Dr. Laura Schlessinger: 'The Proper Care And Feeding Of Husbands'

WorldNetDaily.com ^ | Tuesday, January 6, 2004 | Dr. Laura Schlessinger

[JohnHuang2]

'The Proper Care And Feeding Of Husbands'

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Posted: January 6, 2004
1:00 a.m. Eastern

© 2004 WorldNetDaily.com

Why did you write this book aiming at the women – aren't both responsible for the quality of the marriage?

Of course! However, women are in the unique position of having an extraordinary amount of influence over their husbands, which when exercised thoughtfully, compassionately, lovingly and intelligently results in a happier husband who will "swim through shark infested waters to bring her a lemonade."

Women seem not to understand, or underestimate, the profound power they have over their husbands. Men are very emotionally dependent upon women from the day they are born to the day they expire. This book teaches women to use this power benevolently – which will definitely result in them being happier with life and love.

What are the most common complaints men have about their wives?

• Their women don't seem to have much regard for their feelings and needs

• Their women constantly criticize and dismiss them

• Their women don't seem to want to go out of their way to please them

• Their women nag, demand, and complain – and seem to behave as though they were entitled to do so

• Their women don't make them feel truly needed and valued as men

What are husbands' most important needs?

• He wants to feel like a "man" to his woman; he wants to feel he is providing and protecting

• He wants to feel she needs and admires him

• He wants to know she desires him

• Basically, "The Three A's": appreciation, approval and affection

What is the No. 1 worst mistake women make with respect to being happy in their marriages?

They marinate in negatives. It is typical of women to fester and ferment over disappointments, slights, annoyances, angers, etc. Women, more typically than men, will go over it ad infinitum in the own heads, with their mothers, sisters, friends, co-workers, neighbors, social groups (remember Jerry McGuire?) – in doing so they reinforce the negative and create a bad attitude – one which turns into entitlement for not being particularly nice.

Attitude is about believing that your mate has your best interests at heart – it is about not letting loving feelings be squelched by everyday annoyances and disappointments; it is about benefit of the doubt; it is about cherishing the moments and living for the well-being of the other and being sustained by the joy of giving and the blessing of receiving in return.

All through the book you say "men are simple" ... isn't that an insult?

Not at all! In fact, most all of the many hundreds of responses I received from men in preparing this book confirmed just that: "Men are only interested in two things: If I'm not horny, make me a sandwich," and "As a man, I can tell you our needs are simple. We want to be fed, we want our kids mothered, and we want lovin'."

What about sex? Are wives obligated to give their husbands sex on demand?

As a woman who happens to believe that orgasms are a fabulous gift and blessing from God, I am amazed at how many women callers are willing to give them up to the gods of "I'm tired," or "I'm annoyed." Now, anyone cannot be in the mood from time to time – that's natural. However, the denigration of male sexual needs (They are just animals) and the use of sex to punish or control (You didn't do what I wanted) and inappropriate prioritizing (My work and children take all my energy) are self-centered and self-defeating.

I ask my women callers who complain that their husbands are not happy with virtually no sexual intimacy (and, by the way, that's what the men truly feel about sex with their wives – it's the ultimate in "acceptance and approval" for them) if they would be satisfied with that profound a rejection and dismissal. They always say, "No, I guess not." Frankly, too many women treat their husbands as accessories instead of priorities.

Are there any marital situations for which your book does not apply?

Yes, most definitely. Where the behavior of the husbands is blatantly destructive, dangerous or evil, this book does not apply.

However, these ideas and techniques have salvaged and revitalized innumerable strained, stagnant, boring, disappointing, annoying, frustrating and even seemingly dead marriages. When I nag a woman caller to try just one simple behavior for one day, I inevitably get the call back that they are amazed at the difference a day made.

Are you going to write the book for men on the proper care and feeding of wives?

Nope. Men are born of women and between girlfriends and then a wife; men spend their entire lives in the tutelage of women. What women accept or reject is largely the guiding force for what men will and won't do. When they are treated with the Three A's, they naturally, and in gratitude and affection, give their women the attention, regard, respect, support and love they want.

The ideas and techniques in this book are simple and sweet. What a blessing for women to know that they largely control their own happiness! My job is to get their prejudices and bad attitudes out of their own way. Transforming your guy into a loving man is its own reward.

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[goldstategop]

They treat men like a best girlfriend. We don't want to talk too much. Women don't understand why we like to interact more on physical than on verbal terms - we feel more loved and less controlled.

[goldstategop]

Yep... most of time we don't have a thought on our minds. The rare time we do, its about the thing below our waist that has a mind of its own LOL

[Woahhs]

You really have bought the pop-psychology line about men havn't you?

I have to agree with your assessment. Quix is trafficking in platitudes, failing to account for the character of women in a society where they are the functional equivalent of men, yet retaining the desire for the deferences paid to them in less egalitarian circumstances.

