Posted on 01/03/2005 8:31:56 AM PST by qam1
Nita and Ken Eaton hit the stores last month, as they do every Christmas, to find just the right gifts for the youngsters on their shopping list.
The carefully chosen presents weren't for their youngsters but for their nieces and nephews.
The Eatons are part of a small but growing segment of American couples who have chosen not to have children.
"We spend a lot of time thinking about what we're going to get our nieces and nephews for Christmas. We want to get them something meaningful," said Nita Eaton, 38.
The Eatons, married for five years, never had the desire to become parents.
"People used to always say: 'Your clock is ticking. You'll change your mind. It's different when they're your own,' " Nita said. "When I worked in a law firm, we were all in the age group to have kids, and I'd go to baby shower after baby shower, and I'd have to say honestly that it never hit me."
Many childless couples say they find themselves drifting away from friends once children are added to the mix.
"We started feeling sort of socially isolated," said Andrea Wenker, 33, of Colorado Springs. "Our friends started having babies and their lives changed. It revolves around the kids, and for good reason. The kind of things you used to do with your friends aren't an option anytime.
"They're talking about childbirth and diapers. It's important to their lives, but you start feeling, 'I'm still here, I'm still a person.' You start to feel kind of invisible."
She and Peter, her husband of 13 years, are childless by choice, and she is the coordinator of Denver Metro NO KIDDING!, one of 101 chapters of an international social group of more than 10,000 couples and singles without children. The Colorado group has about 200 members, 10 to 20 of whom typically attend the monthly get-togethers.
Jerry Steinberg, of Vancouver, British Columbia, calls himself the founding non-father of NO KIDDING! He started the group in 1983, he said via e-mail, because he was losing friends as they started to have children.
"They were no longer available for phone conversations, getting together for coffee or lunch, going to see movies, or much else," he said.
"Most people who have children seem to understand why I felt the need for a social club for child-free people, since people usually like to socialize with others who share at least some of their interests and have a similar lifestyle. After all, most, if not all, of (parents') friends were made through their kids' activities - the soccer moms get together, the softball dads meet, the school parents become friends, etc."
The number of childless-by-choice couples can't easily be determined, but anecdotal evidence indicates that their ranks are growing.
The Census Bureau doesn't ask whether couples are childless by choice, but the bureau projects that the percentage of families with children under 18 will decline from 47.7 percent in 1995 to 41.3 percent by 2010.
According to the National Center for Health Statistics, 6.6 percent of American women said they were voluntarily childless in 1995, the last time researchers asked the question. The number was up from 4.9 percent in 1982 and 6.2 percent in 1988.
The State of Our Unions, a 2003 report by the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University, reported Census Bureau projections that families with children will make up only 28 percent of U.S. households by 2010, the lowest number in at least a century.
"The underlying reason that there are fewer children is basically that women have other things to do," said David Popenoe, sociology professor at Rutgers and co-director of the National Marriage Project.
"Child-rearing in modern times is expensive and can be onerous, especially after you've been living as a single person or a couple without children for a while."
The decision to choose children, however, ultimately is very rewarding, he said.
"Over the long term, it's people who have children who are the happiest," said Popenoe.
Childless couples are used to hearing that their choice is either selfish or motivated by a dislike of children.
"I think it's being honest about what your priorities are and how you use them," said Wenker. "It doesn't mean everything's about you all the time. People don't decide to be parents because they're being philanthropic; it's because they want kids."
Nita Eaton works with children as a school psychologist.
"I like kids a lot and work with them in school," she said. "I see kids out there who don't have parents. That really played into my decision. If I decided to have kids, I'd go adopt one."
Population issues drive some decisions about whether to bear children.
"Whether or not I want to have kids is not the only consideration," said Wenker. "I believe there's a problem with population, serious issues with the environment, and I believe I have to be part of the solution."
Would-be parents should carefully consider their choice, said Ken Eaton, 42.
