Dr. Laura Schlessinger: 'The Proper Care And Feeding Of Husbands'

WorldNetDaily.com ^ | Tuesday, January 6, 2004 | Dr. Laura Schlessinger

[JohnHuang2]

'The Proper Care And Feeding Of Husbands'

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Posted: January 6, 2004
1:00 a.m. Eastern

© 2004 WorldNetDaily.com

Why did you write this book aiming at the women – aren't both responsible for the quality of the marriage?

Of course! However, women are in the unique position of having an extraordinary amount of influence over their husbands, which when exercised thoughtfully, compassionately, lovingly and intelligently results in a happier husband who will "swim through shark infested waters to bring her a lemonade."

Women seem not to understand, or underestimate, the profound power they have over their husbands. Men are very emotionally dependent upon women from the day they are born to the day they expire. This book teaches women to use this power benevolently – which will definitely result in them being happier with life and love.

What are the most common complaints men have about their wives?

• Their women don't seem to have much regard for their feelings and needs

• Their women constantly criticize and dismiss them

• Their women don't seem to want to go out of their way to please them

• Their women nag, demand, and complain – and seem to behave as though they were entitled to do so

• Their women don't make them feel truly needed and valued as men

What are husbands' most important needs?

• He wants to feel like a "man" to his woman; he wants to feel he is providing and protecting

• He wants to feel she needs and admires him

• He wants to know she desires him

• Basically, "The Three A's": appreciation, approval and affection

What is the No. 1 worst mistake women make with respect to being happy in their marriages?

They marinate in negatives. It is typical of women to fester and ferment over disappointments, slights, annoyances, angers, etc. Women, more typically than men, will go over it ad infinitum in the own heads, with their mothers, sisters, friends, co-workers, neighbors, social groups (remember Jerry McGuire?) – in doing so they reinforce the negative and create a bad attitude – one which turns into entitlement for not being particularly nice.

Attitude is about believing that your mate has your best interests at heart – it is about not letting loving feelings be squelched by everyday annoyances and disappointments; it is about benefit of the doubt; it is about cherishing the moments and living for the well-being of the other and being sustained by the joy of giving and the blessing of receiving in return.

All through the book you say "men are simple" ... isn't that an insult?

Not at all! In fact, most all of the many hundreds of responses I received from men in preparing this book confirmed just that: "Men are only interested in two things: If I'm not horny, make me a sandwich," and "As a man, I can tell you our needs are simple. We want to be fed, we want our kids mothered, and we want lovin'."

What about sex? Are wives obligated to give their husbands sex on demand?

As a woman who happens to believe that orgasms are a fabulous gift and blessing from God, I am amazed at how many women callers are willing to give them up to the gods of "I'm tired," or "I'm annoyed." Now, anyone cannot be in the mood from time to time – that's natural. However, the denigration of male sexual needs (They are just animals) and the use of sex to punish or control (You didn't do what I wanted) and inappropriate prioritizing (My work and children take all my energy) are self-centered and self-defeating.

I ask my women callers who complain that their husbands are not happy with virtually no sexual intimacy (and, by the way, that's what the men truly feel about sex with their wives – it's the ultimate in "acceptance and approval" for them) if they would be satisfied with that profound a rejection and dismissal. They always say, "No, I guess not." Frankly, too many women treat their husbands as accessories instead of priorities.

Are there any marital situations for which your book does not apply?

Yes, most definitely. Where the behavior of the husbands is blatantly destructive, dangerous or evil, this book does not apply.

However, these ideas and techniques have salvaged and revitalized innumerable strained, stagnant, boring, disappointing, annoying, frustrating and even seemingly dead marriages. When I nag a woman caller to try just one simple behavior for one day, I inevitably get the call back that they are amazed at the difference a day made.

Are you going to write the book for men on the proper care and feeding of wives?

Nope. Men are born of women and between girlfriends and then a wife; men spend their entire lives in the tutelage of women. What women accept or reject is largely the guiding force for what men will and won't do. When they are treated with the Three A's, they naturally, and in gratitude and affection, give their women the attention, regard, respect, support and love they want.

The ideas and techniques in this book are simple and sweet. What a blessing for women to know that they largely control their own happiness! My job is to get their prejudices and bad attitudes out of their own way. Transforming your guy into a loving man is its own reward.

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[Quix]

Well said.

[Quix]

Sounds like you are right on that score, too.

[Lazamataz]

Thanks.

[Marie]

Thank you for the compliment, but remember that wisdom only comes from experience. Most of us learn these things by accident and reflection. (what went wrong?) You'll do much better the second time around if you choose a woman who isn't too green. It took me a painful 5 years to get this stuff straight and it took my husband that long to stop using work as an excuse not to be a husband. I think I did my best growing up when I was in my mid-20's.

Pleeeese don't go for a woman who wants children, but talks more about her future plans for her job! It take sacrifice to have a loving marriage and most women aren't up to the challenge now-a-days.

[Marie]

Run.

