WASHINGTON, DC — In what is sure to be a serious blow to young fans and followers of Jesus across the country, the Federal Trade Commission announced a sweeping recall of all Christians baptized between March 1979 and June 1985, fearing many of them may have been accidentally blessed with piss water.
"This should really come as no surprise," said Cardinal Roger Mahoney of Los Angeles. during a press conference Tuesday. "We have an entire generation of young Limp Bizkit-loving, baggy pants-wearing, school-shooting, Ecstasy freaks. We knew something was wrong but not until recently did we know they it was because they were baptised in unblessed urine."
According to FTC Spokesman Charles Dewhurst, the nation's supply of holy water became adulterated when several rogue priests in charge of distributing the water began siphoning public swimming pools, at the same time swindling churches out of millions of dollars earmarked for future molestation lawsuits.
Though neither confirming nor denying the FTC's claim, nearly every Christian denomination from Anabaptists on down to Unitarians have issued statements to assuage the fears of those who may have been affected by the recall.
Spokesperson for the U.C. Catholic Church, Cardinal Frances Macalahan, echoed the feelings of most religious leaders.
"We don’t really know what happened with our holy water, but we are urging all young people to come on back in and get re-blessed, just in case. But please, for the love of God, take a shower first."
Above: This baby was accidentally dunked in a vat of human refuse