Dr. Laura Schlessinger: 'The Proper Care And Feeding Of Husbands'

WorldNetDaily.com ^ | Tuesday, January 6, 2004 | Dr. Laura Schlessinger

[JohnHuang2]

'The Proper Care And Feeding Of Husbands'

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Posted: January 6, 2004
1:00 a.m. Eastern

© 2004 WorldNetDaily.com

Why did you write this book aiming at the women – aren't both responsible for the quality of the marriage?

Of course! However, women are in the unique position of having an extraordinary amount of influence over their husbands, which when exercised thoughtfully, compassionately, lovingly and intelligently results in a happier husband who will "swim through shark infested waters to bring her a lemonade."

Women seem not to understand, or underestimate, the profound power they have over their husbands. Men are very emotionally dependent upon women from the day they are born to the day they expire. This book teaches women to use this power benevolently – which will definitely result in them being happier with life and love.

What are the most common complaints men have about their wives?

• Their women don't seem to have much regard for their feelings and needs

• Their women constantly criticize and dismiss them

• Their women don't seem to want to go out of their way to please them

• Their women nag, demand, and complain – and seem to behave as though they were entitled to do so

• Their women don't make them feel truly needed and valued as men

What are husbands' most important needs?

• He wants to feel like a "man" to his woman; he wants to feel he is providing and protecting

• He wants to feel she needs and admires him

• He wants to know she desires him

• Basically, "The Three A's": appreciation, approval and affection

What is the No. 1 worst mistake women make with respect to being happy in their marriages?

They marinate in negatives. It is typical of women to fester and ferment over disappointments, slights, annoyances, angers, etc. Women, more typically than men, will go over it ad infinitum in the own heads, with their mothers, sisters, friends, co-workers, neighbors, social groups (remember Jerry McGuire?) – in doing so they reinforce the negative and create a bad attitude – one which turns into entitlement for not being particularly nice.

Attitude is about believing that your mate has your best interests at heart – it is about not letting loving feelings be squelched by everyday annoyances and disappointments; it is about benefit of the doubt; it is about cherishing the moments and living for the well-being of the other and being sustained by the joy of giving and the blessing of receiving in return.

All through the book you say "men are simple" ... isn't that an insult?

Not at all! In fact, most all of the many hundreds of responses I received from men in preparing this book confirmed just that: "Men are only interested in two things: If I'm not horny, make me a sandwich," and "As a man, I can tell you our needs are simple. We want to be fed, we want our kids mothered, and we want lovin'."

What about sex? Are wives obligated to give their husbands sex on demand?

As a woman who happens to believe that orgasms are a fabulous gift and blessing from God, I am amazed at how many women callers are willing to give them up to the gods of "I'm tired," or "I'm annoyed." Now, anyone cannot be in the mood from time to time – that's natural. However, the denigration of male sexual needs (They are just animals) and the use of sex to punish or control (You didn't do what I wanted) and inappropriate prioritizing (My work and children take all my energy) are self-centered and self-defeating.

I ask my women callers who complain that their husbands are not happy with virtually no sexual intimacy (and, by the way, that's what the men truly feel about sex with their wives – it's the ultimate in "acceptance and approval" for them) if they would be satisfied with that profound a rejection and dismissal. They always say, "No, I guess not." Frankly, too many women treat their husbands as accessories instead of priorities.

Are there any marital situations for which your book does not apply?

Yes, most definitely. Where the behavior of the husbands is blatantly destructive, dangerous or evil, this book does not apply.

However, these ideas and techniques have salvaged and revitalized innumerable strained, stagnant, boring, disappointing, annoying, frustrating and even seemingly dead marriages. When I nag a woman caller to try just one simple behavior for one day, I inevitably get the call back that they are amazed at the difference a day made.

Are you going to write the book for men on the proper care and feeding of wives?

Nope. Men are born of women and between girlfriends and then a wife; men spend their entire lives in the tutelage of women. What women accept or reject is largely the guiding force for what men will and won't do. When they are treated with the Three A's, they naturally, and in gratitude and affection, give their women the attention, regard, respect, support and love they want.

The ideas and techniques in this book are simple and sweet. What a blessing for women to know that they largely control their own happiness! My job is to get their prejudices and bad attitudes out of their own way. Transforming your guy into a loving man is its own reward.

