Toiletbowl XXXVIII

American Spectator ^ | 02/02/04 | Reid Collins

[Pokey78]

Now, what do all those folks who watch the Super Bowl for the commercials have to say? Wasn't it fun? Especially if the kids were allowed to stay up and watch at least the first half of the game, 'cause that's where the really filthy ones were slotted.

The beer ad with the two dogs was especially cute. A trained dog fetches his master a Bud from the cooler. Beer in hand, the master asks the other fellow what his dog can do. The other fellow's dog obviously bites the first man in the crotch, causing him to toss the beer to the other fellow.

There is the large, jolly African-American man going down a hallway to get a massage, but is lured into a side room full of beer. We see him agonized and screaming in pain as the door closes informing us that he has wandered into the "bikini wax " room by mistake.

They aren't all beer ads, these classics for which we have waited all year. One is a car ad featuring juveniles with bars of soap lodged in their mouths. How this comes about is revealed when a little boy views one of the new cars, mouths the words, "Holy sh--" and is next seen with a bar of soap in his mouth.

There is a chimpanzee, a young man's pet, who puts an arm around the man's girlfriend when the swain has gone for the beer. The primate speaks and suggests they go upstairs, obviously for sex. The swain returns briefly, causing the chimp to withdraw an arm. But the conversation resumes when the swain leaves, the chimp wondering if the intended sex partner has anything against a hairy back.

It isn't all sex. Some is simple scatology. A beautiful wintery scene in the forest. A man and a woman are seated together in a horse-drawn sleigh. The man romantically produces a crystal ball with a lighted candle, then leans to produce some beers from a cooler. At this moment, the gray horse drawing the sleigh lifts its tail high over its back and breaks wind in the woman's face with such force that it blows out the candle and destroys her makeup and hairdo.

The commercial aficionados may have sought relief in a live halftime show featuring P. Diddy and others in a writhing dance accompanied by lyrics that could not be understood in the Western Hemisphere, a combination of rap and rapacity that climaxed when Janet Jackson and Justin Timberlake performed a series of gyrations redolent of the chimp commercial and climaxing with Miss Jackson's right breast apparently exposed.

For reasons known only to CBS and the time buyers, the commercials during most of the second half were reasonably tame. There were some appeals to responsibility when drinking, a couple of expensive car ads, some inoffensives for AOL, but no further plays on bestiality, flatulence or painful depilatory episodes. Too bad, for by now the kiddies were in bed. The rectitude of the network had spared them and their elders the pain of watching a commercial with political overtones, the CBS practices regime rejecting such a crass offering.

It is said that the New England Patriots won the game with the Carolina Panthers in the last minute or so, but not by the point spread. Speaking of "spread," did you hear the one about... Sorry. Too much television, I guess.


Reid Collins is a former CBS and CNN news correspondent.

[NYCVirago]

No one is catching the most offensive part of this - not a one of the performers in the show has had a hit in the past two years, with the possible exception of Justin Timberlake and his McDonald's commercial.

Two years? When's the last time Janet's had a hit -- ten years?

[HitmanLV]

Now, what do all those folks who watch the Super Bowl for the commercials have to say? Wasn't it fun? Especially if the kids were allowed to stay up and watch at least the first half of the game, 'cause that's where the really filthy ones were slotted.

Personally, I never understood the interest in the super bowl commercials. I always thought it was idiotic that people would get so interested in 30 second advertisements. And the next day people would go around saying how witty or funny they were, and when they described them, they didn't seem particularly witty or funny.

Madison Ave sure pulled the wool over America's eyes - it gets them psyched to watch their ads! As for me, and my trusty Tivo, I just never watch commercials! Haha!

[TN4Liberty]

It was the first superbowl that made me feel like I needed a shower, and I am a pretty tolerant guy about that kind of stuff. But after enough ads involving erectile dysfunction, condom wearing, flatulance, crotch-attacking dogs, bikini waxing, .... added to the crotch-grabbing tit-flashing halftime show... suffice to say that football is hardly a family show anymore.

That said, it was a wonderful game in the end.

[KneelBeforeZod]

its teutul BTW.....


I liked their aol ad better than the jesse james ad for auto zone... more power to him if he can rake in the cash, but all his glaring was silly.

