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Morford: Hello, God? It's Me, Dubya Lord? Bush here. I'm confused.
San Francisco Chronicle ^ | Wednesday, July 14, 2004 | Mark Morford

Posted on 07/14/2004 7:32:17 AM PDT by presidio9

Are you there, God? It's me, George W. Come in, Almighty. Do you read me? It's about 8:00 pm and it's just after my last bubble bath of the day and here I am again, kneeling here in the Oval Office all by myself in my most favoritest PJs, the funny ones with the little M-1 tanks and baseball players all over them. I gots some problems, Lord.

Look, I've done everything you asked. I've been good. Haven't I?

I take the message to the people, don't I? I spout that evangelical born-again crap in pisswater Podunk conservative churches across this burned-out fear-drunk nation like I was emceeing a freakin' rodeo in Crawford. And they eat it up, Lord. They eat that stuff up. Hell, I even believe a lot of that fire-breathin' Second Comin' evildoer-hatin' stuff myself.

And looky here! Look how much dough I induce those evangelical suckers to cough up into the coffers of the GOP (that's God's Own Party -- just for you, Lord!). Doesn't that cut me a little slack fer when I skip over the part where Jesus says "Blessed are the peacemakers?"

Or when he says to turn the other cheek? Or love thy enemies? Or when the Bible says, "The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control"? Or any of that other pointless pacifist hippie junk?

I mean, forgive me 'cuz I know your boy Jesus was great and all, but did he have the Carlysle Group breathing down his neck, screaming for more war profits? Did he have a million neat-o bombs at his instant disposal? Did he have Rummy scowling down his hawkish nose at him during naptime? No, he did not.

Look. I behave. I never have sex and I hate that sicko porno gay pagan naked sexual stuff, and to this day I'm damn proud that those disgustin' dildo thingies are still illegal in Texas.

Heck, I even want to change the freakin' U.S. Constitution to prevent them icky gays from ever gettin' legally married and thus soiling the precious institution of uptight heterosexual man-woman Christian marriage counseling. I want to codify right-wing homophobia, Lord! Don't that count for somethin'?

Hell, I'm a former raging alcoholic who stopped binge drinking years ago (I attributed it to you! Remember?) 'cuz I got so drunk I fell into a fever dream wherein I coulda swore I saw Jesus chattin' with Buddha and Shiva and Allah and Isis, and they was all sighing and shaking their heads and agreein' to send me back in the next life as a smelly tree fungus. And that can't be good.

Remember, Lord, back in the '00 debates when they asked me to name my favorite philosopher, and I said, "Jesus"? Remember how cheesy and obnoxious and cop-outy that was, given how Jesus was actually the Original Liberal and given how everyone knows I haven't read a single "real" philosopher of any note since they made me stand up in Philosophy 1A back at Yale and read a passage from that pagan homo Plato guy when I could barely focus due to all the gin? Wasn't that good?

(Excerpt) Read more at sfgate.com ...


TOPICS: Culture/Society; Editorial; Foreign Affairs; Government; Miscellaneous; News/Current Events; Philosophy; Politics/Elections; War on Terror
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To: presidio9

Author appears to be an angry drunk. How does he get this tripe published?


61 posted on 07/14/2004 9:35:05 AM PDT by RightWhale (Withdraw from the 1967 UN Outer Space Treaty and establish property rights)
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To: presidio9

Shouldn't there be a "San Francisco Pervert Alert"?


62 posted on 07/14/2004 9:36:54 AM PDT by PhilipFreneau
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To: presidio9
Here's Morford's own church!
63 posted on 07/14/2004 9:39:20 AM PDT by RightWingAtheist (Ni Jesus, Ni Marx..OUI REAGAN!)
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To: presidio9

I can see Fat Boy Moore taking this POS article and working it into another "documentary!!" Lefties are sicker than even I thought, and I think they are stinking rotten SICK!

<><


64 posted on 07/14/2004 9:44:48 AM PDT by viaveritasvita ("When Love takes you in, everything changes.")
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To: little jeremiah; EdReform

ping


65 posted on 07/14/2004 9:55:13 AM PDT by presidio9 (Islam Is As Islam Does)
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To: Congressman Billybob
John,
Thanks for putting me in the unfortunate position of allying myself with tpaine.

Nobody's forcing you to do anything. You saw Morford in the headline, you clicked. You got what you deserved.

P9

66 posted on 07/14/2004 9:59:36 AM PDT by presidio9 (Islam Is As Islam Does)
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To: presidio9

Normally I would criticize Morford's bigotry and idiocy, but really, what are the editors of the San Francisco Chronicle thinking when they write the checks for this kind of offal? They must not only hate themselves, they must hate their mothers for giving them birth.


67 posted on 07/14/2004 10:21:55 AM PDT by Richard Axtell
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To: presidio9

Has Morford ever written one article that didn't contain a at least one reference to sex or sex toys?

I didn't think so.


68 posted on 07/14/2004 10:29:22 AM PDT by proud American in Canada
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To: presidio9; All

This is also a good depiction of what the Bible calls a seared conscience (can't think of the scripture off-hand)!!

<><


69 posted on 07/14/2004 10:39:13 AM PDT by viaveritasvita ("When Love takes you in, everything changes.")
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To: RightWingAtheist; opticoax

70 posted on 07/14/2004 2:10:21 PM PDT by Slings and Arrows (Am Yisrael Chai!)
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To: presidio9

71 posted on 07/14/2004 2:29:26 PM PDT by Petronski (Twenty-nine Helens agree: Promptness is very important.)
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To: Slings and Arrows

ROFL! Definite thumbs up!


72 posted on 07/14/2004 3:50:33 PM PDT by RightWingAtheist (Ni Jesus, Ni Marx..OUI REAGAN!)
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To: tapatio

Why would a hater of all religions like Morford care if Bush did slam Islam, which of course he does not? And to support his point, he only uses something that happened over a year ago.


73 posted on 07/14/2004 6:08:57 PM PDT by Democratshavenobrains
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To: RightWingAtheist

It's funny because it's true!

[j/k!]


74 posted on 07/14/2004 9:02:16 PM PDT by Slings and Arrows (Am Yisrael Chai!)
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