Toiletbowl XXXVIII

American Spectator ^ | 02/02/04 | Reid Collins

[Pokey78]

Now, what do all those folks who watch the Super Bowl for the commercials have to say? Wasn't it fun? Especially if the kids were allowed to stay up and watch at least the first half of the game, 'cause that's where the really filthy ones were slotted.

The beer ad with the two dogs was especially cute. A trained dog fetches his master a Bud from the cooler. Beer in hand, the master asks the other fellow what his dog can do. The other fellow's dog obviously bites the first man in the crotch, causing him to toss the beer to the other fellow.

There is the large, jolly African-American man going down a hallway to get a massage, but is lured into a side room full of beer. We see him agonized and screaming in pain as the door closes informing us that he has wandered into the "bikini wax " room by mistake.

They aren't all beer ads, these classics for which we have waited all year. One is a car ad featuring juveniles with bars of soap lodged in their mouths. How this comes about is revealed when a little boy views one of the new cars, mouths the words, "Holy sh--" and is next seen with a bar of soap in his mouth.

There is a chimpanzee, a young man's pet, who puts an arm around the man's girlfriend when the swain has gone for the beer. The primate speaks and suggests they go upstairs, obviously for sex. The swain returns briefly, causing the chimp to withdraw an arm. But the conversation resumes when the swain leaves, the chimp wondering if the intended sex partner has anything against a hairy back.

It isn't all sex. Some is simple scatology. A beautiful wintery scene in the forest. A man and a woman are seated together in a horse-drawn sleigh. The man romantically produces a crystal ball with a lighted candle, then leans to produce some beers from a cooler. At this moment, the gray horse drawing the sleigh lifts its tail high over its back and breaks wind in the woman's face with such force that it blows out the candle and destroys her makeup and hairdo.

The commercial aficionados may have sought relief in a live halftime show featuring P. Diddy and others in a writhing dance accompanied by lyrics that could not be understood in the Western Hemisphere, a combination of rap and rapacity that climaxed when Janet Jackson and Justin Timberlake performed a series of gyrations redolent of the chimp commercial and climaxing with Miss Jackson's right breast apparently exposed.

For reasons known only to CBS and the time buyers, the commercials during most of the second half were reasonably tame. There were some appeals to responsibility when drinking, a couple of expensive car ads, some inoffensives for AOL, but no further plays on bestiality, flatulence or painful depilatory episodes. Too bad, for by now the kiddies were in bed. The rectitude of the network had spared them and their elders the pain of watching a commercial with political overtones, the CBS practices regime rejecting such a crass offering.

It is said that the New England Patriots won the game with the Carolina Panthers in the last minute or so, but not by the point spread. Speaking of "spread," did you hear the one about... Sorry. Too much television, I guess.


Reid Collins is a former CBS and CNN news correspondent.

[mel]

It seemed like to me CBS was mainly advertising CBS programs. Is that normal during SuperBowl

[Our man in washington]

With all due respect, I didn't think so. The whole thing struck me as distasteful. First of all, why the big bars of soap that looked distinctly uncomfortable? Couldn't they just have the kids blowing soap bubbles or something? That strikes me as suggesting sadism toward children, which is in very bad taste.

I'm not suggesting anything should be banned, but it's something a prudent adult just shouldn't produce.

Also, the ad suggests that all children use bad language. That's also the wrong message to send children.

When I was a kid, there was an excellent ad where a child offers Mean Joe Greene a coke when he's hurt during a game. Greene tosses the child a jersey in response, and the child thanks him. The child is shown as caring, polite, and gracious. That's the kind of ad that will make me think highly of a company.

[AnAmericanMother]

It's not a white horse, it's a gray.

Unless a horse has pink skin, it is technically a gray. Most are born almost black and gradually fade to very pale gray or white by the time they're 6-8 years old. Think Lipizzaners.

And yeah, my horse has been known to generate a little methane, and yeah, alfalfa will do it every time. But nobody takes an open flame into a barn, and she's not broke to drive in harness.

[AnAmericanMother]

I adore the cat-herders' commercial. Especially the guy with the sticky roller getting the cat fur off his shirt.

My horse will let my Siamese cat ride on her haunches (cat ain't thrilled about it though - long way from the ground and it MOVES . . . )

[discostu]

The big bars of soap were an obvious homage to A Christmas Story, it should be uncomfortable soap is nasty. It was great how they set it all up with all those kids leaving you wondering just what was being advertised, then they show the hardtop retracting which was a "holy sh--" thing. It was funny, caught your attention and did a good job of featuring the product (which many SB commercials fail to do, quick what was being advertised by the cat herding, I don't know either).

The ad didn't suggest that all children use bad language. All it suggested was the car was so cool it would cause momentary lapses of decorum.

And Mean Joe puked his guts out all over the place multiple times filming that commercial.

[Old Professer]

Speaking of "spread," did you hear the one about...

Now why did he leave us hanging like that? I've got these revolting images of the Hildebeast in the Mist...

[Old Professer]

And I loved her suit, you could get married in a nice, white, suit like that.

Yeah, and you could breed a colony of cooties in Janet's jumpsuit, too.

[Old Professer]

Petrified Tofu is more like it.

[Old Professer]

"Do you smell barbeque?"

[Old Professer]

Might as well mix up a big batch of doughnuts.

[Honestfreedom]

I guess the pregame show was okay for CBS. The NFL maybe did not want it during the game.

[savedbygrace]

OT: On the way back from Houston on I-45, there's a billboard for Bubba's Bar-B-Q. The tagline is, "You never sausage a place."

We now return you for your regularly acheduled programming.

[Mr. Jeeves]

I liked the "tune-out referee" commercial best, but I'm surprised that NOW isn't blowing a gasket this morning over the sponsor daring to mock NOW's only officially sanctioned mode of marital interaction. ;)

[GOPJ]

I'm not watching that filth anymore. The NFL can count me out.

Well, at least it was a great football game.

[Old Professer]

I hear that Bangladesh has a big problem with holy sh*t. (cowpies)

[YankeeGirl]

I loved the soap commercial. Reminded me of when the lug nuts went flying in the Christmas Story. ;-)

[ArrogantBustard]

I also liked the Budweiser Donkey and the Staples Office Supply Mafia ... The rest were dreck.

[Helms]

80 year old Sumner Redstone, Chairman and CEO of Viacom:

[NYCVirago]

I guess the pregame show was okay for CBS. The NFL maybe did not want it during the game.

So much for CBS's sanctimony about not running controversial ads!

[SamAdams76]

The only two commercials I really liked was that Staples commercial with the supply clerk taking pastry as bribes (and handing back "half a folder for half a donut") and the commercial with the referee with a shrieking, nagging wife at home that enabled him to take abuse from head coaches (forget what product was being advertised but it was a funny commercial).