Funny Stories that will make you feel like a Genius.

email | 05-23-03 | 4mycountry

[facedown]

BTTT

[Oorang]

Had a board meeting coming up. The boss asked a co-worker to write up a new Mission Statement and gave her the draft. This was a "rush" as the board members would be arriving any minute. When she was done she was to make copies for all and distribute them to all board members in the conference room. She got them done and usually I would proof her work before it went anywhere. No time for that. She handed them to all and she was so proud of her work. At the top she had put "Omission Statement". Didn't go over real well.

Same co-worker. She asked for my recipe for split pea soup that I had brought for lunch that day. Said I didn't really have a recipe. Just throw split peas, ham, etc. in the pot. A few days later she said she had bought 4 cans of peas to make the soup and wow, those peas are hard to split!

[Stone Mountain]

Some years ago, I ordered a medium drink at a fast-food place. I was informed by the cashier that they were out of large cups, so she would have to give me my medium drink in a large cup, filled 2/3 of the way full. I said that was fine, and then watched her get a large cup, fill it with ice and soda all the way to the top, pour 1/3 of the contents down a sink, and give me the drink!

[alisasny]

That is pretty sad

[spodefly]

Once, when I was hanging out with some muscian buddies that had a garage band thing going, the guitarist and the keyboardist were trying to work out an ending section that was a legato repitition of an earlier motif, altered slightly with emphasis on the m3 played on a high sustained keyboard note ... all together a nice ending to the best music ever played in that garage.

About that time the bass player has an idea to do a sort of picardy third thing on the bass, and go into a double time major-key boogie REO-Speedwagon kinda thing. Man, he was dumb.

[radiohead]

back when windows 3.1 was out, my sister called me long distance for help w/her computer. after trying to figure out the problem over the phone w/o much success, i finally said, "sounds like it's frozen. maybe you've got too many windows open."

ms. genius relies, "yes, it is kinda cold in here."

[DouglasKC]

A year or so ago I walked into the local Wal-Mart. It was about 9 or so and there weren't many people around. I heard the PA system come on and a very youngish nervous voice came over saying, "I have a customer by the balls in the sporting goods department and I need help from a member of management, please."

lol...reminds me of the time I worked in the sporting goods department with a lovely young lady. I convinced her to read the blue light special over the intercom like so:

"Good evening K-Mart shoppers. That blue light is flashing back in our sporting goods department where we are selling softballs 2 for a dollars. Please don't forget to have your balls ticketed before leaving the area and thanks for shopping at K-Mart."

[radiohead]

shoot - relies = replies

[DouglasKC]

In my younger, wilder days an acquaintance of mine, while driving drunk, accidentally drove up on the sidewalk. He then noticed a policeman, just a short distance behind, and knew he had been seen. So he came up with a brilliant idea to avoid a DUI; he hopped out of his car, opened the hood, and feigned car trouble. Sure enough, the cop stopped, got out of his cruiser and asked him what the problem was.

lol..that sounds a bit like an experience I had once a long time ago. Four or five friends and I were in my car parked on a dirt dead end road one winter partying with wine and other substances. We noticed a car creeping down the road toward us with it's lights off....cops!

Thinking fast I said "quick, jump out of the car and pretend we're trying to push the car out of the snow."

So we did that. The cops come idling up and I run up to their car and said "Thank goodness...can you guys pull us out of here? We've been stuck in the snow for like a half hour". The cops were kind of pissy about it and said "No" (it was cold and snowy) and never got out of their car!

That's about the only time that a cop encounter turned out postive.

[breakem]

I hate the proliferation of paper receipts. One day at the century theatres in Sacramento the sweet young thing at the snack bar register handed me "my receipt." I asked her if the food was tax deductible. She said she didn't know. I said I don't believe it is, so I won't need a receipt. She said I had to take it. I said is this a new rule for customers or they can't get in to the movie. She said she would be fired if I didn't take it. I said, that's ok, why would you want to work where they had such stupid rules that she'd be responsible for the customers behavior.

Again Sacramento, Carl's JR Franklin and Florin. 1 receipt at the first window, a second receipt wrapped around the bag at the second window and a third receipt in the bag. All for the same thing of course.

Same CJs, different day. Lunch time on a work day. I enter and start to give my order. The young man says, the computers are down, we can't take your order. I said, I have a suggestion. Write down what I order with the price next to the item. Total up the prices add the tax and I'll pay it. On paper you can subtract what I owe from what I give you and that will be my change. At the end of the day, add up the pieces of paper against the money in the registers. Answer: we don't know how to do that.

[Constitutionalist Conservative]

A year or so ago I walked into the local Wal-Mart. It was about 9 or so and there weren't many people around. I heard the PA system come on and a very youngish nervous voice came over saying, "I have a customer by the balls in the sporting goods department and I need help from a member of management, please."

We have a winnah! Thanks, you made my day.

[Frumious Bandersnatch]

My wife got a "blue-light special" item from K-mart a few years ago. And as she was picking it up, they announced over the loudspeaker that all blue-light specials were to be further reduced 50%. Well the original markdown on the item she got was fifty cents, so she takes it to the cashier and the cashier tries to charge her 50 cents. When she protests, saying that it was 50% off, the cashier told her that "K-mart don't give away nothing for free."

[TankerKC]

I had a telemarketer call while we were having dinner a few weeks ago. He asked to talk to TankerKC. I told him TankerKC was not available and that I was Special Agent Mortimer from the ATF...and that I was serving a search warrant...and asked him just what his relationship with TankerKC was...he got off the line quickly.

[PoorMuttly]

My friend's sister tried to call someone on his cell phone. She gave up when she couldn't figure out how to put a "dash" between the numbers.

[Ben Bolt]

I can actually see you doing that . Thanks for the gut buster !

[breakem]

Thanx. Prices are so high at the snack bar now, I'll never have that experience again.

[Ichneumon]

At the top she had put "Omission Statement". Didn't go over real well.

It could be worse. About ten years ago I read an account of how a large, famous-name bank (I forget which one now) had set up a form letter to be sent to its biggest depositers asking them if they wanted to subscribe to a special service. However, due to a programming error, instead of each recipients' name being substituted at the top of the letter intended for them, the original "test" name was left in. So all the bank's best customers got letters that began, "Dear Rich Bastard:"...

[Dustoff45]

"Wow, you counted that change pretty quick!" To which the girl replied "Counted?"

I was once assigned to a group that did audits of cash tills for a retail unit. It was not our favorite task.

We would show up unannounced and perform a "cutoff" freezing both the paperwork, and all of the funds until we could get an accurate count.

One fellow was asked to roll the coins. He did a mighty proud job and we had coin rolls of all different lengths and amount.

Only later did we realize what else he had not done. He had been asked to seal a certain safe to be counted later. The seal was to have his dated signature that the safe could not be opened without detection. Normally this seal is attached at the door's edge.

When we went for lunch, the team leader looked around and noted that one safe had not been sealed. No boss!, I sealed it! Looking closer there was the seal stuck to the very front of the door.

It was the last time he was asked to do audits. Dumb like a fox, maybe?