I have many anecdotes, both personal and by association, where his exact remedies have failed miserably.

[Marie]

Am curious--Which one, IF I may ask.

"Attachments:"

My mom will be looking for the book next week. It sounds like a necessary read.

[Marie]

Thank you r the compliment. The dynamic of a relationship is the one thing I'm sure about.

[Quix]

One size doesn't fit all per se.

Perhaps you have given little or no attention to my caveat sentences about lack of proper attachment the first 8 years of life.

THE LACK OF ATTACHMENT IS A HUGE, HUGE PROBLEM. I am reasonably certain that 98-99%--maybe 100% of all the cases you speak of would involve individuals who lacked proper attachment to one or both caregivers in the first years of life.

Platitudes? I don't think so. I'm speaking in generalized brief terms because this is not a course I'm teaching on the subject!

When the people are reasonably healthy and often when they are pretty mangled, the suggestions I've listed in this thread have worked amazingly well. The couples involved have been gleefully surprised at their progress and the health, fun, pleasure, satisfaction in their relationship afterward--which they had thought to be impossible to achieve.

Certainly mileage may vary.

People are complex. Problems are complex.

[Quix]

It is, in my book.

If I had Gates' money, I really would give it to every family, couple, teen in the USA and in at least Taiwan, and as much of China as might profit from it.

[Woahhs]

I speak from 25+ years of intense group work and marriage and family counseling as a PhD in clinical psychology.

That does clarify quite a bit.

And I'm not sure where your adverse emotion is coming from.

I wouldn't presume to speak for LTM, but for myself, call it institutional bias. I, as well as my wife, have become convinced whatever model is used to map interpersonal dynamics between spouses is fatally flawed.

You wouldn't happen to have statistics for success and longevity of success for your modality, would you?

[Marie]

Actually, I would be willing to tell anyone all the little secrets, but most men know them anyway. They managed to catch her, didn't they? ;-)

Men put a lot of effort into the relationship in the begining, then cross off "wooing" like it's just anothe item on a check list after the wedding. "What's the point? I already got her." KEEPING her is the trick.

I think that this is why the burden of maintaining a relationship falls on the female the majority of the time. We're designed to maintain our goals. (house work, 20 years to raise a child, hair, nails, make up, etc.) Men feel that a job is done after they accomplish their goals, then they put it behind them. "Catch a wife... wife caught... done. Me want sex. Woman doesn't give sex. Woman cold fish. Me hate woman. Woman change after wedding and no want sex. Marriage bad."

Well, duh.

[Quix]

My modality . . .

I used whatever would work from whatever "system" . . . tending more toward family systems stuff than a lot of other but using everything I could use to help a couple or family.

Statistics--not really. I had very few cases which didn't seem to go any where; which didn't seem to improve at all. And usually, there was a long line of other theapists who'd already failed with those cases, too. Counseling works worst with those who need it most.

Some people are terrified enough of change, regardless of how painful their present--that getting them to change is VERY difficult.

Actually, that's one reason I'm not that into counseling at present. MOST people seem to want to feel good temporarily without wanting to do the work to change the underlying reasons.

I virtually always got significant change and faster than my professors, colleagues or other counselors the clients had seen. But I was usually greedy--wanting MORE change, faster. My pathology, probably.


Could probably count on one hand.

[Marie]

HUG, not talk, LISTEN AND RUB (NOT pat).

Good point.

[Marie]

GREAT COMMENTS.

Thank you, Quix.

[cyborg]

men need regular,happy healthy sex. When more women understand this, husbands will be very happy.

[Marie]

You've got some knowledge backing up your information, too. Very much appreciated input.

[Woahhs]

Answer: probably not PC but here goes... "practical implications" -- healthy offspring. IMHO, women are programmed (mostly nature, some nurture) to be nurturing towards their children. They are excellent communicators. They have to be.

So you're saying the same quality that brings conflict to marital relations enhances parental relations?

Could one not just as easily assert women have difficulty in relationships where their role is not at least quasi-parental?

[Quix]

Of course any model will be flawed because people are so complex and relationships are so complex and people are so idiosyncratically unique.

That's another reason I pray and go with my intuition rather than a formula from a list of models.

[dixiechick2000]

WKB, whatever gave the impression that we need lessons on keeping a hubby happy? lol
I wonder how many years of marriage the three of us ladies have between us...33 years, here.

Magnolia and onyx, you are absolutely right. We belles were raised knowing how to treat, and handle, a man. STEELmagnolias is perfect!

BTW, WKB is always where ladies gather. He loves it!
And, the more ladies, the better. lol
To tell the truth, the ladies really like him, too. ;o)

[Quix]

Good points imho.

[Quix]

THX

N YOU ARE exceedingly welcome.

[Woahhs]

Could you elaborate on "the first eight years" more? Might go a long way towards balancing your obviously wider breadth of experience, and my conclusions.