Posted on 06/13/2004 10:24:43 PM PDT by goldstategop
Vox Day
Is marriage worth it?
A reader, who happens to be a single man of marriageable age, wrote in to ask me a simple question: "Does anyone out there feel that marriage is worth it?"
After some reflection, I decided to answer him thusly: A marriage to the right person is worth it. A marriage to the wrong person is not. How does one decide who the right person is? Aye, there's the rub ...
This is not to say that one cannot determine who the right person is, only that it requires a certain amount of analytical detachment about the relationship that is difficult for most people. Some of the more important factors for a man to consider, in my opinion, are as follows:
1. Is she a woman of genuine faith? A woman who seriously believes that marriage is a sacrament – be she Christian, Jew or Muslim – will have a very different view of the institution and the commitment she is making than will a secular or casually religious woman. As for irreligious men, I see no purpose in marrying whatsoever – why put oneself at serious risk for a sacrament in which one does not believe? If you're marrying her simply because she demands it, don't be surprised when you're forced to accede to other, even less palatable demands, like a divorce.
2. Does she accept the notion of personal responsibility? A woman who is constantly blaming others for her problems in life will soon begin to see her husband as the source of all her problems. These women always blame whoever they are around the most instead of themselves – if she's constantly complaining about her coworkers or her family, don't even continue to date her. If you do, soon enough you'll discover that she has a new target at which to aim her barbs.
3. Are you comfortable with her? Passion is no substitute for genuine compatibility. Hot sex is delightful, but there is the other 99 percent of the time to consider, too. If you and your potential wife are not capable of several hours in the same room together without talking or otherwise interacting directly, you may not be comfortable enough with one another.
4. Can she entertain herself? Men need their downtime. This becomes problematic if she sees your free time as a violation of her time with you.
5. Does she genuinely put the interests of others first? I love a beautiful, self-centered drama queen as much or more than the next guy, but I would never want to marry one. They're fun to watch ... from a distance. Keep your distance.
6. Do your friends and family think she's good for you? Those around you are not likely to be blinded by the rose-tinted lenses of infatuation and will often have a better read on her true personality than you do. If you find yourself defending her by saying things like "Oh, but you just don't know her," then you are flirting with long-term trouble.
7. Does she attempt to control you? This tendency will only get worse with marriage, so any sign of this in a dating relationship is a red flag. Women have a strong maternal instinct and have a hard time grasping that most men loathe being mothered – can she back off when you tell her to?
8. Does she treat you with respect, in public and in private? If she does, this is an excellent sign. If she's always putting you down, just "giving you a hard time" and "keeping you in your place," better find someone else. Marriage is not a buddy-cop movie.
9. Are you in agreement on the larger issues? If she wants kids and you don't, forget it. If she wants to keep up with the Joneses and you want to save for the future, there is a seed of much future conflict already embedded in the relationship.
10. Finally, do you know her? Really, truly know her? Do you know what she hopes her future will hold, even if she can't articulate it?
Marriage and family are definitely good things. But they are important and life-altering, and are not to be entered into lightly. If you are so fortunate as to find the right woman, don't let shallow concerns get in the way, pursue her and see it through. If neither you nor those close to you harbor any serious doubts about her, then marriage is likely the right decision.
Great site!
An old friend told me that his dad had said to him on his wedding day:
"You can be ~right~, or you can be married, but you can't be both."
I think that applies to both sides.
church of Christ statistics? Mennonites?
Yep!
It's tough for all of us these days.
GREAT solid advice. I've found out most of these things through trail and error for myself. The biggest single most helpful thing is whether your family and friends like her/him. Your family and friends LOVE you... and they can tell the difference between a jerk and a great, caring significant other instantly!
One word: prenups.
Getting a pre-nup is NOT a sign of a lack of trust. A friend's mother literally went insane from a mental illness, but before she got so insane that she could be forced into a mental institution, her husband divorced and she ruined his finances. Always get a prenup, if no other reason than for the possibility of literal mental insanity. These were conservative committed Christians BTW.
Generation Reagan-- I love it!!
lawgirl, born 1974
hahahahahahah... I don't use Rush Limbaughs life and times as any sort of meter for my own life, and I would not want to be involved with anyone who did.
If LIMBAUGH's divorce is what triggered you to wonder or think about marriage... frankly, you are a NEXT canidate. If this is an issue you have only considered because some talk show host has had issues with it, you aren't nearly deep enough of a human being to warrant a long term relationship.
Marriage and relationships are things one should think of on their own... for their own reasons.. and own life.
