How to Be a Liberal and Make Foreign Policy

Most conservatives are absolutely baffled by the liberal perspective on foreign policy and defending America. That's because many of the left's positions seem totally counterintuitive....well, for Americans. Their views would make perfect sense if say an Iranian mullah or Iraqi insurgent held them. But, that's neither here nor there, since the goal of this column is to explain how the left looks at foreign policy, not why.

So, imagine yourself to be a liberal. I know that'll be quite difficult for many of you, but just pretend you're wearing a tie-dye shirt and Birkenstocks, chant "no blood for oil" a few times, and then try to muster up some sympathy for the endangered Howling Dung Beetle and that should put you in the right frame of mind.

Now that you're thinking like a liberal, like a Michael Moore or Ted Kennedy, perhaps it'll be easier to understand why you...

...think that fighting back against terrorism is futile because it creates a cycle of violence. So you see killing terrorists only produces more terrorists? Just as killing Nazis in WW2 only produced more Nazis & bombing Hiroshima led to huge upsurges in Japanese recruiting.

...claim to favor deterrence to intimidate our enemies into leaving us alone...until we're attacked, at which point you counsel not responding.

...simultaneously believe Iraq was a "war for oil" and blame George Bush personally for higher gas prices.

...claim that we're acting "unilaterally" in Iraq despite the fact that there are currently more than 30 nations with men on the ground supporting us there.

...blame “neocons” for somehow manipulating the country into war in Iraq for shadowy and sinister purposes despite the fact you’re not even sure exactly what a neocon is.

...think it's vitally important that we not only put our self-interest aside, but make great sacrifices, to gain the approval of nations like France, Russia, China, & Germany, that history has shown are going to nakedly pursue their own self-interest no matter what we do.

...believe that before 9/11, Bush should have started jailing suspicious characters, closed America's airports, and warned all Americans of impending doom based on the flimsiest of non-specific information. But now, after we've been hit by terrorists and have much better intelligence, you laugh at the color coded alert system and consider it to be nothing more than a political ploy designed to perk up Bush's poll ratings.

...say that only the United Nations can legitimize a military venture...well unless a Democrat is in office, in which case it's fine to bypass the UN whenever it's convenient like Bill Clinton did when we bombed Kosovo.

...are willing to do whatever it takes to defend the American public from terrorists...as long as the French and Germans say its OK.

...believe 9/11 was just a handy dandy excuse to get rid of the Taliban so we could run a vulnerable, fragile, oil pipeline that Unocal gave up on back in 1998 through a country teeming with warlords, jihadis, & Taliban dead-enders.

...incessantly trash patriotic Christians as dangerous extremists, but cry "bigotry" whenever someone criticizes radical Islamists who support terrorism and hate America.

...support spending tax dollars hand over fist on everything from free needle exchanges for addicts to water stations in the middle of the desert for illegal aliens, but become a fiscal conservative when anyone starts talking about funding the military, our intelligence services, or missile defense.

...only cared about the fate the Iraqi people when Bush was talking about going to war. When Saddam was torturing them you had nothing to say and now that they're relying on our help to build a democracy, you believe we should pull out and leave to their fate. But of course, if we pulled out and things fell apart, you'd then again care about the Iraqi people...at least until the November elections.

...look at the Middle-East and think the primary problem there is Israel, a successful, pro-American democracy, not all of the corrupt, terrorist supporting dictators and fascists who hate America, oppress their own people, and want to drive the Israelis into the sea.

...spent the eighties claiming Reagan’s attempt to bring down the Soviet Union was futile and that it could never work, only to spend every day since the Berlin Wall fell saying that you knew all along that the Soviet Union was about to collapse and Reagan had nothing to do with it.

Congratulations! You now understand how the left looks at foreign policy and defending America. So, if you ever get caught in the middle of a peace rally or the Democratic National Convention, hopefully you'll be able to bluff your way out without getting called a fascist or having a "no blood for oil" sign shoved in your face!

You Know You're a Liberal If...

Article in the The Washington Times, Monday, April 22, 1996 by Don Feder

What is a liberal? In election years, they're particularly hard to find. Even the president and first lady-who do the PC tango to the tune of "Blowin' in the Wind"-shun the label.

Last week, Hillary guru and retro-New Leftist Michael Lerner held a Summit on Ethics and Meaning in D.C. Among other exotic proposals, the 1,300 delegates endorsed forcing businesses to give parents a year of paid leave and replacing college SATs with "empathy training."

