Posted on 03/22/2003 8:42:19 PM PST by sonsofliberty2000
I thought since the war was going on and the seriousness of it all frustrates everyone (I have had to take a break from talking heads myself. One more and I'll scream. On the same note: does Shep on Fox ever sleep? I went to sleep on Thursday night and there he was and woke up at 11:00 or so and he was there all day till that night and I went to sleep then!)so I am calling for the best jokes from Freepers once again. My last thread as such was back while Clintoon was still running rampant 3/16/2000 and can be looked up here:
http://www.freerepublic.com/forum/a3ab2674636ec.htm
So lets have at it FReepers! Here are some ice breakers. The first 3 are 3 faves from the last thread and then the last two are from George Jessel, the toastmaster general, and George Burns respectively.
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Bill Clinton woke one morning in the White House after a fresh snowfall. Looking out the window he saw that someone had peed in the snow writing..."Bill Clinton Sucks". Bill agrily called in the SS and told them he wanted to know who the culprit was. A few hours later the Agent returned and said.... "Sir, I have good news and bad news." "Well," shouted Bill, "What is it?" The agent relied, "Well, the good news is that the urine is Al Gores." After a short hesitation the agent continues "Sir the bad news is that the handwriting is.......Hillary's".
********************************************************* Clinton returns from a vacation in Arkansas and walks down the steps of Air Force One with two pigs under his arms. At the bottom of the steps, the honor guardsman steps forward and remarks, "Nice pigs, Mr. President" Clinton replies, "I'll have to let you know that these are genuine Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got this one for Chelsea and this one for Hillary.. So, now what do you think?" The honor guardsman answers: "Nice trade, Sir."
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One day, a man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some jerk out there wants to buy only half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager found the boy and said "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?" "Minnesota, sir," the boy replied. "Well, why did you leave Minnesota," the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but Ugly Women and hockey players up there." "Really!" said the manager. "My wife is from Minnesota!" The boy replied, "No kidding? What team did she play for?"
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George Jessel:
A student nurse who was not yet familiar with all the hospital slang was unaware that the euphemism in her hospital for "bedpan" was "vase". You can imagine the uproar she caused when one of her patients asked her to bring him a vase in a hurry and she replied, "Sure, if you'll just tell me how big your bouquet is."
George Burns:
In one of my films they had a young bit player who was very pretty, but a terrible actress. However, she was very ambitious and decided that if she got some experience in the theater, it would help her career. Fortunately, she had a wealthy boyfriend who backed a road company of The Diary of Anne Frank just so she could play the leading role -- Anne Frank. Before the opening in Cleveland, Ohio, they had three weeks of intensive rehearsals, and every day was more and more frustrating for the director. The actress was impossible. She couldn't remember her lines, her delivery was amateurish, and the more she rehearsed, the worse she got. The director was ready to quit the show, but she told him she was a poor rehearser. "Believe me," she assured him, "when I face that opening-night audience, it'll all come together."
She invited me to the opening night, but I was not all that anxious to see her perform, and I had even less desire to be in Cleveland in February. A friend of hers and mine did go, and later he told me what I'd missed.
When the curtain went up she blew her opening lines, and her performance went downhill from then on. By the intermission the audience was totally fed up with her. Then, in the first scene in the second act, when the Nazi soldiers broken into the home, overturning furniture and shouting, "Where is she? Where's Anne Frank?!" the whole audience yelled back, "She's in the attic!"
To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each.
It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.
No further testing is planned .
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