Sorry I am at work and don't have time to format it nicely but here is breakdown
Percentage Divorced or Separated by Selected Religious Group, 1990 - 2001
Name, # of adults 1990, Divorced/
Separated
1990(%), # of adults 2001, Divorced/
Separated
2001(%)
Catholic 46,000,000 8 50,873,000 9
Baptist 33,964,000 11 33,830,000 12
No Religion 14,331,000 11 29,481,000 9
Christian 8,100,000 10 14,190,000 9
Methodist 14,174,000 8 14,140,000 9
Lutheran 9,110,000 8 9,580,000 7
Presbyterian 5,000,000 8 5,596,000 9
Protestant 17,214,000 4,647,000 9
Pentecostal 3,116,000 11 4,407,000 14
Episcopalian/Anglican 3,000,000 10 3,451,000 12
Jewish * 3,137,000 9 2,831,000 7
Mormon 2,487,000 10 2,697,000 8
Churches of Christ 1,800,000 6 2,593,000 9
Non-denominational 195,000 17 2,489,000 9
Congregational/UCC 599,000 8 1,378,000 8
Jehovah's Witnesses 1,400,000 11 1,331,000 6
Assemblies of God 617,000 9 1,105,000 10
Muslim/Islamic 527,000 10 1,104,000 7
Buddhist 401,000 11 1,082,332 8
Evangelical/Born Again 242,000 10 1,032,000 7
Church of God 531,000 944,000 7
Seventh Day Adventist 668,000 12 724,072 11
TOTAL US ADULTS 175,000,000 9 208,000,000 9
*NOTE: Only Jews by religion were tabulated.
NOt always true, my wife's friends hated me when we started dating.... if she'd listened to them we'd never have been married.
Instead we are closing in on 9 years married and 12 together. Exterior perceptions are not always accurate. I met my wife at a very low point in her life, and our relationship was never intended by either party to be more than a fling.... her friends saw me as nothing but using her, even though frankly and she admits she was using me.. of course her friends never saw that.... in the end it worked out.
We've been together 12 years, and none of them are even married, and have been through many guys who have disrespected and cheated on them..... So, remember, friends don't always know the whole tale... and come to the party with preconcieved concepts.
I'm a binary person... You either "get" me and love me, or you "don't" and you hate me.. I am not the type of person that gets the "he's ok" response when asking others about me... they are either "he's awesome" or "he's an ass"... and I know this openly about myself, and often those who think I am an ass if they stick around long enough realize I am "awesome".. and others just drop by the wayside.... but that's ok.. it doesn't bother me, and I know I am not the only one like this.
"A lot people really shouldn't get married, and suffer horribly as a consquence."
More precisely and most importantly, it's the children who suffer.
Bump
Can she handle money more than once.
The Ronald and Nancy Reagan story was truly a beautiful one and for most very hard to attain, I say this because I do not believe that Nancy and Ronald had many of the problems people face one being "Money" I know most married couples have a major problem with this issue, no it does not bring happiness but it does bring freedom and relief.
Another is substance abuse I know of so many married people that have had struggles with theses issues, Alcoholism,Drug Abuse which then leads to other issues as Spousal Abuse and Infidelity...
And most importantly is that Ron and Nancy made GOD the center of there lives, it is GOD's blessings that makes you try with your spouse when the going gets tough, and I believe Ron and Nancy had that faith and stability.
Life can be very stressful and people can get on your nerves,and irritate you, but if you truly love them you don't abandon them you take some downtime...
My wife has helped me tremendously to draw closer to God and to begin to diminish and remove the anger and bitterness from my life. You see, my mom and dad (biological) were alcoholics...left me with a lot of issues. I still struggle, but she constantly helps me. People do and say ugly things to her and she just brushes it off and keeps on going. And, she helps me to remember this passage:
Romans 12:17 Never pay back evil for evil to anyone. Respect what is right in the sight of all men.
Romans 12:18 If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men.
Romans 12:19 Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, "Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,"says the Lord.
Romans 12:20 "But if your enemy is hungry, feed him, and if he is thirsty, give him a drink; for in so doing you will heap burning coals upon his head."
Romans 12:21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
So, I had obeyed the Gospel, but wasn't living it like I was supposed to due to the anger and bitterness which mostly came to a climax when I was fired from teaching for criticizing Bill Clinton. However, my angel wife patiently over the years has helped me to throw that monkey off of my back and live a better example of Jesus who left us with these passages:
Hebrews 5:8 Although He was a Son, He learned obedience from the things which He suffered.
1 Peter 2:21 For you have been called for this purpose, since Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example for you to follow in His steps,
1 Peter 4:1 Therefore, since Christ has suffered in the flesh, arm yourselves also with the same purpose, because he who has suffered in the flesh has ceased from sin,
And finally,
1 Peter 5:10 And after you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you.
We have a long way to go, but we'll make it. God will help us. Every day I can become more like God and more like her will be a better day. Better to let God handle things. That's what she has done for me...helped me to see that every day. What a marvelous woman!!!
I assume this is merely religion noted, not whether they were committed Christians. When I was an atheist, I always put down Presbyterian because that's the religion I was raised.
I was amazed at how much I did take out of it in this aspect alone. The Reagan's marriage was inspiring.
Congratulations! Reading the posts on this thread from gentlemen who adore their wives after years of marriage is so heartwarming. They can bestow no higher honor upon their spouses. I feel the same way about my husband and wish the same for you and yours.
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