Weird though they are, these people at least know what they are. Many of the afflicted are ignorant of their condition. For these unfortunates, we offer a handy guide to political self-identification.

You know you're a liberal if:

You think sexual harassment is rampant, date rape pervasive, domestic violence common and Paula Jones is lying.

You hate Hillary jokes.

You pale at the execution of child killers, but defend the killing of unborn children as an expression of choice. You think trees have feelings, animals can conceptualize and the fetus is a blob of protoplasm.

You are convinced that Frank Capra films and Norman Rockwell paintings are lies and distortions but "Platoon," "Dances with Wolves" and "Thelma and Louise" are realistic. You thought Walt Disney was saccharine sweet and terminally cutesy-pie - until it made "Pocahontas."

You think a moment of silent prayer at the beginning of the school day constitutes government indoctrination and an intrusion on parental authority, while sex education, condom distribution and multiculturalism are values-neutral.

You agonize over threats to the natural environment (acid rain, toxic waste) but are oblivious to threats to the social environment (pornography, promiscuity, and family dissolution).

You want to legalize cocaine and outlaw handguns. You think cops are pigs and criminals are products of their environment.

You believe the National Rifle Association helps criminals while the American Civil Liberties Union protects the innocent.

You think Rush Limbaugh is responsible for the Oklahoma City bombing but are outraged by suggestions that Ted Kaczynski (the suspected Unabomber) and Al Gore have anything in common.

Jesse Jackson makes sense to you. Barbra Streisand makes even more sense.

You think Herblock cartoons are funny and Janet Reno is totally hot.

You believe corporate profits are obscene but government spending is too low and the American people are undertaxed.

You think deficits are caused by tax loopholes.

You think marriage is obsolete - except for homosexuals.

You believe homosexuality is genetically determined, but fascism and spouse abuse aren't.

You think AIDS is spread by insufficient funding.

You considers the Catholic bishops noble and idealistic when they oppose capital punishment and welfare cuts but dangerous fanatics trying to legislate their theology when they defend the right to life.

You are convinced that proponents of welfare reform hate the poor and opponents of affirmative action hate minorities, but AIDS activists who bash the Pope and People for the American Way types who go psycho over Protestant "fundamentalists" are guardians of democracy.

You attribute every minority problem to entrenched, institutional racism and the legacies of slavery and segregation.

You think the black middle class is a myth created by Newt Gingrich.

You view race riots as justifiable expressions of rage over injustice and fail to see the similarities between a black mob burning a Korean store and a white mob in the Jim Crow era lynching a black man.

You don't understand all of the whining about affirmative action and are more than willing to sacrifice someone else's employment or education opportunity to assuage your guilt.

You marched against American involvement in Vietnam, thought the Gulf war was unnecessary but believe 25,000 U.S. troops in Bosnia are vital to our national interests.

You see no correlation between welfare and the rise of illegitimacy, judicial leniency and surging crime rates, or addiction and an entertainment industry that glorifies drug abuse. But you believe Richard Nixon is responsible for everything horrible that's happened in the past quarter-century.

You think those child-abusing, religious fanatics at Waco had it coming but the illegal immigrants roughed up by California deputies - after leading them on a high-speed chase - are the victims of the decade.

Lastly, you're a liberal if - you don't get the point of this column.

Don Feder is a nationally syndicated columnist.

You Know You're a Liberal If...
Posted on 02/26/2003 4:59:01 PM EST by Cinnamon Girl
You know you're a liberal if...
1. You're protesting President Bush for what YOU THINK he will do to harm innocent civilians, but the million or so murders Saddam Hussein HAS committed are not relevant to you.
2. Sweden has the ideal society.
3. Martin Sheen is an actor who is smart enough to engage in political discussion. Ronald Reagan should never have been elected President because he's just an actor, for crying out loud.
4. The amount of money it will cost each individual citizen to pay for the WAR is important to consider. The amount of money welfare, food stamps, and medicare cost each individual citizen is irrelevant, and selfish to consider.
5. When people try to discuss the current administration with you, your face becomes red, you raise your voice and use the words: "idiot" and "oil" repeatedly.
6. You think Helen Thomas is an intelligent, gutsy lady and a dynamite reporter.
7. You think all war is evil. And Jimmy Carter is a voice a reason.
8. You're still not clear about what exactly was wrong with Communism.
9. Your parents paid for you to go to an expensive private college and five years later you still spend more time protesting than earning a living.
10. You don't like the sight of guns or soldiers, even in a Disney movie.

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