Why do men cheat on their wives?

Ask Dr Gaylen ^

[Hillary's Lovely Legs]

do  Why Do Men Cheat on Their Wives?

QUESTION:  

My husband is very much a flirt. Because of this as well as numerous other reasons, I think my husband is having an affair. I don?t think I am lust being paranoid. Please give me some help in understanding why men cheat, because I don?t think it is just me.   

  ANSWER:  

Your dilemma is one that is all too common. You are probably right when you say that it is not ?just me.?  It takes two to make a marriage or break a   marriage, and it takes two to have an affair. The fact that he has always been ?a flirt? suggests that, at one time, he was that way with you. You probably responded in a way that made him feel special, wanted, and needed, and reinforced his flirting behavior. This ties in with

 the first and main reason why men have affairs: to feed  their ego. The problem with us males is that feeling good about ourselves, or meeting our ?ego needs,? is our primary goal in life. Therefore, the first reason why men get involved in affairs is that it feeds their egos.

   The second reason is what we call ?misplaced anger.? For example lets consider the husband who is really mad at his wife for whatever reason. He may have an affair with some other woman as a way of making his wife ?pay. ? Instead of directing his anger toward her (which he may be afraid to do), or expressing the anger in a way that will help the relationship change, he just has sex with some other woman This action then feeds his ego (because someone else wants him), so he now feels good (physically and emotionally) and he doesn?t feel as angry with his wife. In his anger, he has made her pay.

   The third reason why men have affairs is boredom. The Bible (Proverbs 9:1 7) tells us  ?stolen melons are the sweetest,  stolen apples taste the best.?  In modem times this means that the ?grass is greener on the other side of the fence.? ?If I don?t have enough excitement in my life, I will create some.?

5 Reasons Why Men Cheat
on Their Wives

       1.  LOSS OF EGO
             A man?s primary need is to feel good about
             himself.  When he doesn?t he finds ways to
             meet this primary goal .

       2.   MISPLACED ANGER
              He may be angry at his wife but, rather
              than  deal with problem, he has an affair to
              ? make her pay?  

        3.   BOREDOM 
              Affairs are rarely boring; they tend to be
              exciting and full of life. Even the fear of
              getting caught causes excitement.  

        4.   ESCAPE FROM EMOTIONAL PAIN  
              The male sex drive provides a distraction
               or ?vacation? from emotional pain.  

      5.   NEED FOR NURTURE & INTIMACY
               If these needs are being met, men have
               no need to look elsewhere

 Children who are raised in alcoholic homes, for example, become what we refer to as ?adult children of alcoholics.? One key characteristic is that they become easily bored with life should it become too ?stable.?  
Children in alcoholic homes are raised with nothing being stable. As adults, they are then more comfortable in an unstable environment than in a stable one. This is why they become ?bored? and actually create chaos - because it is what is most familiar or comfortable to them. We all tend to repeat our past, whether that is a positive past or a negative past. If it was unstable then, we feel most comfortable in creating an unstable one now. 

The fourth reason why men have affairs is to escape emotional pain. Our sex drive is the second strongest drive within us -second only to self-preservation. Sex therefore can easily be used as a strong distraction from some emotional pain we do not want to feel. Few things in life are more intense than fulfilling this sex drive with a climax or orgasm. For this reason, a man can use sex as a way to distract him from emotional pain, like problems at home or work. It feels good to him physically, and he gets a vacation from the rest of his feelings of hurt and pain. This is why pornography is a multi-billion dollar industry. He can receive instant gratification just by looking at a magazine, the Internet, a video, etc., and have a secondary benefit of taking a vacation from some internalized emotional pain. 

The fifth reason is the desire for nurture and intimacy. A recent study from the Florida State University found that premature babies who were massaged by their mothers on a regular daily basis developed physically 60% faster than those who did not receive this extra ?touching.? We all need human touch. It is a special form of nurture. When men don?t feel nurtured and cared for by their wives, they will seek it elsewhere. Everyone, males and females need to be nurtured with touch.

[AmishDude]

Well, it's been my experience that frequent, irrational accusations often belie the fact that the accuser is committing the same acts.

No, it is best you didn't return the accusation. You may still discover the truth in time -- if you even care to. But psychological warfare is a much more satisfying revenge.

Mwahahahahahaha . . . Not that I've done it myself, mind you. ;)

[Canticle_of_Deborah]

Sex is an important part of a relationship. But even the best sex doesn't go on forever. Always, things eventually cool down. After that there has to be something more to a relationship or it's over. I was married. I am divorced, happily. And the sex wasn't that good anyway:)

[LowOiL]

Please excuse the typo's I am about to post below

A person needs to feel loved. Thus picture a love tank if you will. If it is full, there is no desire to look elsewhere. To keep that tank full, one's spouce should know how to express love to their spouce in a manner that they acknowledge. Thus one needs to know their spouce's love language.

There is five basic love languages.
1. Quality time
2. Acts of Service
3. Physical Touch
4. Words of Affirmation
5. Gifts

Usually a person has one main love language and possibly a secondary love language. If you are not doing the love language that is recognised by your spouce as love, you are wasting your time.

The trick is to determine your spouces love language, and if you care for them (and you should) you do their love language and "fill" their love tank full. Thus they feel loved and don't think of other immoral means to try and substitute love in their lives.

