30 things you'll never hear a woman say

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[freepatriot32]

1. You know, I've been complaining a lot lately. I don't blame you for ignoring me.

2. The new girl in my office is a real beauty, and a stripper too, I invited her over for dinner on Friday.

3. While you were in the bathroom, they went for it on fourth down and missed. If they can hold them to a field goal they'll still cover.

4. Bar food again! Kick a--.

5. I liked that wedding even more than ours. Your ex-girlfriend has class.

6. That girl is wearing the same outfit as I am. Cool, I'm gonna go over and talk to her.

7. Let's just leave the toilet seat "up" at all times, then you don't have to mess with it anymore.

8. I've decided to buy myself a boob job. How big do you want'em?

9. It's only the third quarter, you should order a couple more pitchers.

10. Honey, come here! Watch me do a Tequila Shot off of Stephanie's bare a--.

11. My mother is going to take care of the tab, so order another round for you and your friends.

12. I'm so happy with my new hairstyle, I don't think I'll ever change it again.

13. Damn! I love when my pillow smells like your cigars and beer.

14. You are so much smarter than my father.

15. If we're not going to have sex, then you have to let me watch football.

16. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?

17. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.

18. You're so sexy when you're hung over.

19. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.

20. Let's subscribe to Hustler.

21. I'll be out painting the house.

22. I love it when you ride your Harley, I just wish you had more time to ride.

23. Honey, our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again, come see!

24. No, No, I'll take the car to have the oil changed.

25. Your mother is way better than mine.

26. Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's Day thing and buy yourself something.

27. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire.

28. You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings.

29. Look! My a-- is fatter than yours!

30. Let's get rid of my friends and keep all of yours.

[WhyisaTexasgirlinPA]

LOL....... yea, but she's mean......

[rface]

(just kidding.....I am happily married.....I have to add this notation, since wife, "SavageRepublican" monitors my FReeper activity...

Hi honey!!!! ...<]:^)

[Squantos]

...................................Stay Safe !

[HighWheeler]

"I'm not going to re-subscribe to Cosmo, that magazine runs the same types of articles every month."

"Would you show me how to fix the food disposer?"

"I got you some expensive tools for your birthday instead of clothes."

"No, no, no, I have enough jewelry, just take me fishing for my birthday."

[P.O.E.]

How about "Let's agree to talk only during the commercials"

[killjoy]

22. I love it when you ride your Harley, I just wish you had more time to ride.

Of course my wife would never say that. She has better taste in Motorcycles. :)

[riri]

And the number one thing Riri's husband will never say---

Honey, looks like you've only been logged on to Free Republic for 6 hours today. Why don't I take the kid's to a movie and fix dinner so you can get a few more hours in?

[TexasCowboy]

"I mow the lawn, I watch football, and I initiate sex......."

Hummm.......I can get a contract on your husband for a few hundred bucks.
It would be a damn good investment!

[gitmo]

33. You're on that Free Republic again? Wonderful! I'll get us a couple beers and I'll log on too!

[RipSawyer]

"No, no, no, I have enough jewelry, just take me fishing for my birthday."


My first wife, now deceased, had no interest in jewelry and loved to go fishing any day.

[WhyisaTexasgirlinPA]

I don't think I could mow the grass in Houston.....the humidity would kill me! lol

[tet68]

Ok, a man and his wife are sitting at a restaurant eating
dinner, when a very beautiful red head comes up to their table,plants a deep kiss on the man and says, "I'll see YOU
later."
His wife, taken aback asked,"Who is that?"
"That's my mistress", the man replies.
"Why,why, I'm going to file for divorce!"
"Ok dear, but keep in mind that means no more trips to Europe, no more shopping in NYC, no new Lexis every year
and no vacation home in the Bahamas."
Just at that moment a neighbor walks in, and on his arm
is a striking brunette.
The wife asks who she is, as she knows the man is married to someone else.
"She is HIS mistress", the husband says.
The wife replies," OUR's is prettier."

[Maria S]

"A quick little trip to this loser's site and I almost felt sorry for him, but somehow, I know he brought it on himself."


Now, Now...be nice. This fellow sounds to me (from his website) that he's had a really tough time with American women! On the other hand, you may be right...he may HAVE brought it on himself.

At any rate, I HAVE done #3 several times...I love football more than my spouse (it's in the blood here in Texas)

[TexasCowboy]

Hon, you ain't gonna have time for no grass mowing.......and I've got air conditioning.

[reformed_dem]

I've said 3, 9, 15, 19, 21, 24. Does that make me less of a woman?

[duckman]

You forgot #31. "Honey, you can have your penis back when you go out with your friends".

[tiamat]

PigRigger wrote:

Here's another

No, No, I insist, let me pay for dinner; you've done enough already.

**************************************

I've said that lots of times. Maybe you need to see a different kind of woman?

;-)

Tia

[tiamat]

TexasCowboy wrote:

32. "Let's don't go to that stupid mall today! Let's stay home and swig beer and watch porn!"

*************************************************

Hate the mall. If he's are willing to substitue "porn" for sci-fi or a cop show, I'm there......

Tia

[tiamat]

Tax-chick wrote:

1, 19, 24, and 28 I guess y'all just know the wrong women.

******************************

Amen!

Tia

[shaggy eel]

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress.
Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.
Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple; and Santa Claus had an accident.

Only one of them survived the accident.

Question: Who was the survivor? (Scroll down for the answer. Trust me, it's worth it)

Answer:

The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

**** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.

**** Men keep scrolling.

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

**** Men Keep scrolling

By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this illustrates another point: Women never listen.