Posted on 11/05/2004 11:52:42 AM PST by iheartusa
There is an unspoken taboo in our society where if you admit that having kids wasn't quite what you thought it would be and that if you could do it all over again that you would have chosen NOT to have kids, that you are a monster, an evil, despicable monster. The truth is a large percentage of parents HATE being parents. They will never say it out loud and they can't even admit that to themselves because "only an evil demon" would come to that conclusion, they think. However, underneath it all, underneath all the B.S. is the truth that we all know: Children are overrated. For every precious moment where the little brat does something special, there are 1,000 moments where they drive you crazy. They literally tear your life upside down. Marriage, sex life, your wives appearance, your social life, the list goes on and on and on. Oh yeah, the worst part is yet to come - the teenage years. I could write volumes on this subject. The reason people have children is because of this unwritten societal norm where the standard is to get married and immediately begin to produce offspring because "that's the thing to do". Here's another fact for you if you're interested in the subject: the highest points of martial satisfaction are: 1) after the kids leave and 2) before the kids were born. Look it up, it's true.
I decided not to have kids or a wife... And haven't regretted it one bit!!! I look at all my sorry faced friends straining to make ends meet, having the endless honey do lists, soccer games, Dr bills, bitching, whinny little brats, debt up their asses!!.....and me....well I focused on work and saving money and have no debt, date all different kinds of women, no strings attached, buying a brand new custom house that my friends and family can only dream about, and will be able to retire at 45..... Yea, I may grow up old and have no one but look....most of you will be divorced and so broke after raising kids, alimony, child support, kids college...that you will have nothing to show for it when you are 65 and still have to work till your are dead......sorry thats reality. My relatives have given up asking. They know better. Then someone always pulls me aside and says, "I would love to have your life".
I think most people end up having kids because 1) They're too stupid to know how to use birth control properly and/or 2) They have an idealistic, completely unrealistic vision of what parenthood entails. People imagine dressing their daughter in pretty clothes, or playing catch with their son. They don't think about being awoken at 2 a.m. by a sick, screaming kid who just threw up all over the bed, and who doesn't give a shit that you have to get up for work in four hours. They don't think about the mortgage company threatening to foreclose, or the electricity being shut off, because the husband can't pay all the bills on one income. More people should think about these things, and fewer people should be having children. Parenthood should be left to those few couples who are willing to take the good with the bad.
NoMarriage.com manual will help you determine if you are ready and want to have children in the near future.
You make it sound like a person should feel guilty for not having children, which given the situation is very wrong of you.
I think the tax returns are the most important!
That's a switch. Up here in MA, the few people with large families usually hear, "are all those YOUR kids?"
They don't know what joy they're missing. It's tragic really.
Welcome to FR.
Yes...those of us with any amount of love in our hearts to begin with grows that love when they have kids. But this guy sounds self-obsessed to the point where even his own children wouldn't interest him. Just my opinion.
"I walked into by home after work yesterday, and was treated like a hero by two small children"
I got the same reaction from my dog.
Just asking.
You know there are plenty of woman bashing sites out there for guys that have problems relating to women. I'm sure they would happily except your venomous spewing of hatred towards woman. This is a conservative website where both men and woman enjoy the exchange of thoughts and ideas. We can disagree, for that is what this site is all about but to attack me for my gender is not exceptable to me. I have never taken anything from you nor has 99% of the women in the world, to blame all women for one or two in your life, and odds are with me here, that no woman on this site has "done you wrong". Bitterness is so predictable and unattractive. I'm sorry your life has not worked out in a way that you wanted but you can not attack me because you no longer have a woman in your life to kick around. Have a nice day.
No. I defended myself when you accused me of being homosexual.
You went for the nastiest, most dishonorable put-down immediately. It's telling.
A lot of people don't even realize there is a choice when it comes to having children. Society exerts a strong pressure on people to reproduce and many people succumb to this pressure even though deep down they don't want to be parents, at least that's what a lot of childless by choice people say.
Also, when you don't have kids a lot of people get bent out of shape about it. They assume all kinds of things about you: you're a child-hater, you had a horrifying childhood, you're immature, you're selfish, and so on. People also demand to know why you don't have children, which if you think about it is slightly rude. I've had a lot of that.
I don't have any because I have a serious illness. But I do like kids. It's not a big heartache to me not to be raising any of my own. If I wasn't chronically ill I may not have had kids anyway. I never really had an aching need like some women. I've never felt the "call" to motherhood, if there is such a thing. I would say that the majority of people do not make an informed choice about parenthood. About half of all children are not planned.
Right. I love kids but am cursed to have none. They seem to like me--or at least tolerate me.
I can tell you from direct observation that for all the problems they cause, they are the greatest blessing in the world.
I have a circle of friends who meet for lunch; all childless. I tell them we are the losers of the world: children are your only hope of immortality. We have failed to project our genes into the future; hence: losers. It doesn't matter how smart or talented you are; nature does not care. It cares about the genes, not the "gigantic lumbering robots" the genes have constructed to ensure their transmission.
That is the practical bit. The spiritual bit is even more important, and ineffable.
--Boris
I'm very sorry to read of your serious illness, and hope that your health improves. And my two kids have four very loving aunts and uncles that for reasons didn't have children. That's how it goes and, like you, they truly love kids.
And thank you for a very good reply. There is no question that a great many people have babies they don't want every day. The newspapers regularly carry reports of babies being killed by their mother's boyfriends, all that. We can choose 1. abortion, 2. giving up the baby for adoption, or 3. keeping the baby. Giving the baby up for adoption is so infrequently done that childless Americans are flocking to China, Russia, Rumania, etc. to adopt.
I think that along with basic sex education, there should be some responsibilty classes (besides carrying that stupid sack of sugar around in high schools). There really does need to be that sense of responsibility, of what will you train a baby to be? And if you don't know what you'd do, or you're in an unstable relationship, then birth control is the easiest thing on earth to find.
If you have nieces and nephews, your genes are being carried into the future! My 3-year-old niece is practically my spitting image. Everybody says so. She came to my house and saw a picture of me at her age and exclaimed, "this is me!" And I am frequently mistaken for my aunt's daughter. You may be childless, but you belong to a family and a bloodline. If you don't have the kids, for whatever reason, somebody in the family will. We all live on in the hearts and minds of people who love us.
Looking at my post....ah, here it is:
I suppose it comes down to this... How much value is there in always doing as you choose? To never have to sweat it out for someone else?
And...
I think it's a shame that people jump onto the bandwagon of, "Let's please only ourselves and never do anything difficult because it's so much easier and FUN that way!" There is value in extending yourself for others. People of character do hard things and work through them. They see the reward is in the process of learning and growing.
I apologise for not directly quoting your statement which is (approximately) "Hey, honey let's fly off to Chicago for the weekend!" It might have helped me to be more clear. Your attitude seems to be, "I don't want to have kids because, boy, they'd really interfere in my ability to please myself at every moment (ie fly off to Chicago on a whim).
Not only bitter but delusional as well. Let's end this little conversation, you are a _ _ _ _ _. Lang may yer lums reek.
This guy is such an authority on something he has never experienced!
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