Posted on 01/16/2004 1:02:29 PM PST by Tumbleweed_Connection
Dear Mr. Limbaugh, As president-elect of our local Rush Limbaugh Fan Club, I've been deputized to write this letter regarding your recent legal problems. Here in Gopher County some of your loyal followers are upset about what they've been reading and hearing in the media, which (as we all know) is run by a bunch of liberal pansies (except for your radio show, of course!). Anyhow, we were all real sorry to learn about you being a dope addict. Naturally we didn't believe a word of the story until it came from your own lips. Seeing how you've been so hard-core against drug users on your radio show — saying that they ought to be locked up with murderers and rapists — it must've been hard on you to sneak around all those years, pretending like you were some straight-up, sober citizen. According to Palm Beach prosecutors, in only six months you got about 2,000 painkiller pills from pharmacies in your neighborhood (and that's not including what you scored on the sly from your maid). When you do the arithmetic, that works out to at least 11 hits of opiate-based analgesics a day — enough to put any lily-livered liberal in the emergency room, yet it didn't even slow you down! Speaking on behalf of your devoted radio listeners, most of us never suspected that you were ripped to the gills. You always made perfect sense to us. Still, we were sympathetic when you explained that you'd been popping pills because your back was hurting and then your eardrums were hurting, and I forget what else was hurting. Hey, it's a hard job, sitting in front of that microphone. You don't get much exercise, except for the jaw muscles. Admittedly, we got worried when you went into rehab, since the concept was pretty much invented by mushy-hearted liberals who wanted to help drug users instead of punish them. Thank goodness you were still a diehard conservative when you came out! But that, Mr. Limbaugh, is when the trouble began. The authorities in Palm Beach have been investigating a drug ring that allegedly supplied some of your pain pills. However, instead of cooperating with law-enforcement officials, you've recently instructed your attorney to stonewall. To those who have followed you faithfully, it's mighty confusing. You've always said that you were pro law-and-order, ranting about criminal suspects who complained that their constitutional rights were being violated. Yet that's exactly what you're doing now, and you haven't even been charged with anything. Prosecutors want your medical records in order to make sure you didn't scam overlapping prescriptions from different doctors, which is illegal. You say the state attorney's request is an invasion of privacy, and you want the medical files sealed permanently. It sure is strange to hear you talk about privacy as something so important. Remember all the laughs you got out of Monica Lewinsky's situation? Imagine what would've happened if the special prosecutors had listened to her pleas for privacy. There would have been no impeachment of Bill Clinton, and America would have been deprived of hours of your laser wit and acid commentary. Speaking of Ken Starr, why didn't you hire him to be your defense lawyer? A solidly upright, uptight ultraconservative. This Roy Black fellow might be one of the country's best trial attorneys, but are you aware that he has represented murderers, thieves, drug kingpins and — worst of all – one of the Kennedys! You can't get more liberal than that. Now, you and Mr. Black claim that the authorities in Palm Beach are persecuting you because of your political beliefs. “The Democrats still cannot defeat me in the arena of political ideas,” you said on your radio show. “And so now they are trying to do so in the court of public opinion and the legal system.” Whoa. Even for the most dedicated Limbaugh listeners (and here in Gopher County we've been steadfast), this is too much to swallow. All of a sudden you're the innocent victim of a vast, nefarious political conspiracy — for God's sake, you sound just like Hillary! Next thing we know, you'll be telling us that Dick Gephardt spiked your Lipitors with Xanax. Or that Howard Dean got you hooked on those OxyContins he is a doctor, right?) Please, Rush, don't go down this slippery slope. With every passing day you act more like the “whiny wimps” you've been ridiculing all these years. Here in the land of the right-wing and the righteous, we're loyal but we have our limits. We can forgive you for being a pillhead — but never for being a liberal.
Got any "little blues?"
It's easy to knock down a strawman.
The allegation that Carl Hiaasen was ever one of his supporters appears to be false.
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