Posted on 01/19/2004 4:23:29 AM PST by Sub-Driver
Dick Gephardt: “I Will Concede Ten Times Sooner Than My Opponents” 1/19/2004 - Dirk McQuickly
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
DES MOINES – As Democratic candidates for the 2004 Presidential election wrap up their campaign drives heading into the all-important Iowa primary, the tightly contested race was ratcheted up a notch today when candidate Dick Gephardt challenged his opponents on their “punctuality of concession.”
“The failure of Al Gore to shut the hell up and go back to the farm hurt us as a political party very badly,” said Gephardt. “I promise America right now that I will concede the 2004 Presidential election within ten minutes of the final vote being cast, if I am your candidate.”
Gephardt, long a congressional stalwart, made the gauntlet-dropping remarks as the Iowa electorate prepares to determine a loser for the November election. Current polling data forecasts an easy win for incumbent President Bush, winning all 50 states, plus the District of Columbia, Poland and Costco, Inc.
“There is no one among my opponents,” continued Gephardt, “who respects the history of incompetent, doomed elections the way I do. Having witnessed the drubbing of Mondale, Tsongas, Dukakis, and Carter, I can guarantee that I have not only the ability, but the will to be ten times timelier in ‘turning in early’ on election night.”
Front-runner Howard Dean responded to Gephardt’s remarks by claiming that he himself would “become so repulsive and so clearly ‘out-to-lunch’ in so short a timespan, Guinness will have to create a new category of historic failure in their next edition.”
General Wesley Clark upped the ante by promising to reveal his concession speech at the World Series in October.
Senator Joseph of Lieberman responded to the challenge by pointing out that, “in spite of my association with Mr. Gore, I gave up on the election after those ridiculous ‘lock-box’ debates. It is my primary focus to be out of the way of President Bush no later that six o’clock eastern on November 8th. And that’s a.m.”
“Gentlemen, gentlemen!” cried the Reverend Al Sharpton. “We are all capable of losing! Why are we fighting amongst ourselves when everyone knows I’ll concede the election before any of you!”
Lastly, John Kerry pledged to concede quickly, but only if he may refer to it as “giving up the throne.”
Former vice president Al Gore has reportedly made numerous attempts to offer his services as a consultant “whiny little bitch,” however, sources within the Democratic party have already been busy reviewing hundreds of hours of mind-bending, sleep-inducing 2000 election coverage for model examples of lilly-kneed, cowardly behavior.
In related news, Senator John Edwards has scheduled a press conference for Tuesday, January 20th, to declare his existence.
Little Dick Gephardt saying the "H" word; must be very series!
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.