Posted on 01/06/2004 12:06:06 AM PST by JohnHuang2
LMAO! Thank goodness! For a moment there, I thought I was getting old!
My husband 'went elsewhere' and this is one of the reasons he gave me. I can understand to a point...the thing is that for five years before he did it I had changed. I had tried being the 'biblical wife' I was supposed to be. He says I had done too much damage in the 10 years before that.
He says he's changed now, too. He says he now sees the love that I was offering. But I seem to be back where I was before my change.
Thing is, he did his deed in such a cold manner, I find it very difficult to let go, and I've yet to see the change he claims to have under gone.
Don't know why I'm posting this other than that I am on this thread looking for answers. Sorry your post happened to be the one I decided to vent to. ; * )
I completely understand your logic and it makes PERFECT sense. In fact, this has helped me understand the feminine mind. lol. But what I don't understand are the games that are often played between people, and the complete shock, disappointment, and disgust when we silly men fail to read minds and anticipate every need some women seem to require.
If you could do a follow-up and answer my question, I would greatly appreciate it. I anxiously await your reply :-)
You said: Where did you get that idea?!? Please give me some references (with URLs) that state that it is "always on the woman to create a healthy relationship."
I said: "Show me a book...
You said I'm dodging the question
Did you even read the article? It's about a book. There are many books on the market just like it. There are no books that I've ever seen taking the husband-needs-to-get-his-act-together perspective. You're question on my response makes no sense. I'm stating an observation of books on relationships. There's no "source with URLs."
Let me add a story. A friend received a birthday present from her spouse- a CD, unwrapped and simply handed to her with a Happy Birthday wish. To the guy, the fact that he got her something was enough. To the girl, the fact that there was not THOUGHT put into it made it completely different than he intended.
I think a lot of times, both sexes expect that the other is, or should, be like them, meaning, 'it doesn't bother me if you give me a gift like this.' Of course, that is short sighted since every single one of us is completely different from the rest. We may share similar traits, but how we react and feel is completely individualized.
Now, to answer your question, here are fifteen books about being a father, husband, etc.
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/listmania/list-browse/-/TPXS93TWU0P7/002-0270371-0798458
Maybe do a little research before going on a rant. I have no doubt that you can find MANY more than fifteen. The above link is the first hit that I got on my first attempt search.
And, yes, the Bible does count when it comes to being a good husband/wife. I won't discount it and say not to add it to the list.
I actually looked at your list and saw a bunch of books on fatherhood and childbirth - still doesn't answer my original question. However, someone already answered it earlier by pointing out PK and FGBMI, both excellent examples so I will forgive your tantrum, especially since it had nothing to do with my post anyway. Heaven forbid I post any more without doing an exhaustive research project on the topic. And here I thought FR stood for Free-Ranting!
Goodwill, love, and enthusiasm for the marriage is like a bank account. Anytime you do something nice, you add to the account. Everytime you cause dissappointment and pain, you take away from the account. Wives have no idea just how much they deplete that account by frustrating their husbands sexually. You can't simply change and make things better, you have to replace all the negative feelings he has with positive feelings. Realizing that when you are that far in the hole, the inevitable slipup will set you back far more than in the beginning.
Even though you spent five years changed, he undoubtedly still took a negative view of you and the marriage and it may be his revenge for the misery he suffered. Especially since his pain was great enough that he can only see your efforts in hindsight. It also depends on what "elsewhere" was, I am assuming another woman. The thing is, he had a very "easy" relationship with her. No kids, no mortgage, no stress, just the good stuff. If he is still with you then you are seeing some character because no wife can compete with that. Unless he has completely cut off contact with her, that is always going to be a strong temptation for him.
Of course, his action depleted his account with you, and now you don't want to put forth the effort either. You are where he is/was.
When you wound someone enough, they come to expect you to wound them and they won't be all that careful not to wound you. Eventually someone else comes on the scene and they have to make the choice between this new person who hasn't wounded them and the person who has spent years hurting them.
I do realize the hurt I caused him. I even placed much of the blame on myself. A year later though, I find myself so angry at times. The whole he wasn't perfect, either, thing...
And then there's all the baggage that goes along with a 17 year marriage. Hard to pack it away and begin again. But that's what we'll have to do if we're going to make it.
Ah, well...life is tough and then you get married. ; * ) I completely understand what you're saying, and if nothing else it has given me a few more days of strength and patience. Thanks...
I don't know about books, but a lot of the Christian counselors these days seem to be hawking the "blame it all on the man" approach these days. It's the same as on this very thread where someone posts that his wife isn't wifing and a dozen people pop up and tell him it's all his fault, he isn't doing it right.
Marie, I'm cracking up at that image! It could end up becoming an FR catchphrase, like the shower, a moose biting your sister, or a "hugh" news story, i.e.: "Lazmataz is upset, somebody give him some meat!"
This may be something else that women don't quite grasp, but the less likely he is to leave you for her, the more likely he is to want to continue the affair. Women want the relationship to have meaning, men just want the sex. The less likely it is for the sex to mean anything, the better for him.
I'm not saying this is the case, just that is something to consider.
The reason I question is I used to have terrible mood swings, had female issues, and when having a hypoglycemic episode was not always nice. I made a major dietary change and everything improved drastically, especially moods. If I go too far off my diet the symptoms return with a vengeance.
When my middle daughter was in first grade, they wanted to put her on Ritalin. Late mornings, she would have periods of being cranky and it would not take much to put her into episodes of hysterical crying upset. No reasoning would work with her, she would cry and scream for up to 40 minutes until she fell asleep
I took her out and started to homeschool her (we were already homeschooling my oldest) and I started doing some research in the net. I noticed that a lot of her symptoms were consistent with hypoglycemia. I noticed that my wife's usual breakfast to her would be high-carb/sugar (cereal, pop tarts, etc) and the episode would occur about two hours after a high-carb meal, and the episode would stop immediately if I forced her to drink some fruit juice (to get her blood sugar back up) followed by some cheese or meat.
I changed her diet, made sure she got protein in the morning, and she's been fine. She's now in 4th grade, still homeschooled and doing well
My point is that a meal high in flour/sugar will cause your blood-sugar level to spike, then crash, with bad results. Meat and cheese, OTOH, digest slowly and put nutrients into your blood gradually and over a longer period of time
The typical diet today is constant sugar overload. Years of malnutrition is going to affect behavior. Is it the answer to all the problems facing marriages today, of course not, but hey it may greatly reduce the irritability, mood swings, PMS, anger, compulsive spending (compulsiveness is a symptom) lack of desire, etc...
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