"It's a big decision that needs to be well-thought-out. There are a lot of unwanted kids out there. People didn't take the time to think about whether they would take the time to raise them."
Couples without children say they have more time to spend with their spouses and for volunteering.
The Eatons have three greyhounds and are board members of Rocky Mountain Greyhound Adoption, which they doubt they could do if they had children.
"They take a lot of time, energy and motivation. One has various autoimmune issues, one had a leg amputated, the other had a viral infection and has pretty bad arthritis," said Ken Eaton.
Having siblings who have children, say childless couples, tends to turn down the heat on family expectations to produce grandchildren.
Nita Eaton has three brothers with children, and all three of Ken's siblings have children.
"If I were an only child, I think, the pressure would be pretty great," Nita said. "I've always been pretty outspoken. My mom's pretty much backed off."
In a culture where parenthood is the norm, those who choose to bypass the baby boom often have their decisions questioned.
"Nobody's deliberately nasty," said Wenker. "From men, I get an odd reaction. The reaction (Peter) gets is, they get this look in their eyes that he's lucky. They like to get me to admit it's possible I'll change my mind. What I have to say to that is 'It doesn't seem likely' and 'It's just not an option.'
"I like my life. My husband and I have a very close relationship. We value the time between the two of us and can't imagine that interrupted. I've never regretted it."
Nita Eaton said she felt like an outsider when they moved into a neighborhood filled with young children.
"The woman who sold us our house said the neighbors had been asking how many kids we have," she said.
There is no cultural celebratory template for women who decide not to have children.
"I've thrown baby showers for girlfriends, and it's kind of this rite of passage," said Wenker. "We're going to buy you presents to get you started and treat you like Queen for a Day. It doesn't occur to anybody to celebrate a child-free woman in that way."
Yeah. Why do you ask?
He had a lot of the same ideas. "Excess population" and all that.
Why?
Other than the aforememtioned social security/welfare state reasons, is there any rational reason why the US needs to increase its population?
There are things I do with my wife that I don't do with my friends, including having children. 8-)
Because that is something that society, government etc. can deal with in a concrete matter. Whether or not a child makes it to heaven isn't something government can do much about.
The difference is intent. Infertile couples aren't infertile by choice.
There's also the category of people past the child-bearing age who get married. For some of these people, it's better for society, and for them, to get married rather than to become "dirty old men" (or women). As St. Paul said:
1 Corinthians 7:8-9Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.
The Catholic position is that the purpose of intercourse is two-fold, the unity of the couple and the generation of children.
Observing the Natural LawIf you click on the link you'll find a full explication of the Catholic position. It's quite beautiful. You'll also find that the pope's predictions regarding male/female relationships in light of the widespread use of contraceptives to be prophetic.11. The sexual activity, in which husband and wife are intimately and chastely united with one another, through which human life is transmitted, is, as the recent Council recalled, "noble and worthy.'' (11) It does not, moreover, cease to be legitimate even when, for reasons independent of their will, it is foreseen to be infertile. For its natural adaptation to the expression and strengthening of the union of husband and wife is not thereby suppressed. The fact is, as experience shows, that new life is not the result of each and every act of sexual intercourse. God has wisely ordered laws of nature and the incidence of fertility in such a way that successive births are already naturally spaced through the inherent operation of these laws. The Church, nevertheless, in urging men to the observance of the precepts of the natural law, which it interprets by its constant doctrine, teaches that each and every marital act must of necessity retain its intrinsic relationship to the procreation of human life. (12)
Union and Procreation
12. This particular doctrine, often expounded by the magisterium of the Church, is based on the inseparable connection, established by God, which man on his own initiative may not break, between the unitive significance and the procreative significance which are both inherent to the marriage act.
