Christmas cards and letters for our Troops in Iraq and Afghanistan
Care packages and Thank-you Notes for our Troops in Afghanistan
Christmas for our Troops in Kirkuk
WRITE A THANK YOU NOTE TO A SOLDIER IN IRAQ THIS MEMORIAL DAY WEEKEND
The wife replied, "I'd like to dear, but remember, I have my gynelogical exam first thing in the morning, and I want to stay fresh for that."
The husband replied, "Oh," and rolled over to his side of the bed.
A few moments later the husband says, "Honey, do you have a dentist appointment in the morning too?"
"What`s the difference between Windows XP and John Kerry? Windows XP works once in a while."
So this blonde police officer pulls over another blonde for speeding and asks her for her drivers license.
The blonde driver begins searching in her purse to no avail, after a few minutes she looks up at the officer ans asks what it looks like. the officer says " It's about "so" big and has your picture on it."
She looks a little longer, finds her compact, opens it up see's her image and says "here it is" handing it to the officer.
The blonde officer takes it from her looks at it, sees her reflection and says "Oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't realize you were a police officer, you can go."
What's European hell? The French are the mechanics, the English are the cooks, the Germans are the police, the Swiss are the lovers, and the Italians are the administrators.
2 UNCLES!!!!!!!
From the Canteen......
SIGNS
On a Septic Tank Truck sign:
"We're #1 in the #2 business."
There was John Kerry struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark. As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with two men aboard. One of the men, President George W. Bush quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side while Dick Cheney reached out and pulled the bleeding, semi-conscious John Kerry from the water. Then using (autographed Round Rock Express) baseball bats, the two heroes beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat.
Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach. "I give you my blessings for your brave actions," he told them. "I heard that there was some bitter hatred between President Bush and John Kerry, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true."
As the Pope drove off, President Bush asked Dick "Who was that?"
"It was the Pope," Dick replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has all of God's wisdom."
"Well," President Bush said, "he may have access to God's wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about shark fishing........ how's the bait holding up?"
You Might Be A Redneck If:
You've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong table.
Thanksgiving dinner is squirrel and dumplings.
You've ever re-used a paper plate.
If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say
Cool Whip on the side.
If you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.
On Thanksgiving Day you have to decide which pet to eat.
Your turkey platter is an old hub cap.
Your best dishes have Dixie printed on them.
Your stuffings secret ingredient comes from the bait shop.
Your only condiment on the dining room table is ketchup.
Side dishes include beef jerky and Moon Pies.
You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
Your secret family recipe is illegal.
You serve Vienna Sausage as an appetizer.
Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
At a Budapest Zoo:
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.
Doctor's office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan:
COOLS AND HEATS: IF YOU WANT TO CONDITION OF COOL AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.
In a Nairobi Restaurant:
CUSTOMER WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
On the grounds of private school:
NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION.
On an Athi River highway:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.
In a city restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO.
A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:
DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS.
In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.
Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
Hotel room notice, Chiang-Mai,Thailand:
PLEASE DO NOT BRING SOLICITORS INTO YOUR ROOM.
Hotel brochure, Italy:
THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE.
Hotel lobby, Bucharest:
THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME, WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE.
Hotel elevator, Paris:
PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK.
Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
In an East African newspaper:
A NEW SWIMMING POOL IS RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SINCE THE CONTRACTORS HAVE THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS.
Hotel, Vienna:
IN CASE OF FIRE, DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HOTEL PORTER.
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Hotel Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.
An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.
A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME. Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand: WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS? Airline ticket office, Copenhagen: WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
I need to talk to your Pa...
A Kansas Farmer got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring farm And knocked at the farmhouse door.
A young boy about 12 opened the door.
Is yer pa home?" the farmer asked.
"No sir, he ain't," the boy replied.
"He went into town."
Well, said the farmer, is yer Ma here?"
"No, sir, she ain't here neither.
She went into town with pa."
How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"He went with Ma and pa."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely.
"I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer pa."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably,
"I really wanted to talk to yer pa.
It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Dorothy, pregnant."
The boy considered for a moment.
"You would have to talk to Pa about that", he finally conceded.
"If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the hog, "but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard."
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked,” What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's John Kerry's clock?" asked the man.
"John Kerry's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
.....about 2nd Lt. Mitchell Clapp, Randolph AFB TX.
Every second lieutenant acquires embarrassing memories when he wears gold bars; it seems to come with the job. The first time the Air Force sent me on temporary duty by myself, I experienced probably the most embarrassing moment in my life, which I tell here in hopes that other butter bars out there won't make the same mistake.
I was traveling from Wright-Patterson AFB OH to Vandenberg AFB CA one spring, and the flight scheduled me for a two-hour layover in the St. Louis MO airport. I decided to hit the snack bar and bought a cup of coffee, a package of Oreos and a newspaper. After giving the cashier the nine bucks or so these items cost, I scanned the crowded sitting area for a place to relax. The lounge was crowded, but there appeared to be a spot across from a fellow in a military uniform of some sort. "Great!" I thought, "another soldier. Maybe he can tell me about life in the forces.
