Courtesy ping to #586.
I spring boarded off your post to look for Paul Tournier's book THE MEANING OF GIFTS . . . Still looking . . . But I ran across this touching doc. It's close enough to the thread in terms of the holes in the soul that absent or inattentive fathers leave . . . and the consequences to marriages are horrendous.
from:
http://www.truthfreesus.org/fromadrian/fathers.htm
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Straight from Adrian's Cell
Straight from Adrian's Cell - April 26, 2003
"Toys are not the sole proof of love. The time that a mother or, even more so, a father gives to his children, or one of them, just the two—the walks he takes with them, the explanation he gives on nature, on his own life, his confidences—these are priceless gifts whose memory forever remains ingrained as the most beautiful of all childhood."
Author Paul Tournier, in his book The Meaning of Gifts
The more I get to know the men that have been in prison for most of their lives, I learn that most—if not all—have the same wound: the father-wound. What is the father-wound? Stephen Strang, publisher of NEW MAN magazine put it this way. "Boys don't automatically know their fathers love them. When there is silence instead of supportiveness, ambivalence instead of affirmation, doubt instead of confidence, it leaves a huge hole...dubbed the 'father-wound'." In an example Strang tells a story of his friend that never heard his dad tell him he loved him untill the age of 30. At the hospital, in for a minor surgery, his dad had come to visit. As his father started to leave he called out, "Dad, I love you", to which his father replied, "I love you, too." Strangs' friend broke down in tears. "Dad, do you realize that is the first time I have ever heard you say 'I love you'?". To which his dad replied, "I thought you knew."
Time and time again I hear similar stories from my fellow prisoners. However, the stories that are told to me have never hit home until this last week. I was preparing a list of friends and family that I needed to purchase Easter cards for. As I reviewed the list I noticed that I had not included my father. This took me by surprise. I too had a father-wound and never had thought about it. Gordon Dalbey, author of several books, said that the father-wound is a wound of absence. Therefore, it is harder to recognize than other wounds—and ultimately, more destructive.
After praying about this, I decided to interview a few men that I knew would tell me what was in their hearts. I asked them what they thought about their father. Like if I had just taken a sharp stick and poked them in the heart, they replied in a mixture of anger, sadness, and loneliness. After a series of questions I asked them if they thought that if their father had spent more time with them growing up, that they would have turned out different. Two of the three said yes, the other one never met his father so he had no way to know. But he thought that maybe if he did have a father in his life, he might have turned out different.
Thinking about my Easter list, I asked the men how many still knew their father's address. The two who did have fathers both said yes. Then I asked when was the last time they had written him. Neither one could think of the last time they had written. This reminded me of a story of a Nun who volunteered in a prison. One Mother's Day, an inmate asked the Nun if she would kindly buy him a card so that he could send it to his mother. She agreed and did so. Soon after, the word spread and the Nun had hundreds of requests. Acting fast she contacted a greeting card manufacture, who happily sent crates of Mother's Day cards to the prison. Every single card was passed out. Being sharp and on-top-of-things, she prepared herself in advance and ordered crates of Father's Day cards to beat the rush. Years later she still held every single one of those Father's Day cards in her storage room. Not one prisoner had requested a card for his father.
Where am I going with this up-date? Well, I guess what I am trying to express is that I believe that most men can be kept from prisons if their fathers would take the time to love them. I once asked an inmate in what way he thought his father could have shown him love, he replied instantly by spelling out on the dirt with his finger T-I-M-E. Spending time with your children is probably the best anti-crime prevention there is. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying that our Lord can't prevent crime. What I am simply trying to say is that it all starts at home. It is sad to see that most men here are walking with father-wounds and not knowing that there is a Father in heaven that is ready to give them the love that they long for. The Word of God is what can heal the father-wounds that have been exposed to the bitter salt of this prison world. Please, join Mark and I in bringing the Word to as many inmates as we can reach. Sure, we might not be as big as the larger ministries, however if only one father-wound is healed due to your loving support and time, it will be one less hurting child.
And please, if you have children at home, tell and show them how much you love them, and how much they mean to you.
"The biggest disease today is not leprosy or cancer. It's the feeling of being uncared for, unwanted—of being deserted and alone." — Mother Teresa
'Till next time, learning from my personal father-wound, Straight From Adrian's Cell...
In His service, in your service,
Adrian G. Torres
adrian@truthfreesus.org PaulTournier, noted physician and author, raises some pertinent points regarding gift giving:
“Gifts have many meanings, deep and subtle, both for those who give and those who receive. Do I give in order to make others happy…or in order to be appreciated by others? Gifts are given sometimes far more to flatter the pride of the giver than to bring happiness to the one who receives the gift. Many gifts are made in self-interest.”
I look again at Paul Tournier’s small 59 page book, The Meaning of Gifts. In countless ways of which we are rarely aware, the gifts we offer tell more about us than words can ever measure… Is it a gift of Love? Or an offering that trades, dominates, manipulates, destroys? What do your gifts say about you?
THE MEANING OF GIFTS. Hardback. No DJ. Paul Tournier. VG. Gift inscription inside. Translated from the German. 1972. 63 pp. $3.95
AT:
http://www.jamesmcnaughton.net/id26.htm