Dave Barry Freeps Poetry Scam Site [Vanity, but fun!]

Dave Barry's Blog ^ | 7/13/03 | Dave Barry

[VRWCmember]

Check this out! Freemont W Member received the following letter at my house today:

Dear Freemont,

    After carefully reading and discussing your poem, our Selection Committee has certified your poem as a semi-finalist in our International Open poetry Contest.  You poem will automatically be entered into the final competition held in August 2003.  As a semi-finalist, you now have an excellent chance of winning one of 104 cash or gift prizes – including the $1,000.00 Grand Prize. You may even win the $10,000.00 Annual Grand Prize!  We wish you the best of luck as you compete for these prizes in the coming weeks (a complete list of prizes is enclosed).

     And that’s not all…

Freemont … Imagine Your Poem Featured

on a Page by Itself in a Beautiful Coffee-table Edition!

    In celebration of the unique talent that you have displayed, we also wish to publish your poem on its own page in what promises to be one of the most highly regarded collections of poetry we have ever published …

Eternal Portraits

 Library of Congress ISBN-0-7951-5227-2

    Eternal Portraits is scheduled for publication in Fall 2003, will be a classic, coffee-table quality hardbound volume – printed in two colors on fine-milled paper specifically selected to last for generations.  It will make a handsome addition to any library, a treasured family keepsake, or a highly valued personal gift.

….

Whoo-hooo! I'm going to be published and I may even win money for my poem! Wait a minute, did any of you guys and gals get a similar letter? Are these people pulling my mother's toe-less legs?

[Argh]

Not me. Congratulations, if they're not pulling your leg, Vast!!!

[Argh]

I guess my contribution at # 14 just didn't cut it.

[VRWCmember]

Thanks Argh.

Hey cote, whatever happened to the daily poetry thread?

[Argh]

Check your freepmail.

[VRWCmember]

Well how's this -- I submitted a haiku, a limerick, a simple verse, and a free verse poem. Of the four I submitted, it was the simple verse poem "Remember" that won as a semi-finalist selection. Just goes to show you that those poems that don't rhyme (like haiku and freeverse) just aren't as good as good old-fashioned rhyming verse.

Personally, I liked my limerick (Gravy) the best.

[VRWCmember]

I'm guessing there were some liberal democrats on the selection committee. That is clearly the only explanation for rejection of such fine poetry.

[Argh]

I liked the haiku best. I didn't submit mine, I thought it was sufficiently ghastly for it just to be seen here.

[Slings and Arrows]

Oh, they're telling the truth. Of course, if you want a copy, it'll cost you much dinero. Likewise, if you want copies for your family, friends, dog, cat, etc., you'll be out yet more shekels. Of course, I would never stoop so low as to suggest that these goniffs are preying on the gullibility and emotional vulnerability of would-be poets to bilk them out their hard earned dollars for what amounts to a vanity press book. But Dave sure did - that's why he freeped them.

BTW, this the poem that Dave got into one of their previous "collections":

Thinking of You
At this special time
And hoping your organ
Removal went fine.

In brief, the distinction in the letter you got is as real as the $95,000 junk mail check that this guy received, but without nearly the humor potential.

Please don't think I'm attacking you; people like these jerks infuriate me because they make their money exploiting other people's dreams. It may be legal, but it's surely not moral.

[VRWCmember]

Please don't think I'm attacking you;

Not at all. In fact, I was onto their little ploy of getting me to order their book for the bargain price of $49.95 from the get-go. I won't be ordering, but I will include a nice little story about the inspiration of my poem and my immeasurable joy at being recognized for my poetic talents for inclusion in the book.

Hey, if I win the $1000 grand prize I'll let you know. I might even cut Dave in for a piece of the action.

[Soaring Feather]

My Dragon Fly and Me

If I could be a Dragon Fly
and wing my way through the sky
I would never be shy
just me and my Dragon Fly!

By moonlight we ride the wind
chase the comets tail for fun
by day we would hide from the sun
our fragile wings would come undone

On darkest nights we would use
fireflies as our guides
we would dip and we would glide
through the heavens open wide
and scatter diamonds in the night sky
my Dragon Fly and I...

And we would wing past our lovers
silent in the night...
to kiss their face in our flight
much to their surprise and delight
my Dragon Fly and me in sight...

Such a view do we share
away up here in the air
of breezes soft through our hair
my Dragon Fly and me a pair...

bentfeather©

[Argh]

I take it that's not one of those big scary stinging dragonflies. :^) Very nice, Miss Feather!

[VRWCmember]

Very nice graphic and poem, bentfeather.

(But I didn't see where you used the line "the dog ate mother's toes" anywhere.)

[Soaring Feather]

:-)

[archy]

Momma and the dog, back home on the Bayou

Well, Amos Moses was a Cajun.
And lived by himself in the swamp
Hunting alli-gator for a living;
He knock 'em on the head with a stump:
The Louisiana law's gonna get you, Amos!
It ain't legal hunting alligator down in the swamp, boy!

Now folks in South Louisiana
said Amos was a helluva man
He could trap the biggest, meanest alli-gator,
He only had to use one hand
That's all he got left 'cause the alligator bit him. Ha ha!
Left arm gone clean up to the elbow,
The dog ate mother's toes.

['pologies to Jerry Hubbard/ AKA *Jerry Reed*]

-archy-/-

[archy]

Very nice graphic and poem, bentfeather.

(But I didn't see where you used the line "the dog ate mother's toes" anywhere.)

The words *Dog* and *dragonfly* both begin with the letter *D*. It's a literary allusion, very subtle and tasteful.

The intellectual reader immediately recalls the words of Freemont A. Harkins with such an obvious prompt. Of course, I sometimes have the same reaction upon hearing Chuck Berry sing My Ding-aling.

Right, bentfeather?

[archy]

I guess my contribution at # 14 just didn't cut it.

Don't quit now, hit 'em again while they're still stunned from the first one. For example:

With suns painting the morning sky
was filled this day of summer.
Beautiful maidens on the shore breathing erotic sighs.
With golden rainbows, flourishing hopes
was full this day of summer,
And wrapped in dreamy, loving songs,
This summer day begun,
The dog ate mother's toes.

[southern bale]

Here's my contribution:

The Stormy Day

The rain falls
The wind blows
In another room
My mother sews.

Her cigarette ash glows
A bead of sweat hangs from her nose
The dog is hungry
And she knows.

She ignores his hunger woes
And suddenly the dog arose
We will never forget that stormy day
When the dog ate mother's toes.

Freemont Mcgillicuddy

Copyright ©2003 Freemont Mcgillicuddy

[Soaring Feather]

The apple of desire
lucious gold
born of friends
will flower within
sparkling soft rain
ending with winter's love...

bentfeather
a/k/a HLM
Copyright (c) 2003
All Rights Reserved

[VRWCmember]

Ping to the Dave Barry Thread.

The funny thing about this poetry contest is that one of my entries actually won the first round and qualified for inclusion in some book of poetry they are publishing. I was thoroughly amused by their letter, which I referenced in one of the comments on the thread.