Why do men cheat on their wives?

Ask Dr Gaylen ^

[Hillary's Lovely Legs]

do  Why Do Men Cheat on Their Wives?

QUESTION:  

My husband is very much a flirt. Because of this as well as numerous other reasons, I think my husband is having an affair. I don?t think I am lust being paranoid. Please give me some help in understanding why men cheat, because I don?t think it is just me.   

  ANSWER:  

Your dilemma is one that is all too common. You are probably right when you say that it is not ?just me.?  It takes two to make a marriage or break a   marriage, and it takes two to have an affair. The fact that he has always been ?a flirt? suggests that, at one time, he was that way with you. You probably responded in a way that made him feel special, wanted, and needed, and reinforced his flirting behavior. This ties in with

 the first and main reason why men have affairs: to feed  their ego. The problem with us males is that feeling good about ourselves, or meeting our ?ego needs,? is our primary goal in life. Therefore, the first reason why men get involved in affairs is that it feeds their egos.

   The second reason is what we call ?misplaced anger.? For example lets consider the husband who is really mad at his wife for whatever reason. He may have an affair with some other woman as a way of making his wife ?pay. ? Instead of directing his anger toward her (which he may be afraid to do), or expressing the anger in a way that will help the relationship change, he just has sex with some other woman This action then feeds his ego (because someone else wants him), so he now feels good (physically and emotionally) and he doesn?t feel as angry with his wife. In his anger, he has made her pay.

   The third reason why men have affairs is boredom. The Bible (Proverbs 9:1 7) tells us  ?stolen melons are the sweetest,  stolen apples taste the best.?  In modem times this means that the ?grass is greener on the other side of the fence.? ?If I don?t have enough excitement in my life, I will create some.?

5 Reasons Why Men Cheat
on Their Wives

       1.  LOSS OF EGO
             A man?s primary need is to feel good about
             himself.  When he doesn?t he finds ways to
             meet this primary goal .

       2.   MISPLACED ANGER
              He may be angry at his wife but, rather
              than  deal with problem, he has an affair to
              ? make her pay?  

        3.   BOREDOM 
              Affairs are rarely boring; they tend to be
              exciting and full of life. Even the fear of
              getting caught causes excitement.  

        4.   ESCAPE FROM EMOTIONAL PAIN  
              The male sex drive provides a distraction
               or ?vacation? from emotional pain.  

      5.   NEED FOR NURTURE & INTIMACY
               If these needs are being met, men have
               no need to look elsewhere

 Children who are raised in alcoholic homes, for example, become what we refer to as ?adult children of alcoholics.? One key characteristic is that they become easily bored with life should it become too ?stable.?  
Children in alcoholic homes are raised with nothing being stable. As adults, they are then more comfortable in an unstable environment than in a stable one. This is why they become ?bored? and actually create chaos - because it is what is most familiar or comfortable to them. We all tend to repeat our past, whether that is a positive past or a negative past. If it was unstable then, we feel most comfortable in creating an unstable one now. 

The fourth reason why men have affairs is to escape emotional pain. Our sex drive is the second strongest drive within us -second only to self-preservation. Sex therefore can easily be used as a strong distraction from some emotional pain we do not want to feel. Few things in life are more intense than fulfilling this sex drive with a climax or orgasm. For this reason, a man can use sex as a way to distract him from emotional pain, like problems at home or work. It feels good to him physically, and he gets a vacation from the rest of his feelings of hurt and pain. This is why pornography is a multi-billion dollar industry. He can receive instant gratification just by looking at a magazine, the Internet, a video, etc., and have a secondary benefit of taking a vacation from some internalized emotional pain. 

The fifth reason is the desire for nurture and intimacy. A recent study from the Florida State University found that premature babies who were massaged by their mothers on a regular daily basis developed physically 60% faster than those who did not receive this extra ?touching.? We all need human touch. It is a special form of nurture. When men don?t feel nurtured and cared for by their wives, they will seek it elsewhere. Everyone, males and females need to be nurtured with touch.

[nobdysfool]

Re: What do women want from men, and what do men want from women...

A typical veiled slam against all men. Not all men think with the "small head". The only issue I would take with your first list is the "able to read women's moods and minds" bit. Men may be able to do that to a point, if they're paying attention, but it's not right to demand that they "must" be able to do that or they are imperfect. A man will get better at doing so with a woman he is close to, as in marriage, but it doesn't come naturally. Women need to understand that they are sometimes a complete mystery to men, and it frustrates us when we are castigated or belittled for not knowing what seems so obvious to them. It works both ways...men can be equally as frustrated over a woman's inability to see things from an objective point of view, rather than emotionally. Rather than see those traits as negatives, both need to see them as traits which add to the other's view of the world, and of their relationship. Too many people go into marriage without a clear idea of what it means to meld two lives into one relationship, one common life, having a common set of goals and desires.