Example: if one's spouce's LL(love language) is quality time, then you need to turn off the tv and spend time with them one on one with your 100% attention. The crave it and it speaks love to them.
But.... if one spouce is not a quality time person and the other spouce tries to express love with such, they will in effect smoother that person and acually obtain the opposite objective. I am not a quality time person, but my wife is, I know I have to take time to express my love for her by giving her special time, she needs it to feel loved.

If ones's love language is "Words of Affirmation". Then a word or two truthfully express about how good they do something makes a world of difference. This is my LL and my wife does a good job of telling me how proud she is of me because I do certain things for her and the family. I could live a good week on an Honest good compliment.

If ones's LL is gifts. You will notice they are usually the ones that are constantly give you things. You know the type, you can't outgive them. They do it cause that is what they know as expressing love to others and they need a small token of love expressed back at them to feel loved. They are reaching out when they give. You con't have to outgive and it does not have to be something expensive, perhaps an extra icecream cone when you go to the store. A little trinket that caught your eye that you know they collect. Just something... says a whole lot of love to them.

Perhaps their LL is "Acts of Service". Then doing a chore for them every now and zen means the world for them. Perhaps jumping in and helping with the dishes will fill that Love Tank to overflowing. If they are overflowing with love, they just might be more than willing to do some loving back in a manner you appreciate.

Lastly there is "Physical Touch". Men ofter think this is surely what theirs must be. But often they are decieving themselves. Physical touch could be as simple as goosing them when you pass by them. Perhaps a bunch of hugs during the day. Yes and it could mean sex of course. But often men think this would be their LL, but in reality, if their true LL is "words of affirmation" and the wife is saying something like "when are you going to take that garbage out, you know it ain't going out the door by itself" then they often are so frustrated they are not in the mood to be nice back to the wife. One knows sex is a multy level experience and for it to be good, it helps not to feel empty inside. If your love tank is empty, then your sex is probable lacking also.

Take time to read your spouces LL and start expressing it. It's rewards are beyond a divorce.

LOW OiL

[PatrioticAmerican]

How about a bitch for a wife who nags and nags and simply demands "romance" but acts like a hag? Maybe if she shaved her legs once in a while and lost those 30 pounds of "baby fat". There are many reaons, and to just say that these 5 are it would be a bit short sighted.

I am very lucky that I have a great wife and would never think of cheating, but, I have a friend or two who would be better off without thier hags, if not for kids being involved.

[AmishDude]

If so many more men cheat than women, with whom? The numbers don't add up. Perhaps people aren't telling the truth somewheres.

Perhaps with your name, this might make sense. Consider a bipartite graph with partitions M and W with M being the men who cheat and W the women who cheat. Clearly, |M|>|W|, but the handshaking lemma gives that the average cheating woman cheats with much more men than vice versa.

Or, to put it bluntly, sluts.

[StolarStorm]

No.... I'm saying that nobody is perfect. You can find a flaw... probably a big flaw... in anyone you ever meet. Weaknesses happen. We're aren't living in a perfect world. Besides, you have to weigh all the circumstances...

For example (my situation... and yes I'm still faithful), I've had a very difficult marriage... because my wife has failed many aspects of the marriage contract. Sure, she's been faithful... but she has made my life hell... I'd rather she cheated than be as nasty as she is at times.

And yes, I was close to divorcing her... when she got cancer. Out of loyalty, honor and compassion I'm still married to someone I'd rather not be married to... Oh and I should mention... I haven't had conjugal relations in a long time (and I'm fairly young) So if I cheat in the future out of sheer human desperation ... does that make me a monster? According to you it does. I guess I have no right to have any happiness in my life.

[Argh]

Answer: Hormones. Although for many ego is a reason. Now goddamn tell me why wives cheat on their husbands, if it's all the same to you.

[Tennessee_Bob]

Yeah, things changed, but I'm not going into it. Working hard on moving past all that crap.

[ValerieUSA]

Marriage vows that have nothing to do with sex are broken often by both parties.

Who decided that marriage vows have nothing to do with sex? Does just one party in a marriage get to make this decision any time HE feels like it?

[LowOiL]

My previous post was taken from my account of reading a wonderful book available at most Christian book stores called "The Five Love Languages". I forget the author, but loved the content. It makes for a great wedding gift.

Low Oil

[discostu]

good sex is part of a good marriage, but not all of it, not even a majority of it.

Here here. Actually most people get the equation backwards. Step one to good sex is a good relationship. Mind that's a completely different kind of "good" than Cosmo talks about, but I've had both, good relationship sex is the better of the two.

[Canticle_of_Deborah]

I thought that looked familiar. I've read it. Good book.

[hillsborofox]

Now here's something I can address.

[koba]

OK, take a sample of women in their 20s and a sample of women in their 50s and photograph them and show them to a group of men. Which group do you think the men will find more attractive?

[StolarStorm]

I meant that you seem to be concentrating on the "sex" part of marriage vows. Being decent to each other is just as important. You seem hung up on the sex thing.

[xp38]

Thank you for a fascinating thread.

[LowOiL]

I thought that looked familiar. I've read it. Good book.

I agree, if men are looking into trying to read their spouce's mind, they can find no better start than that book. (other than the Bible).

Thanks for your comment Golden

Low Oil

[Ajnin]

I think what StolarStorm was getting at, is there are other ways to be disrespecful of your spouse other than infidelity.

[StolarStorm]

Some people would prefer nice pleasant lies to ugly truths. I prefer truth.