Accounts of exchanges: airline pilots and control towers around the world! (TOO FUNNY!)

Private Email | DECEMBER 10, 2004 | Unknown

[CHARLITE]

Accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers around the world.

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Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

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"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

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From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f... ing bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f... ing bored, not f... ing stupid!"

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O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

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A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight.

While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

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A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.

San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

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There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."

Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.

"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

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Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."

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A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in

Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

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Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact

Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

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One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.

Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

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The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.

So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206 Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."

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While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:

"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone,

asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

[Maigrey]

Ping!!!

[OSHA]

Thanks! I used to work on B52's. That's another nice pic for my collection.

[Politicalities]

Supposedly, these are comments taken from squawk sheets for military aircraft... they're funny, but I take them with a grain of salt.

Squawk: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Reply: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Squawk: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Reply: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

Squawk #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Reply #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
Squawk #2: "#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."

Squawk: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."

Squawk: "Something loose in cockpit."
Reply: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Squawk: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Reply: "Evidence removed."

Squawk: "Number three engine missing."
Reply: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

Squawk: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Reply: "Volume set to more believable level."

Squawk: Dead bugs on windshield.
Reply: Live bugs on order.

Squawk: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
Reply: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Squawk: IFF inoperative.
Reply: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

Squawk: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Reply: That's what they're there for.

[zakker500]

I still have that built-in FAA triple redundancy...

[Americanwolf]

at least your honest.

[Boiling point]

Those are great! I got an e-mail a few years ago that had the comments of aircraft mechanics on service reports. There were some great ones. From memory...
Pilots report: Evidence of hydraulic fluid leaking from landing gear.
Mechanic: Evidence removed.

Pilots report: Plane does not hold course in auto pilot.
Mechanic: Plane not equipped with auto pilot.

Pilots report: At altitude in auto pilot, plane suddenly looses several thousand feet in altitude.
Mechanic: Could not reproduce condition on the ground.

Pilots report: Dead bugs on windshield.
Mechanic: Live bugs on back order.

Pilots report: Left front tire almost needs replacing.
Mechanic: Almost replaced tire.

[Petruchio]

[Petruchio]

Tower: "LH 405 please confirm You are an Airbus 340"
LH405: "LH405 sure we are a A340"
Tower: "Okay, LH405 then would you please fire up the other two turbines and show me a 1200' climb, switch DEP on 124.8, good day!"

[timydnuc]

After getting my license in West Texas. I had to fly through DFW air space. I was a bit nervous but determined to do this thing. It was a bright clear day so, away I went radio chattering. I was flying a Cessna 180 and I was alone. Upon entering control airspace I contacted the controller and gave him a little too much information very quickly and very nervously. I must have gotten handed off to another controller because a thick Texas accent came back and asked, "This is your first time through here"? I answered that it was. Next question, "Ink dry on the license yet"? "Yes sir", said I. "Do ya know what them numbers on that fancy compass mean"? "Yes Sir", was my reply. "Does that altimeter work in your aircraft"? "Yes Sir", again was the reply. "Do ya know what BIG airplanes look like"? "Listen to me, stay out of the way of those BIG airplanes and this will be a day at the beach". Then he began to bark orders at me and I obeyed. All in all it was a great experience.

[Boiling point]

Ha! Thats it! I must have been typing while you were posting,

[KillTime]

Not a Tower-Pilot exchange, but I read this in some mag once.

A pilot was bringing his plane in for a landing, but had to go through some extreemly rough air; so much so that the plane was just bouncing all over the place and he never got on the mic to warn his passengers. Finely the plane landed and it was a pretty hard one, too.

He was rather embarrased for not warning his passangers, but went out to say farewell as folks exited the plane and he was relieved no one said anything as they left. But the last person out was a little old lady who asked him: "Was that a normal landing or did we crash?"

[JusPasenThru]

BTTT.

[Velveeta]

Funny, funny stuff. Thanks!

[oldtimer]

LOL

[RippleFire]

bump

[bd476]

It is very honorable for the Marine to serve our country and he was the kind one to talk to me and share a little bit about himself. :)

That's right, it's good when pilots point out landmarks. For some reason though, the last couple of times we flew the pilots were remarkably silent, except when we hit some light turbulence and then they asked us to remain seated and to buckle up.

[pop-aye]

hard to read screen with coffee spewed on it... Thanks.

[LiteKeeper]

read later

[listenhillary]

Ping!

[trussell]

"Yes, dear. Ta-ta!"

Thank you for the ping!!