[eccl1212]

rofl

[MinuteGal]

It makes me feel good about the future of this dynamic country when I hear and read of the sharp couch potatos who sit through hours of a sports game just to see the commercials.

Leni

[johnny7]

If you judged a country/civilization by the images and overall content of the superbowl gala(game not included), you might easily form an opinion that it is not worth saving.

[Elle Bee]

The following are Viacom owned companies. A conservative parent's worst nightmare.

Remember Simon & Schuster who paid Hillary $8 million for her book & CBS did that lovely hatchet job on President Reagan with Mr. Streisand.

It all makes sense.

.

[dakine]

People can just turn off the TV, the only commercial I remember was the bears' faking I.D. for Pepsi, funny...

I missed half-time, a boob?..big deal, National Geographic shows the same...

[taxed2death]

hmmmm, I feel about the same, regarding football...it's just not compelling enough to keep me glued to the TV for 4 hours ;)

Now....Motorcycle roadracing....... :)

[taxed2death]

I personally do not have a beef with homosexuals......let God be the judge....but why would someone dress men in briefs and make-up and have them prance around stage during halftime (Janet's Dancers)...and think that is what Football fans want to see? I thought it was rather strange.

Perhaps, I'm the one who's out of kilter here....who knows...

[corlorde]

Big deal, a tit popped out. My kids were in bed because it was a school night. They are 8 and 10.

[kittymyrib]

Exactly right....the Muslim world could run the Super Bowl XXXVIII entertainment and commercials as Exhibit A: Decadence of the West in their suicide-bomber recruitment films. Decent people should flood CBS and the NFL with their complaints today.
By the way, they had some liberal ad woman who's just written a book on TV ads. When she heard that the most-loved-of-all-time commercial was the Mean Joe Green/Little Boy Coke commercial, she snotily said that audiences today wouldn't go for such a "saccharin" commercial. Maybe not, but I'll bet no one will remember any of the dismal ads from yesterday, much less recall them YEARS later, as we do that Coke commercial. This is just another example of the decay of TV and the modern ad industry.

[EQAndyBuzz]

Best commercials:

1. Donkey wanting to be a clydesdale.
2. Pepsi commercial with young Jimi Hendrix
3. Sierra Mist with guy and dog falling off building into a bottle.
4. Tuttles for AoL.

That was about it.

As for Janet's tit, don't think it will revive her career.
Kid Rock with the flag poncho I am still debating. On one hand he dessecrated the flag by cutting into it to make the poncho. On the other hand, while the idiot left is telling us what a bad country we are, the Detroit Destroyer goes on USO tours playing to the troops.

[wita]

Thanks, you caught the error also, and I'm sorry, that one bowled me over, I coudn't stop laughing. It was a blue flame special par exellence.

[mewzilla]

EDS had the cat-herders commercial. They used to have it at their website. I really liked it, too :)

[estrogen]

Part 2 was no improvement. One of the more humdrum, seemingly mild-mannered advertisements, came from a pharmaceutical firm promoting the newest weapon for erectile disfunction. My jaw dropped, while my 17 year old teen daughter took it in stride. Possible side effects included a 4 hour erection ...! Parents of younger children must have had an interesting evening, explaining these ads to their kids

How about all the ads on the radio during the day about ExciteEZ and all the sexual enhancements ads using the words climax and orgasm etc. I had my grandchildren in the car and was redfaced as I changed the station. Enough is enough already !!

[jobshopper]

The commercials WERE pitiful, but the thing that I noticed more than anything was the lack of them. CBS ran as many promos for their shows as they did ads. Does that mean they were filling space for unpaid-for airtime?

[Quilla]

My two teenagers were invited to a friend's home to watch the game as my husband and I don't do football. In my infinite wisdom, I mentioned to the kids that the Super Bowl was famous for the commercials. Boy did I ever mess up! I'm going to have to do a bit of damage control over dinner tonight.

[lepton]

I didn't see any of the commercials. Armed Forces Network doesn't show them.

Do they still show those bizzarre poetry spots on AFN instead?

i.e.: Creativity is letting all the birds in ones head out of their cage to fly up in the air...