Posted on 03/21/2003 8:02:14 PM PST by Reverend Bob
Recent events at the U.N. have once again exposed the French for what they are. In spite of what some commentators say, the French are nobodies allies. Their history of uncivilized and perfidious behavior is well documented. Below are 16 things for which we can blame the French, in whole or in part. Feel free to add any I may have missed. Note though that I have purposely excluded purely cultural faux pas like Jerry Lewis and street mimes.
Sixteen things for which the French should be condemned:
1. THE REIGN OF TERROR -- French cultural superiority runs amok. The guillotine becomes the first major French invention since the White Flag.
2. Vichy France -- Have your cake and eat it too. At least the Italians protected their Jewish populations.
3. Napolean -- Sure, he was a Corsican and a dictator, but this was the height of French power.
4. Vietnam -- French colonialism goes bad; others try to clean up the mess.
5. Devil's Island -- French humanitarianism in practice.
6. Algeria -- French colonialism goes bad, part deux. France establishes it's great human rights record in the Muslim World.
7. The Great Depression -- In a follow up to Versailles, the French insist on "War debts" paid in gold. The Saar invaded. World Currencies collapse. Much hilarity ensues.
8. Maximillian -- While the US fights the Civil War, France tries to establish a puppet kingdom in Mexico. Upside: Basis for Shirley Maclaine's best movie.
9. Paris Under the Commune -- Lefties take over. Much comradery and bloodshed. Guy Endore (and others) have something interesting to write about.
10. Haiti -- Another failed colony. The US is still trying to put that mess back together.
11. The Dreyfus Affair -- Franch anti-Semitism comes to the fore.
12. Osirik -- Atoms for peace? Menachim Begin gets even for #11.
13. Suez Canal -- French colonialism fails early. British prove that the easiest way to lose big is to have France as an ally.
14. The XYZ Affair -- French diplomacy, Chirac style. If "Baksheesh" isn't French, it should be.
15. Iraq, esp under Saddam. -- I don't need to elaborate, do I?
The Belgian Congo -- OK, not "really" French but, as the Belgians are little more than wanna-be Frenchmen, they should probably get the blame for this as well. What can you say about a people who aspire to be French anyway? I'd move to make them honorary Frenchmen and ask for a show of hands, but their former subjects would have a hard time voting and, anyway, isn't "honorary" Frenchmen a bit of a misnomer?
the above list took less than a minute to compile. What am I missing?
The Belgians are a mix of French and German so what you get is Snotty Nazi's
The encirclement at Sedan during the Franco-Prussian War. (French generals gallantly take the advice of the Empress Eugenie. Really.)
Handing Joan of Arc over to English so they could kill her. After she saved their country.
Thinking Woody Allen did nothing wrong, that he is unfairly criticized by puritanical Americans.
Powdered wigs as fashion statements.
Gaudy, gilt, gold-leaf furniture. Roccoco style. In fact, overdecorated rooms in general.
Gallic Wars – Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2,000 years of French history, France is conquered by, of all things, an Italian.
Hundred Years War – Mostly lost, saved at last by a female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare: "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."
Italian Wars – Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians. Wars of Religion – France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots
Thirty Years War – France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.
War of Devolution – Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.
The Dutch War – Tied.
War of the Augsburg League / King William's War / French and Indian War – Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Francophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.
War of the Spanish Succession – Lost. The war also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.
American Revolution – In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome," and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare: "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."
French Revolution – Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.
The Napoleonic Wars – Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.
The Franco-Prussian War – Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
World War I – Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.
World War II – Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel song.
War in Indochina – Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu.
Algerian Rebellion – Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a Western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare: "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.
War on Terrorism – France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe
(Dumas based his novel on records of a real case of a prisoner (probably a political prisoner) who was encased in an iron mask for many years until death.)
Champagne
Caron perfumes, especially Nuit de Noel
Chanel - the little black dress, nautical sweaters, the modern bathing suit, stretch clothes, two-tone pumps, chain link belts, quilted-leather purses, No. 5
Dior - nipped waists, yards and yards of skirt, doe eyes, Diorissimmo
Coq au vin, beef bourguignon, eclairs, and more
Courvoisier
French bulldogs
Stendahl's The Red and the Black
Paris
The taxicab army and the stand at the Marne
In Germany, before WWI, they had a saying "To live with God in France"
drum roll please....
encouraging Jerry Lewis.
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