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Spread a Little on Me ( Stupid baby names)
http://www.misanthropic-bitch.com/briandrye.html ^

Posted on 02/14/2003 11:27:55 AM PST by Hillary's Lovely Legs

In a previous article, I introduced three members of my family: Brianna, Brianna's mother and Brianna's still-baking sibling.

After learning that my aunt intended to name a female infant "Taylor Jade," I gave my opinion of the name.

"What a wonderful name, I exclaimed, for a future professional hooker! If you want your daughter to augment her breasts and slurp other things in lieu of water, stick with that name."

A look of horror washed across my aunt's face, and she left. To her credit, she didn't stick with that name. To my amusement, she went with one even worse.

It's a girl!

Huh? Wha? It's 2 a.m. What's a girl?

I had a girl! Isn't that great?

Who the heck is this?

It's your aunt, and I had a girl!

Huh? Oh, Taylor Jade made her arrival?

We decided on a new name.

Well, bully for you.

We settled on "Riley"!

Oh, God, Riley is so trashy. Why don’t you just hand her over to the porn industry to raise? Because when I think of Riley, especially with your last name, I think, "How much does she charge?"

That’s awful. That’s a really rotten thing to say. Besides, we’re spelling it R-Y-L-E-E. That makes it classier.

Oh, sure, if the class you’re trying to rise above thinks a double-wide trailer is luxurious. Don’t you know there’s a direct correlation between extraneous "y"’s in a kid’s name and the number of laws they’ll violate? And what’s with the "-ee"? How cutesy is that?

You can be really rotten sometimes.

I know, it’s a gift. I’m just trying to save the kid some pain. There’s a cardinal rule in naming kids, and it is "Thou shall not mix ethnicities." Rylee sounds Irish. Your surname is LeManne. Rylee LeManne. It’s like me being Rosita Connelly. It’s not allowed.

But I’m all about the nicknames. You know that. I named Brianna "Brianna" because I like "Bri" for a nickname. I picked "Rylee" because "Ry" is so damn cute.

Jesus Christ. Bri and Ry? Like cheese and bread? You’re naming your kids after cheese and bread?

Well, I never thought of it like that.

You should have. It’s perfect for an incestuous lesbian stage show, though. "The Incestuous Lesbian Duo, Bread and Cheese LeManne." What’s the tagline going to be? "Hey, Bri, come over here and spread some on me?"

*click*

That's the last time I try to help a family member.

But my aunt isn't alone in doling out cutesy or "unique" names to her living accessories. It's a nationwide trend.

With society churning out Columbine Borg at a rapid pace, naming a child is one of the few remaining acceptable outlets for individuality. We want our kids to conform because conformity is the glue that holds society together. But giving them a name that no one ever thought to bestow upon a child -- Dysmenorrhea, for example -- allows parents to demonstrate some level of non-conformity.

Of course, buying a child a chemistry set and encouraging the exploration of the wonderful world of chemicals is far less embarrassing than saddling a child with the name "Cannon."

Along with creative names come creative spellings. Maybe the parents weren't clever enough to invent a name. Maybe they liked the sound of a traditional name, but they still wanted their child to have a leg up on the Lakens and Teagans.

But does spelling matter when the teacher calls on Julie, Jullee, Jewlee, Julliee and Julye?

"Rylee" is but one example of misspelled monikers. Traditional names become undecipherable.

Mayghan? Is it pronounced like the more traditional "Megan"? Or May-ghan? May-gun? My-gun? How can anyone tell in a country brimming with Brinleys, Hollyns and Kestins? Where Matthew becomes "Matthue," a too-trendy Carson becomes "Karsyn" and an overdone Taylor transforms into "Teighlor"?

Then there are the parents who completely lack creativity. They give rise to the Trumans, Willows, Xanders, Dawsons and Dharmas. They're television or movie addicts, and a name that fits a fictional character will surely fit their snookums.

And the stranger the name or spelling, the more apt the parents are to eschew discipline.

During finals, I escaped to the local public library to study. Libraries are quiet, or so I've heard.

Fifteen minutes into studying, a book fell on the floor. Again and again, a book fell on the floor. I got up to see who the klutz was, and it was none other than an adorable female toddler.

She purposely threw the book on the floor. Again and again. After five minutes of that, and perhaps noticing annoyance on the faces of other people, the mother half-heartedly attempted to discipline her angel.

"Kinsey, stop it. Stop it, Kinsey. Please, Mommy is trying to read, Kinsey."

What the heck? Kinsey? Like the Kinsey Institute? Either Mommy is kinky or stupid.

My vote was on the latter because for 20 minutes, Kinsey entertained the library with her antics.

I doubt a Jennifer would do that, but I bet a Jenypher would.


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KEYWORDS: hogg
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To: TrappedInLiberalHell
Good for you !!!

Carter was the one who did it for me --- UGH !!!

261 posted on 02/14/2003 1:27:37 PM PST by coder2
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To: aruanan
I called a wrong number a couple of weeks about and got a voice mail. " You have reached xxx-xxx-xxxx, if you want to leave a message for Bob, press one, for Clinton, press two, for Chelsea, Press Three.

Ugh, Democrats!!!!
262 posted on 02/14/2003 1:28:52 PM PST by Hillary's Lovely Legs (Happy people live longer. I plan on living forever)
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To: egarvue
>>Our goal was not to have cutsie names like your snide "Teighlor" comment, we chose to have real Biblical names for our kids. And for the record, here in our part of the Midwest, the spelling "Rebekah" is rather common. <<

Didn't mean to be snide -- but it is an odd spelling nonetheless for most of the country. Your kid will probably still have to say "Rebekah with an H and a K."