With my coffee on the right side of the table, my newspaper on the left and my Oreos in the center, I sat down before I took my first close look at the man opposite me. He was a Marine corps brigadier general, a mean-looking man with no hair, an honest-to-God scar on his forehead, and about six rows of ribbons, including the Silver Star with a cluster. To me, the general had horns, fangs, a pitchfork and a long, pointed tail as well. I was already committed to using the table, but not wanting to bother the general, I meekly squeaked out, "Good morning, sir," before sitting down.
I had begun the paper's crossword puzzle and was making good progress when I heard a peculiar rustling sound, much like the crinkling of cellophane. I looked up out of the corner of my eye to discover the general had reached across the center of the table, opened the package of Oreos, taken out one and was eating it. Now, not having attended the Air Force Academy, I was not familiar with how to deal with the finer points of military etiquette, such as what to do when a senior member of another service calmly rips off one of your cookies.
Several responses came to mind, but none of these seemed entirely appropriate. I realized that the honor of the Air Force was, in a small way, at stake here. I certainly couldn't let the general think I was a complete weenie. Besides, at airport prices, one Oreo is a significant fraction of take home pay for a second lieutenant. The only response I could make was to reach across the center of the table, open the opposite end of the package (trying not to notice that the other end had mysteriously come open somehow), extract an Oreo and eat it very, very thoroughly.
"There," I thought, "I've subtly shown the general that these are my Oreos, and he should go buy his own." Marines are known for many qualities, but subtlety is not among them. The general calmly reached out for another Oreo and ate it. (By the way, the general was licking the middles out first before eating the cookies.) Not having said anything the first time, of course, I couldn't bring it up now.
The only thing to do was to take another cookie for myself.
We wound up alternating through the entire package. For an instant our eyes met, and there was palpable tension in the air, but neither of us said a word. After I had finished the last Oreo, they announced something over the public address system. The general got up, put his papers back into his briefcase, picked up the now empty wrapper, threw it away, brushed the few crumbs neatly off the table and left. I sat there marveling at his gall and feeling very foolish. A few minutes later, they announced my flight. I felt a great deal more foolish when I finished my coffee, threw the cup away and lifted my newspaper to reveal.....my Oreos!
Today, two of us are running around the Armed Forces telling the same story, but only one of us has the punch line. And general, if you are reading this, get in touch with me and I will be glad to send you a case of Oreos.
There is a flock of geese passing overhead in a large "V" formation. Why is one side of the V longer than the other?
Because there are more geese on that side.
The Restroom Door Said Gentlemen
(Tune: "God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen")
The restroom door said "Gentleman"
And so I walked inside,
I took two steps and realized
I'd been taken for a ride,
I heard high voices, turned
and found the place was occupied,
By two nuns, three old ladies and a nurse,
What could be worse
Than two old nuns, three old ladies and a nurse...
The restroom door said "gentlemen"
It must have been a gag,
As soon as I walked in there
I saw an old hag,
She sprayed me with a can of mace
And slapped me with her bag,
I could tell this just wouldn't be my day,
What can I say?
This just wasn't turning out to be my day...
The restroom door said "gentlemen"
And I would like to find,
That crummy little creep
Who had the nerve to switch the sign,
'Cause I have two black eyes
And one big bruise on my behind,
So I can't sit with comfort and joy
Boy, oh boy,
No, I'll never sit with comfort and joy.
Once upon a time there was a presidential election that was too close to call. Neither the Republican presidential candidate nor the Democratic presidential candidate had enough votes to win the election. Therefore, it was decided that there should be an ice-fishing contest between the two candidates to determine the final winner.
There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a week-long ice fishing competition seemed the (manly) way to settle things. The candidate that catches the most fish at the end of the week wins.
After a lot of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contest would take place on a remote and frozen lake in Minnesota. There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be sent out separately on this remote lake and return daily with their catch for counting and verification!
At the end of the first day, George W. returns to the starting line and he has 10 fishes. Soon, Kerry returns and has zero fish. Well, everyone assumes he is just having another bad hair day or something and hopefully, he will catch up the next day.
At the end of the 2nd day George W. comes in with 20 fishes and Kerry comes in again with none. That evening, Bill Clinton gets together secretly with Kerry and says, "I think George W. is a lowlife cheatin' son-of-a-gun. I want you to go out tomorrow and don't even bother
with fishing. Just spy on him and see if he is cheating in any way.
The next night (after George W. comes back with
50 fish), Clinton says to Kerry, "Well, what about it, is George W. cheatin'?"
"He sure is, Bill, he's cutting holes in the ice.
A grandmother was surprised by her 7-year-old grandson one morning. He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green army men in the cup. She said, "Honey, what are these army men doing in my coffee?" Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV- "The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!"
This guy sees a sign in front of a house:
"Talking Dog for Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the
dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black
mutt just sitting
there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep", the mutt replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered
this gift pretty
young and I wanted to help the government, so I
told the CIA about
my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from
country to country,
sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders,
because no one figured
a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their
most valuable
spies eight years running.
The jetting around really tired me out, and I
knew I wasn't getting any
younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed
up for a job at the
airport to do some undercover security work,
mostly wandering near
suspicious characters and listening in. I
uncovered some incredible
dealings there and was awarded a batch of
medals. Had a wife, a mess
of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the
owner what he wants
for the dog.
The owner says, "Ten dollars."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth
are you selling him
so cheap?"
The owner replies, "He's such a liar. He didn't
do any of that stuff."