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[hummingbird]

First you start with a three carat diamond...

Hmmmmmmm...three's good....<8^)

[hummingbird]

Great book for both men and women "The Five Love Languages" by Dr. Gary Chapman.

Excellent book...his seminars are great, too!

[hummingbird]

I am so lucky I married my best friend.

Sure makes a difference, doesn't it!

[freedox]

"How much effort you put into a gift counts. It should be like a "kill" to impress us... your skill at the hunt matters.....because that establishes our worth to you, and among our peers getting flowers from their boyfriends, and proves your relative value as a provider and protector."

You touch upon an excellent point here. The gifts that our mates give us can indeed be construed as outward symbols of our value and worth........and the more insecure one is about one's own worth, the more important those outward symbols become. I suspect that this gal has good reason to feel insecure about her own worth, and I doubt that she will ever attract a man who can give her what she demands. Why not? Because she behaves like a greedy, classless shrew.......and men who can afford big diamonds and fancy flowers tend to set their sights a bit higher. I'm glad that Chris has seen the light where this girl is concerned......I have a feeling that he can and will do much better.

[freedox]

Courtesy ping to #586.

[Motherhood IS a career]

I'm exactly the opposite, it would bother me to know a guy was spending seventy bucks on cut flowers at the florist, when perfectly adequate ones are available for $10 or $15 up on 86th St.

I'm right there with ya! Of course, now that I'm married, I prefer the $10-$15 flowers, because it's the thought that counts and I'd rather spend the money on less frivolous things (or on frivolous things for HIM or our daughter instead.) Courtship is a little different though.

Before we were married, my husband used to send me huge, gorgeous bouquets of roses, just because it was Tuesday, and just so I could be the envy of all the girls at the office (not that I wanted anyone to envy me EVER.) That's all changed, and that's the way we both like it. First of all, now he's got me where he wants me, so no need to impress me quite so much anymore. (I'm already impressed.) I still get the occasional pretty bouquet, always with the assurance that he didn't spend too much on it, which is fine with me, because these days, I'd rather he spend that money on guns than roses.

[Lazamataz]

Last spring, I attended a golf outing where Gov. Jennifer Grandholm's husband was the guest speaker. He spoke of role reversal and how women have become more like men, and men are becoming more like women. I listened, and after nearly laughing based on his life experience with Jennifer, he said something that really resonated with me. He said (I think he got this from some book): 'To not be needed is a slow death for a man.' That really had a profound impact on me.

I had a similar reaction when during a meeting, someone observed that in a healthy, normal relationship, men tend to fall in love with the vulnerability in women and women tend to fall in love with the strength in men.

I was like, "Whoa."

[Quix]

I spring boarded off your post to look for Paul Tournier's book THE MEANING OF GIFTS . . . Still looking . . . But I ran across this touching doc. It's close enough to the thread in terms of the holes in the soul that absent or inattentive fathers leave . . . and the consequences to marriages are horrendous.

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from:

http://www.truthfreesus.org/fromadrian/fathers.htm

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Truth Frees Us
Prison Ministry
HOME
FROM ADRIAN'S CELL

Straight from Adrian's Cell

Straight from Adrian's Cell - April 26, 2003

"Toys are not the sole proof of love. The time that a mother or, even more so, a father gives to his children, or one of them, just the two—the walks he takes with them, the explanation he gives on nature, on his own life, his confidences—these are priceless gifts whose memory forever remains ingrained as the most beautiful of all childhood."
Author Paul Tournier, in his book The Meaning of Gifts

The more I get to know the men that have been in prison for most of their lives, I learn that most—if not all—have the same wound: the father-wound. What is the father-wound? Stephen Strang, publisher of NEW MAN magazine put it this way. "Boys don't automatically know their fathers love them. When there is silence instead of supportiveness, ambivalence instead of affirmation, doubt instead of confidence, it leaves a huge hole...dubbed the 'father-wound'." In an example Strang tells a story of his friend that never heard his dad tell him he loved him untill the age of 30. At the hospital, in for a minor surgery, his dad had come to visit. As his father started to leave he called out, "Dad, I love you", to which his father replied, "I love you, too." Strangs' friend broke down in tears. "Dad, do you realize that is the first time I have ever heard you say 'I love you'?". To which his dad replied, "I thought you knew."

