Posted on 01/03/2005 8:31:56 AM PST by qam1
Nita and Ken Eaton hit the stores last month, as they do every Christmas, to find just the right gifts for the youngsters on their shopping list.
The carefully chosen presents weren't for their youngsters but for their nieces and nephews.
The Eatons are part of a small but growing segment of American couples who have chosen not to have children.
"We spend a lot of time thinking about what we're going to get our nieces and nephews for Christmas. We want to get them something meaningful," said Nita Eaton, 38.
The Eatons, married for five years, never had the desire to become parents.
"People used to always say: 'Your clock is ticking. You'll change your mind. It's different when they're your own,' " Nita said. "When I worked in a law firm, we were all in the age group to have kids, and I'd go to baby shower after baby shower, and I'd have to say honestly that it never hit me."
Many childless couples say they find themselves drifting away from friends once children are added to the mix.
"We started feeling sort of socially isolated," said Andrea Wenker, 33, of Colorado Springs. "Our friends started having babies and their lives changed. It revolves around the kids, and for good reason. The kind of things you used to do with your friends aren't an option anytime.
"They're talking about childbirth and diapers. It's important to their lives, but you start feeling, 'I'm still here, I'm still a person.' You start to feel kind of invisible."
She and Peter, her husband of 13 years, are childless by choice, and she is the coordinator of Denver Metro NO KIDDING!, one of 101 chapters of an international social group of more than 10,000 couples and singles without children. The Colorado group has about 200 members, 10 to 20 of whom typically attend the monthly get-togethers.
Jerry Steinberg, of Vancouver, British Columbia, calls himself the founding non-father of NO KIDDING! He started the group in 1983, he said via e-mail, because he was losing friends as they started to have children.
"They were no longer available for phone conversations, getting together for coffee or lunch, going to see movies, or much else," he said.
"Most people who have children seem to understand why I felt the need for a social club for child-free people, since people usually like to socialize with others who share at least some of their interests and have a similar lifestyle. After all, most, if not all, of (parents') friends were made through their kids' activities - the soccer moms get together, the softball dads meet, the school parents become friends, etc."
The number of childless-by-choice couples can't easily be determined, but anecdotal evidence indicates that their ranks are growing.
The Census Bureau doesn't ask whether couples are childless by choice, but the bureau projects that the percentage of families with children under 18 will decline from 47.7 percent in 1995 to 41.3 percent by 2010.
According to the National Center for Health Statistics, 6.6 percent of American women said they were voluntarily childless in 1995, the last time researchers asked the question. The number was up from 4.9 percent in 1982 and 6.2 percent in 1988.
The State of Our Unions, a 2003 report by the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University, reported Census Bureau projections that families with children will make up only 28 percent of U.S. households by 2010, the lowest number in at least a century.
"The underlying reason that there are fewer children is basically that women have other things to do," said David Popenoe, sociology professor at Rutgers and co-director of the National Marriage Project.
"Child-rearing in modern times is expensive and can be onerous, especially after you've been living as a single person or a couple without children for a while."
The decision to choose children, however, ultimately is very rewarding, he said.
"Over the long term, it's people who have children who are the happiest," said Popenoe.
Childless couples are used to hearing that their choice is either selfish or motivated by a dislike of children.
"I think it's being honest about what your priorities are and how you use them," said Wenker. "It doesn't mean everything's about you all the time. People don't decide to be parents because they're being philanthropic; it's because they want kids."
Nita Eaton works with children as a school psychologist.
"I like kids a lot and work with them in school," she said. "I see kids out there who don't have parents. That really played into my decision. If I decided to have kids, I'd go adopt one."
Population issues drive some decisions about whether to bear children.
"Whether or not I want to have kids is not the only consideration," said Wenker. "I believe there's a problem with population, serious issues with the environment, and I believe I have to be part of the solution."
Would-be parents should carefully consider their choice, said Ken Eaton, 42.
"It's a big decision that needs to be well-thought-out. There are a lot of unwanted kids out there. People didn't take the time to think about whether they would take the time to raise them."
Couples without children say they have more time to spend with their spouses and for volunteering.
The Eatons have three greyhounds and are board members of Rocky Mountain Greyhound Adoption, which they doubt they could do if they had children.
"They take a lot of time, energy and motivation. One has various autoimmune issues, one had a leg amputated, the other had a viral infection and has pretty bad arthritis," said Ken Eaton.
Having siblings who have children, say childless couples, tends to turn down the heat on family expectations to produce grandchildren.
Nita Eaton has three brothers with children, and all three of Ken's siblings have children.
"If I were an only child, I think, the pressure would be pretty great," Nita said. "I've always been pretty outspoken. My mom's pretty much backed off."
In a culture where parenthood is the norm, those who choose to bypass the baby boom often have their decisions questioned.