It's just a reality -- don't get mad at me that a lot of the country really isn't in touch with the Old Testament.
263 posted on 02/14/2003 1:36:36 PM PST by freedumb2003
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To: OnTheDress
Good thing I'm confident about my sexuality, or I'd not have ordered the Pud Prik King at lunch.
264 posted on 02/14/2003 1:38:43 PM PST by eno_
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To: Mr. Jeeves
My sister does some of the hiring at her office. The philosophy of the staff there is if they can't tell if the applicant is male or female by the first name or if they can't tell what the pronunciation is they go into a special pile. That pile is considered only if there is no qualified applicant with a normal name.

Just remember there are probably many more people out there hiring who won't consider someone because they don't know how to address the letter (Mr.or Miss) or say the person's name to call them.

265 posted on 02/14/2003 1:41:56 PM PST by Betty Jane
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To: Hillary's Lovely Legs
Can you remember that wrong number? I've got a message I've been wanting to leave for "Clinton."
266 posted on 02/14/2003 1:42:33 PM PST by WaveThatFlag
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To: Hillary's Lovely Legs
My husband and I just had a boy about 5 months ago. We sat down and though of every stupid name we could that way we would get it out of our system and then chose a name from the bible. But as it goes his nickname is still going to be hard on him. Joe King.
Some of the names we threw around were. (and these are both boy and girl)
May King
Fay King
Ray King,etc.etc.etc.
So if anyone has a suggestion for the next one to ten kids send them my way...lol.
267 posted on 02/14/2003 1:44:50 PM PST by mrschurchjack
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To: Hillary's Lovely Legs
May I add if I hear one more little girl
named MADISON,
I am going to go and slap her parents.

It's those Silly French throw away names
that Parents stick on their Girl Cubs
that make me wanna Barf !

" Well honey .....now that we've decided on Dakota Cheyenne "
for a First name ........what'll we do for a Middle name ??
" OH I don't care ........just stick in a... Nichole , Renee , or Michelle
........or how 'bout GABrielle !

" Dakota Cheyenne GABrielle Shwerdferger "
There......that ought to do it !

.....THUNDER......

268 posted on 02/14/2003 1:47:47 PM PST by THUNDER ROAD
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To: Hillary's Lovely Legs
Naming girls is tough. Girl names tend to come with more baggage than boy's names. So I can understand the trend in names that are just a tough masculine like Madison, Tyler, or Dakota.

I'm quite familiar with the downsides of having a very common name though. There's always another Matt whereever I go. And it's not all together rare to come across another Matt Miller which sometimes results in interesting errors by various companies and government agencies.

It does mean I can use my real name on the Internet and still be fairly anonomous though.
269 posted on 02/14/2003 1:49:39 PM PST by MattAMiller
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To: Hillary's Lovely Legs
Oh yeah, that reminds me. I knew guys who were roomates in college named named Paul & George. Their answering machine message was:"Hi this is Paul & George. Ringo's not here right now and John is dead. Please leave a message."
270 posted on 02/14/2003 1:53:22 PM PST by WaveThatFlag
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To: Hillary's Lovely Legs
I submit to you a REAL name of a man I once met:
Dave Dickoff

How pitiful...
271 posted on 02/14/2003 1:58:27 PM PST by FreepLady
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To: mrschurchjack
Just so long as you don't name the kid Larry. "Larry King," now that's a real idiot's name.
272 posted on 02/14/2003 1:59:01 PM PST by WaveThatFlag
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To: freedumb2003
I apologize for the small flame, didn't mean to misinterpret you. Yes, her name will be kind of a pain to spell, but its at least explainable - whereas most of the names listed in this thread are attributable to sheer stupidity on the parent's part. Once again, sorry I bristled at you.
273 posted on 02/14/2003 2:00:16 PM PST by egarvue (Martin Sheen is not my president...)
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To: Hillary's Lovely Legs
In school we had a girl named: Candy Graham.
274 posted on 02/14/2003 2:05:26 PM PST by GallopingGhost
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To: SerpentDove; Cagey
I went to Texas Tech also...... and I thought about naming a pet Raider, but never my son....lol
275 posted on 02/14/2003 2:14:37 PM PST by WhyisaTexasgirlinPA
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To: Deport Hollywood Scumbags
Q-Bert....I love it!!! LOL!!!
276 posted on 02/14/2003 2:16:03 PM PST by hattend
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To: Lx
Had to be Richard Pryor. I remember him doing a bit a number of years ago about names Blacks give to their children and wondering who thought them up.

My vote for the best comedian ever.

277 posted on 02/14/2003 2:16:37 PM PST by Uncle Sausage
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To: TrappedInLiberalHell
His full name is Richard Whiskey. Dick Liquor for short.
278 posted on 02/14/2003 2:18:14 PM PST by Uncle Sausage
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To: WSGilcrest
Tears... rolling down my cheek..... You should charge admission to see that collection- Thanks!
279 posted on 02/14/2003 2:19:43 PM PST by frodolives
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To: dyed_in_the_wool
You know the kicker on the then Houston Oilers named his son after the logo on the helmet: Derrick.

Guilty! My husband and I argued about names for months before we settled upon Derrick. Unfortunately, by that time I was no longer writing the names out to see how they looked.

After a 30 hour labor, the nurse asked me how to spell it, and Derrick is what I came up with.

280 posted on 02/14/2003 2:24:14 PM PST by Dianna
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