Time and time again I hear similar stories from my fellow prisoners. However, the stories that are told to me have never hit home until this last week. I was preparing a list of friends and family that I needed to purchase Easter cards for. As I reviewed the list I noticed that I had not included my father. This took me by surprise. I too had a father-wound and never had thought about it. Gordon Dalbey, author of several books, said that the father-wound is a wound of absence. Therefore, it is harder to recognize than other wounds—and ultimately, more destructive.

After praying about this, I decided to interview a few men that I knew would tell me what was in their hearts. I asked them what they thought about their father. Like if I had just taken a sharp stick and poked them in the heart, they replied in a mixture of anger, sadness, and loneliness. After a series of questions I asked them if they thought that if their father had spent more time with them growing up, that they would have turned out different. Two of the three said yes, the other one never met his father so he had no way to know. But he thought that maybe if he did have a father in his life, he might have turned out different.

Thinking about my Easter list, I asked the men how many still knew their father's address. The two who did have fathers both said yes. Then I asked when was the last time they had written him. Neither one could think of the last time they had written. This reminded me of a story of a Nun who volunteered in a prison. One Mother's Day, an inmate asked the Nun if she would kindly buy him a card so that he could send it to his mother. She agreed and did so. Soon after, the word spread and the Nun had hundreds of requests. Acting fast she contacted a greeting card manufacture, who happily sent crates of Mother's Day cards to the prison. Every single card was passed out. Being sharp and on-top-of-things, she prepared herself in advance and ordered crates of Father's Day cards to beat the rush. Years later she still held every single one of those Father's Day cards in her storage room. Not one prisoner had requested a card for his father.

Where am I going with this up-date? Well, I guess what I am trying to express is that I believe that most men can be kept from prisons if their fathers would take the time to love them. I once asked an inmate in what way he thought his father could have shown him love, he replied instantly by spelling out on the dirt with his finger T-I-M-E. Spending time with your children is probably the best anti-crime prevention there is. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying that our Lord can't prevent crime. What I am simply trying to say is that it all starts at home. It is sad to see that most men here are walking with father-wounds and not knowing that there is a Father in heaven that is ready to give them the love that they long for. The Word of God is what can heal the father-wounds that have been exposed to the bitter salt of this prison world. Please, join Mark and I in bringing the Word to as many inmates as we can reach. Sure, we might not be as big as the larger ministries, however if only one father-wound is healed due to your loving support and time, it will be one less hurting child.

And please, if you have children at home, tell and show them how much you love them, and how much they mean to you.

"The biggest disease today is not leprosy or cancer. It's the feeling of being uncared for, unwanted—of being deserted and alone." — Mother Teresa

'Till next time, learning from my personal father-wound, Straight From Adrian's Cell...

In His service, in your service,
Adrian G. Torres
adrian@truthfreesus.org

[Lazamataz]

Not every marriage is doomed. MOST have a rocky start, though. My husband and I each had to learn some important things before we found bliss.

I had to learn that he loves me deeply even though he doesn't bring me flowers. Love is a feeling and he shows it in his own way. Then I had to learn how to recognize and accept his gestures of love for what they were. (He bought me a 16", $80.00 chef's knife for Christmas. How much more love and trust can there be, fer the love of Pete?!) In short, I had to learn how to ALLOW him to please me. The poor guy was trying.

He had to learn that when work was stressful he was to turn TO me, not ON me. I'm on HIS side. He also had to learn that it takes more than a paycheck to make a husband a good husband. The guy would kill himself working for me, but didn't know how to sit by the fire and have a mundane conversation.

My L-rd, you are wise. I hope to find a woman who has your wisdom, and your ability to see clearly and with tolerance, love, and understanding.

I was so busy with the other issues on this thread I almost missed this.

[Dianna]

Actually, in these cases my purpose of going to stop and shop was solely for the flowers because the flower shop was closed. Anyway, it just soured me to the whole thing.

I understand. Your girlfriend is just mean. Sorry.

