriends, and it's kind of this rite of passage," said Wenker. "We're going to buy you presents to get you started and treat you like Queen for a Day. It doesn't occur to anybody to celebrate a child-free woman in that way."
Some people are way ahead of you:
http://www.vhemt.org/
Some couples feel happy being with each other and finding their mutual company fulfilling. Have kids changes everything and you have to always put them ahead of each other. For some husbands and wives its too big a hassle.
Why thank you! I personally own an H&K USP 45 compact, but I think Ms. Wenker can sufficiently use a Beretta 9mm to end her terrible impact on the environment for us all!
Good to see another mother-of-seven around here! I'm the oldest of seven myself, I know what an interesting circus that can be!
I tend to agree. What harm do these folks do by choosing not to have kids?
They made it other people's business by whining to a reporter about how they're "neglected" and "not celebrated." Otherwise we wouldn't be having this thread!
I agree. I am a big supporter of traditional marriage, but at the same time I have experienced more than my fair share of disdain and condescension from fellow conservatives who assume I'm liberal because I'm unmarried or who act as though I must have something wrong with me to not be married already. I think parenting is a high calling, yet I also think that even some of us who would love to be parents may never experience it for various reasons not related to selfishness.
The problem I've always had with baby showers and reams of congratulations is that any idiot can make a baby. The achievement lies in raising the kid into a respectable human being. I think it better to wait 16 years or whatever, see how the kid has turned out, and then hand over your congratulations and gifts (or not)! LOL
No, I just found it sad that after their husbands died they had no one close to take care of them.
The hostility comes from the fact that this is a conservative website that often discusses things like abortion,etc. The idea that people wouldn't want to have children sounds strange to some people. It really IS no one's business but they opened it up for discussion by putting themselves in a news article.
This fits right in with the ABA model divorce code which evisions children as a MERE ACCESSORY to marriage. In other words marriage is only a means of ADULT behavior.
Why is this important? Because this fits in with homosexual marriage advocated by the ABA and other groups. As long as marriage is tied as an institution raising children then there will never be viability to homosexual marriage.
This article is nothing but propaganda since the childless couple described is acting as AUNT AND UNCLE and at any time could subsitute for mother and father without being notice.
Homosexuals deride normal people as "breeders", a check of the author of this article would probably reveal support for the homo-agenda.
Goebles would be proud.
Circus it is :-). I don't care whether this lady has kids, but complaints about overpopulation are based on the idea that other people are less valuable than Herself.
Just venting after the holidays. Spent two weeks with them. Far too long to be visiting parents.
Good luck to you and thanks for your service!
Partial to Sig myself.
"...Being childless and having abortions are from the same root: selfishness. Period, end of story. If you could have, but do not have, kids, why waste the oxygen? I know this is harsh, but...
Please get a grip on yourself! Would you make this same statement in the worst areas of Detroit, Philadelphia, Camden, or South Central Los Angeles? The residents of those areas can all have kids. Will you harshly criticize those who choose to remain childless?
~ Blue Jays ~
Both taxes are unfair, in my opinion. FWIW. :)
Did you just coin that phraze? LOL
That's a good one, just one degree from Diesel Dykes.
Might be due to what part of the country in which you live. Where I live(about an hour's away from NYC), no one really cares what your marital status is.
You know the type. They're heterosexual but they're angry that other women don't join them in their liberal child-free fantasy. The husband is there for social party invites that are couples only, and maybe the extra paycheck.
You don't know what the F you are talking about...I am about conservative as they come and I am no feminist either. I have been married for seven years and for personal reasons we choose to remain childless and there are all sorts of reasons some couples decide to remain childless.
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.