[kmiller1k]

b g lsyrt

[Marie]

If he brought her a cup of coffee she'd be embarassed that it wasn't from the french bakery down the road. I know and have known a gazillion women (and lately more and more men) like this. It's all about the status.

You are so right. I have a friend who just opened up a furniture store. She's selling a beautiufl, hand carved bedroom set for half the price it's found anywhere else. Two women walked in and the first was thrilled to find her dream set for a discount. The second woman sniffed and said, "If it's that cheap, there's something wrong with it." My friend is trying to give her customers the best deal and win some loyality, but with attitudes like that, she's wondering why she bothers.

[Marie]

If my memory serves me right, for hormonal reasons, many (most?) women prefer sex at night and men in the morning.

You're right about the time of day thing, but I think it's different for everybody. I'm a noon girl and my hubby is an evening kinda guy. When he's in the mood, my moment has passed hours before and when I'm in the mood, he's at work. (I never let this become an issue, though.)

[Marie]

With most women, a thorough looking over by a pot-bellied plumber will NOT trigger the same emotional response as the exact same looking over by Brad Pitt. Women want to be looked at ONLY by guys that THEY find interesting.

Actually, it depends on if she's in love with the plumber or not. I don't get flattered by the attention of pretty boys.

OK. Now that I think about it, you're right. We get flattered by the attention we get from guys we find attractive and repulsed by the attention of guys we don't. I don't like pretty boys, therefore I don't like their attention. I DO like lumber jack, gasoline-smelling, pipe-smoking, flannel-wearing, gravely-voiced, pot-bellied, no-neck, red necks, thus I find their attention appealing.

That's a first. I've never before managed to find my error of thought before I pressed "Post"! ;-)

[Marie]

Is she on the pill, hormone therapy or the Depo shot? How old is she? (You don't have to be specific.)

[Marie]

I think women REALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLY UNDERESTIMATE THE DEPTH of such feelings and the negativity that goes with such feelings on the part of some pretty brave, strong, assertive--even normally aggressive men.

You are SOOOOO right. It took me forever to understand that my husband feels at LEAST as deeply as I do. But he CANNOT express it. Women have a full rainbow of emotion and a thousand words and ways of expressing it. Men have 4 modes. Happy, neutral, angry or confused. The 4th one usually turns to anger.

I once read that a female has more connections between the left and right hemispheres, thus she can go back and forth between logic and emotion in microseconds. She can (and does) analyze her feelings very easily. But a man has to be settled on one side or the other. Thus men would be 90% in logic mode or running on pure emotion with most rational thought blocked out.

Believe it or not, I changed my behavior with my husband and it WORKS. When he's cool, I can talk to him. When he's upset, I don't try to rationalize with him or get him to see my point. I give him meat. Yes, I really said that. I wave a hunk of lunch meat in his face and tell him to go sit down. He take it and retreats. After he's REALLY calmed down (no less than 30 min), we talk. In the past, when I would push an argument things just went from bad to worse. Now I know that I have to let him let go of the emotion before we can talk. That means I have to let go, too.

[Marie]

The gifts that our mates give us can indeed be construed as outward symbols of our value and worth........and the more insecure one is about one's own worth, the more important those outward symbols become.

Wow, that's smart. Dead on.

[Marie]

b g lsyrt

Huh?

I'm sorry. I'm not that hip. ~ :-\

[freedox]

"We get flattered by the attention we get from guys we find attractive and repulsed by the attention of guys we don't."

Would you concede that "repulsed" might be too strong a word? I learned from my father (BLESS HIM!) that as long as a man's approach is genuine and gentlemanly, open scorn is never an appropriate response. Regardless of whether I find the man attractive or not, I am generally open to an appropriate compliment or an appreciative smile. I am only repulsed by behavior that crosses the line and becomes crass or presumptive.

[freedox]

"When he's upset, I don't try to rationalize with him or get him to see my point. I give him meat. Yes, I really said that. I wave a hunk of lunch meat in his face and tell him to go sit down. He take it and retreats."

ROFLOL!!! I have this great visual of a sulking hulk of a man slouched in his recliner, gnawing on a chunk of meat while he cools off. I think I'm gonna try this one.......

[Quix]

GREAT PRACTICAL WISDOM IN YOUR WONDERFUL POST.

Orange juice and gram crackers can get the electrolites back up, too.

My wife and I finally noticed we were gritchy at each other most when we were hungry.

[Quix]

You sound like a very wise and caring spouse.

[Quix]

AM CURIOUS . . . for my own feedback . . .

were the long excerpts from the ATTACHMENTS book worth your bothering to read, or not?

[Marie]

Would you concede that "repulsed" might be too strong a word?

Not really. If I am standing in a room with a man who I do not find attractive and he is behaving pleasantly or ignoring me completely, there is no issue. Behaving in a kind or friendly manner is welcome. If he makes advances, I feel like backing away. I don't think that's a rare instinct.

[Marie]

For my hubby, beer also works. Sweets and chocolate do NOT get the required response. Remember, meat and beer... meat and beer. ;-)