"Nobody's deliberately nasty," said Wenker. "From men, I get an odd reaction. The reaction (Peter) gets is, they get this look in their eyes that he's lucky. They like to get me to admit it's possible I'll change my mind. What I have to say to that is 'It doesn't seem likely' and 'It's just not an option.'
"I like my life. My husband and I have a very close relationship. We value the time between the two of us and can't imagine that interrupted. I've never regretted it."
Nita Eaton said she felt like an outsider when they moved into a neighborhood filled with young children.
"The woman who sold us our house said the neighbors had been asking how many kids we have," she said.
There is no cultural celebratory template for women who decide not to have children.
"I've thrown baby showers for girlfriends, and it's kind of this rite of passage," said Wenker. "We're going to buy you presents to get you started and treat you like Queen for a Day. It doesn't occur to anybody to celebrate a child-free woman in that way."
I don't understand that, but I hope things go well for you in your life.
He most assuredly has...five fold! LOL
God Bless you as well. :)
Best response on this thread!
Bring it on! 8-)
Seriously, when my sister came over our house for Christmas she was greeted by my mother-in-law with, "egg nog gives me gas." My sister looked a little surprised and said, "Merry Christmas!"
Yeah but they only do it in one generation.
My mother-in-law is an "old lady" who has lived in BOTH
Az and Fla.(currently in FLA) --the rest of the family is in Illinois and NJ, but her eldest son lives a few miles from her in Ft. Lauderdale. Currently her biggest problem is her boyfriend from "the complex" not wanting committment
and possibly finding out she's 87, when he's 77. High school all over again .
Sure, but that doesn't change the fact that they are net contributors to society, even over the long run.
My life and my husbands life, our wants and desires, is our highest priority, yes. Your priority of raising children is really about your desires too, and there is nothing wrong with that. Feel good about it. People love raising kids, or sometimes decide not to, because it is ~their~ desire to live that life. Neither choice is an illness. It's just people living their shot at the life of their choosing is all.
One of the more popular personalized license plate holders in the state of Florida..usually seen on BIG RV's..says' "I'm spending my children's inheritence"
BTW, you ignored the much more serious part of my post, and focused on the part you could slam me about. Don't think I didn't notice.
Willful exclusion of children is grounds for an anullment.
Willful exclusion of children (Canon 1101, sec. 2)Regarding natural marriage, I found this:You or your spouse married intending, either explicitly or implicitly, to deny the other's right to sexual acts open to procreation.
Traditionally speaking, the primary purpose of marriage is the generation and nurturing of offspring; the second purpose is the mutual help of spouses, and the third is the remedy for concupiscence.1 Even before marriage was perfected by grace in the Sacrament of Matrimony, God called His people to love and serve Him and each other in the married state. The intimate community of life and love which constitutes the married state has been established by the Creator and endowed by Him with its own proper laws . . . God Himself is the author of marriage. 2Marriage is the natural, indissoluble union, perfected by the Sacrament, between one man and one woman directed towards the purpose of preserving the human race by generating and raising children. Marriage is also ordered to the mutual help of spouses and the remedy for sexual desire. This definition of marriage as a natural institution can be arrived at by common sense. Nature implants in men and women an instinct that impels them to seek the companionship of marriage and in this companionship, husband and wife are able to hope for help and an easing of their physical discomforts as they get older.3
Sadly, in my town, there are an awful lot of people who are so consumed by living the parenthood script that I doubt they even remember their childrens' names. Just as a few people who are parents castigate the childless, there are also parents who feel "it is all about THEM".
"Well, if you have priorities in life that would seriously conflict with having children, I would have to say that it's probably best to not have them."
I agree.
"It's not nearly as disruptive as they think it is...unless you are a complete party animal."
As a mother, I'd have to disagree with that. Having children is disruptive and in my case, I'd say that is good. Once my son was born, friends and parties were forced to the back of the line. Suddenly, my life and the life of my husband were no longer about us....it was about our son and doing right by him. It's a huge undertaking when having kids and most don't realize that until they have kids of there own.
I am not Catholic or bound to Catholic custom, but your example is of a couple who are not of the same mind, not those couples who mutually agree.
I suppose you are right. I guess I just don't think of kids as a disruption, per se. It's just a shift.
Or chaos, perhaps. :) LOL
That's always been my favorite license plate motto.
kids ain't the distraction..now, grandchildren...
Debt? Like what kind?
hate relying on government schools for education - I sent my kids to private school as long as I could. I do not think a cent of government money should be spent on day care, including head start. In fact, I wish there was no such thing as a government school, beginning with preschool all the way through university.
It's gonna be a long while before I get the pleasure of grandkids. *sigh*
I get an inkling, though, from being an aunt! :)
Run the clock ahead a few years on France and you get a Muslim nation. Why? Muslims have babies, the French don't.
Just because you don't like the truth does not make it any less true.
If you want to say "After me, the deluge" that is your right, and I never proposed taking it away.
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.