The reason is that the fundamental nature of the marriage act, while uniting husband and wife in the closest intimacy, also renders them capable of generating new life—and this as a result of laws written into the actual nature of man and of woman. And if each of these essential qualities, the unitive and the procreative, is preserved, the use of marriage fully retains its sense of true mutual love and its ordination to the supreme responsibility of parenthood to which man is called. We believe that our contemporaries are particularly capable of seeing that this teaching is in harmony with human reason.
Humanae Vitae
Pope Paul VI
Those days never existed. Women were always welcome in the professions, the arts, etc. It's just that very few ever bothered, back in the old days. So says my mother, who was indeed one of those few. She was never sexually harassed, she never ran into a glass ceiling, was never discriminated against. But when she had a baby at 43, she knew enough to stay home with me.
The glass ceiling, so called, is NEW, and it was created to keep hostile, ideologically driven feminists (who entered the workplace for all the wrong reasons) from ruining things by their bad attitudes.
On a economic level, people are wealth. Any conservative or libertarian economist will tell you that. So the question becomes, why does the US need wealth?
But the most rational reason of all is because God has commanded us to do so.
Incidentally, "overpopulation" is a myth.
Lets say we give all 6 billion people on the planet 1,000 square feet each, did you realize that they all would fit very easily into the state of Texas (with over 1,300 billion square feet left over!).
• Texas has 262,015 square miles of land
Which equals 7,304,558,976,000 square feet (262,015 x 27,878,400*) in Texas
• Each person gets 1,000 square feet of land
• The world population is currently almost 6 billion people (as of 1999)
• 6 billion x 1,000 square feet per person equals
6,000,000,000,000 square feet needed
________________________________
Grandchildren are the coolest things to ever hit the earth.
You're preaching to the wrong choir. I'm an atheist.
"The glass ceiling, so called, is NEW, and it was created to keep hostile, ideologically driven feminists (who entered the workplace for all the wrong reasons) from ruining things by their bad attitudes."
Well, what kind of "ceiling" or barrier is there for men who are ideologically driven and can ruin things by their bad attitudes?
I am really amazed at the kind of discrimination I have seen posted here. If you were to say the same thing about African Americans, would you not be labeled a bigot?
I understandable that you might be upset but you should not say things that you don't mean. People who don't get married and/or don't have children merely because they just don't wanna are missing out. I try not to judge because some can't and others have good reasons but I don't believe that anybody (with or without) is happy with God all the time, it's not natural.
Men don't enter the workforce for ideological reasons. Men enter the workforce because they HAVE TO. And bad attitudes in men are economically punished, sooner or later.
I am really amazed at the kind of discrimination I have seen posted here. If you were to say the same thing about African Americans, would you not be labeled a bigot?
Telling the truth isn't bigotry.
I would submit to you that those couples who are "infertile by choice" are doing the world a favor and rather than being called names such as "selfish", they should be thanked for not bringing children into the world who would be treated as an inconvenience or even resented. The last thing this world needs is another neglected, resented child growing up to be a mass murderer or something. No child deserves to be raised like that.
If they're yours, I'm sure that to you, they are. To me, they're just children. They may be cute and smart, but they're just children.
Right. I'm so special that I simply MUST pass on my genes...
Whatever.
Of course grandkids are best if they're yours. The point is that without first having and raising kids you don't get to find out how coll grandkids are.
It's important not to get a big rock and hit yourself over the head with it until your skull is fractured. Jesus neglected that instruction.
Just conjecture here, but, it's part of the freedom that He gives us. We are free to turn our back on what is natural - marry the other sex, not have children and not hit our heads with rocks until our skull is fractured.
Then we can reap what we sow, with a fractured society and our brains running out our ears.
Okay, well you've all convinced me. I'm going to quit using the marketable skills that God gave me and not work anymore. And I'm going to ignore the fact that I don't want kids, and that my husband doesn't want kids, and just have them anyway. Then I'll be doing my duty to society. I won't be annoying anyone with my career goals. I can then be as self-righteous as all of you parents. I'm sure God will like me better, too.
(I'm not usually so sarcastic, but you people have driven me to the brink!)
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