[Lazamataz]

I love you man.. You had a long and hard journey to find your way back home, it took quite a man to fight thore demons along the way.. you make me proud to be a man that knows you .. :)

Carlo, you rock. Thanks. But know that I am aware that my initial meager accomplishments are only a small percentage of the things I must accomplish. The more I go, the more I know I do not know. I am barely a human being yet, much less a very good one.

But give me time. :o)

[Quix]

PaulTournier, noted physician and author, raises some pertinent points regarding gift giving:

“Gifts have many meanings, deep and subtle, both for those who give and those who receive. Do I give in order to make others happy…or in order to be appreciated by others? Gifts are given sometimes far more to flatter the pride of the giver than to bring happiness to the one who receives the gift. Many gifts are made in self-interest.”

I look again at Paul Tournier’s small 59 page book, The Meaning of Gifts. In countless ways of which we are rarely aware, the gifts we offer tell more about us than words can ever measure… Is it a gift of Love? Or an offering that trades, dominates, manipulates, destroys? What do your gifts say about you?

THE MEANING OF GIFTS. Hardback. No DJ. Paul Tournier. VG. Gift inscription inside. Translated from the German. 1972. 63 pp. $3.95

AT:

http://www.jamesmcnaughton.net/id26.htm

[freedox]

Wow.......now there's something to think about! Thanks, Quix.

[Lazamataz]

Don't go there. It happened, which is why we are breaking up. I know like nothing about jewelery, and was at an expensive mall. I was shopping for Birthday gift and stopped by Zales. I saw a nice heart pendant for a chain. It had little diamonds in it. It was like $300 or something. What the heck do I know. Anyway, I gave to her, she said thanks. But, after 4 months of never seeing her wear it, I had to say something. She said something like Zales sells cheap stuff. Fast forward a year and I asked her about what she wanted for her birthday. She said under her breath without me knowing I heard it, "Don't get something cheap at Zales."

Wow. That is an incredibly immature woman.

First you have to ascertain if she has the willingness and ability to grow up. If you think so, know that this maturity will probably be a long time in coming. She's really quite a 2 year old.

[Dianna]

These people really know and care about me.

I know what you mean, and I feel the same way. My husband bought me ear muffs for X-mas (and some other inexpensive items, books and jammies)! I had made an off hand comment one day that when it's windy, my hair is blown away from my ears and my ears get really cold. And the band will lie flat underneath my hair so I don't look like a 4 year old. LOL! It was sweet that he remembered what I said.

When my ears are all toasty, I'll think about what a nice husband I have.

[Lazamataz]

Don't laugh, she calls me a Guido on my Mustang GT Convt.

Never mind my original comment. If she is actively insulting you, there's no point in doing anything but running like hell. Not only is she incredibly immature, but directly hostile to you. Run like hell and burn the photos.

[Quix]

Tournier has now graduated to Glory . . . but all his books are awesome. The little one THE MEANING OF GIFTS is full of his priceless insights.

Another, THE STRONG AND THE WEAK is also a great one.

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"That is what marriage really means: helping one another to reach the full status of being persons, responsible and autonomous beings who do not run away from life."
Paul Tournier

Another great Tournier book is:

To Understand Each Other -- by Paul Tournier; Paperback

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The Meaning of Persons
by Paul Tournier (Hardcover - February 1999)
Avg. Customer Rating: 5 stars

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The Whole Person in a Broken World
by Paul Tournier (Author) (Paperback)

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Healing of Persons
by Paul Tournier

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Guilt and Grace: A Psychological Study
by Paul Tournier 5 stars

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Adventure of Living
by Paul Tournier

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Strong and the Weak
by Paul Tournier
Avg. Customer Rating: 5 stars
Other Editions: Paperback

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The Gift of Feeling
by Paul. Tournier

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The Violence Within
by Paul Tournier
Other Editions: Paperback

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Secrets
by Paul Tournier (Author) (Paperback)
Other Editions: Hardcover | Paperback

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Escape from Loneliness.
by Paul Tournier
Other Editions: Paperback

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To Resist or to Surrender?
by Paul Tournier
Avg. Customer Rating:

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Reflections : a Personal Guide for Life's Most Crucial Questions
by Paul Tournier

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Are You Nobody?
by Paul Tournier

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Many, maybe most are out of print but available through used book sources.

They are worth tracking down.

[Quix]

Thanks.

I thought so, too.