Your first list was pretty good. If that is what women say they want, why do they settle for so much less? The disconnect here is not that men are such low-lifes, it is that women settle for so much less than what they really want. It is completely unrealistic for a woman to say she wants those things, then get involved with a man who is far less than that with the idea that she will "change" him. Why not find a man who is already the way you want him to be? It's a lot less work, and a lot more enjoyment for both. The onus is not on the men, it's on the women. It's the women who need to quit being such self-centered, whiny, contradictory wimps and respect themselves more.

Men are not stupid. We will take the path of least resistance, but that is because we have enough challenges in our lives without having to fight the battles at home, too. A man wants his home to be his safe haven, his respite and refuge from the world, not the central battleground! Men want to feel wanted, appreciated, useful, protective, and safe with the woman he chooses to open up enmotionally to. Too many women betray a man's trust with demands, petty bickering, unreasonable expectations, and strife, and then wonder why he looks elsewhere for what he needs. Too many women are stuck on "I want", "I need", "Why can't you be more...", "I shouldn't have to tell you...". Men automatically tune that out, because we see it for what it is: a no-win scenario, and men don't like to lose. That's just the way we are, ladies. Make us feel like winners, and we'll move heaven and earth to try to make you happy. Make us feel like losers, and it's "Bye, see ya!"

[cynicom]

No dinner at home, man is hungry after long days work, man goes to restaurant. Does not love the restaurant but the food was good.

[WhyisaTexasgirlinPA]

I agree with your post.... but I think, in many cases, it isn't "just" a physical reason for the split - but one where both quit trying. Whether it is because of other underlying problems, or just laziness - but when you forget to show excitement at being together, or stop the courtesies you used to show..... those little problems just pile on top of each other until there is a mountain between the two.

[WhyisaTexasgirlinPA]

Discretion is the better part of valor......

[WhyisaTexasgirlinPA]

Perfect analogy..... perfect....

[nobdysfool]

Oh, that it were that simple....

[socal_parrot]

or

Beats me.

[Age of Reason]

Why Do Men Cheat on Their Wives?

Because it makes sense.

In prior generations, men who cheated on their wives increased the chances of their genes being passed down to future generations.

And until the recent availability of genetic testing, a man could never be sure that the children his wife carried were his; so by attempting to impregnate someone else's wife or daughter on the side, such men hedged their evolutionary bets.

What's more, many women inherit a tendency to be attracted to men who cheat because such men will probably pass the cheating tendency to any sons the women bear such a husband (or boyfriend on the side--women cheat too), thereby helping to ensure that her genes will be spread by her cheating sons and their male offspring among all the generations that follow.

And finally, in a society that does not allow polygamy, having a mistress on the side is the equivalent of having a number two wife.

Now this is only one evolutionary strategy--people have other strategies for passing their genes along; evolution, too, hedges its bets.

[StolarStorm]

Hey, I've got a question that is slightly off topic but doesn't warrant it's own thread.

Let's say your wife was "approached" by someone you THOUGHT was a very good friend, and that person made some cruel comments regarding you... in an attempt to steal your wife from you. Let's say that your wife decided to not tell you about the incident and allowed you to continue to treat this person as a friend... and help out that person when he was down and out. Let's say that her failure to notify you of this incident caused you to feel like a complete fool.... and used. Was she being a "b*tch" or was she really just trying to protect you?

[Age of Reason]

What do men want of women?

In no particular order, that they be willing to have sex.

Err, now tell us what do men want of a wife.

[Texbob]

Why do women cheat on Husbands?

[WhyisaTexasgirlinPA]

I'll butt in and give you MY answer on that!

While I do believe there are times it is better to withold a comment to protect the feelings of your spouse, I feel that should be used for minor things, i.e. a haircut or a tie....

But, a wife's loyalty should be to her husband, and not only should she have torn the "friend" a "new one", she should have told her husband so he would be aware of how good a friend this guy was....

But, that is just my opinion..

[Gumption]

I couldn't let that exceptional post go by without filling your love tank with some words of affirmation. Luckily my wife is an affirmation person ... Wahooo, no quality time crap! ... and I am a touch guy. I used to think sex was THE most important thing on earth, but I've come to discover that simple touches, like gooses and pecks on the cheek, can keep me satisfied (my love tank full) for weeks. And complimenting my wife is completely effortless because she is truly the best woman on earth.

Not that I needed it but, your post further confirmed that my wife and I are really meant for each other. Thanks.