Why do men cheat on their wives?

Ask Dr Gaylen ^

[Hillary's Lovely Legs]

do  Why Do Men Cheat on Their Wives?

QUESTION:  

My husband is very much a flirt. Because of this as well as numerous other reasons, I think my husband is having an affair. I don?t think I am lust being paranoid. Please give me some help in understanding why men cheat, because I don?t think it is just me.   

  ANSWER:  

Your dilemma is one that is all too common. You are probably right when you say that it is not ?just me.?  It takes two to make a marriage or break a   marriage, and it takes two to have an affair. The fact that he has always been ?a flirt? suggests that, at one time, he was that way with you. You probably responded in a way that made him feel special, wanted, and needed, and reinforced his flirting behavior. This ties in with

 the first and main reason why men have affairs: to feed  their ego. The problem with us males is that feeling good about ourselves, or meeting our ?ego needs,? is our primary goal in life. Therefore, the first reason why men get involved in affairs is that it feeds their egos.

   The second reason is what we call ?misplaced anger.? For example lets consider the husband who is really mad at his wife for whatever reason. He may have an affair with some other woman as a way of making his wife ?pay. ? Instead of directing his anger toward her (which he may be afraid to do), or expressing the anger in a way that will help the relationship change, he just has sex with some other woman This action then feeds his ego (because someone else wants him), so he now feels good (physically and emotionally) and he doesn?t feel as angry with his wife. In his anger, he has made her pay.

   The third reason why men have affairs is boredom. The Bible (Proverbs 9:1 7) tells us  ?stolen melons are the sweetest,  stolen apples taste the best.?  In modem times this means that the ?grass is greener on the other side of the fence.? ?If I don?t have enough excitement in my life, I will create some.?

5 Reasons Why Men Cheat
on Their Wives

       1.  LOSS OF EGO
             A man?s primary need is to feel good about
             himself.  When he doesn?t he finds ways to
             meet this primary goal .

       2.   MISPLACED ANGER
              He may be angry at his wife but, rather
              than  deal with problem, he has an affair to
              ? make her pay?  

        3.   BOREDOM 
              Affairs are rarely boring; they tend to be
              exciting and full of life. Even the fear of
              getting caught causes excitement.  

        4.   ESCAPE FROM EMOTIONAL PAIN  
              The male sex drive provides a distraction
               or ?vacation? from emotional pain.  

      5.   NEED FOR NURTURE & INTIMACY
               If these needs are being met, men have
               no need to look elsewhere

 Children who are raised in alcoholic homes, for example, become what we refer to as ?adult children of alcoholics.? One key characteristic is that they become easily bored with life should it become too ?stable.?  
Children in alcoholic homes are raised with nothing being stable. As adults, they are then more comfortable in an unstable environment than in a stable one. This is why they become ?bored? and actually create chaos - because it is what is most familiar or comfortable to them. We all tend to repeat our past, whether that is a positive past or a negative past. If it was unstable then, we feel most comfortable in creating an unstable one now. 

The fourth reason why men have affairs is to escape emotional pain. Our sex drive is the second strongest drive within us -second only to self-preservation. Sex therefore can easily be used as a strong distraction from some emotional pain we do not want to feel. Few things in life are more intense than fulfilling this sex drive with a climax or orgasm. For this reason, a man can use sex as a way to distract him from emotional pain, like problems at home or work. It feels good to him physically, and he gets a vacation from the rest of his feelings of hurt and pain. This is why pornography is a multi-billion dollar industry. He can receive instant gratification just by looking at a magazine, the Internet, a video, etc., and have a secondary benefit of taking a vacation from some internalized emotional pain. 

The fifth reason is the desire for nurture and intimacy. A recent study from the Florida State University found that premature babies who were massaged by their mothers on a regular daily basis developed physically 60% faster than those who did not receive this extra ?touching.? We all need human touch. It is a special form of nurture. When men don?t feel nurtured and cared for by their wives, they will seek it elsewhere. Everyone, males and females need to be nurtured with touch.

[kezekiel]

*smile* You dont know this man. He'll do fine, thanks.

I hope so. Good luck to you both!

[ValerieUSA]

If a good percentage of our military will not honor their marriage vows, then a good percentage of them are without honor, yes. Same goes with Congress and former presidents and professional athletes.

[ATOMIC_PUNK]

You took the pixels right off my monitor

[discostu]

I spent the majority of my first marriage being accused of having an affair with any man that I knew

That's probably the one "valid" excuse there is for cheating. If the spouse is gonna make you do the time you might as well do the crime. Of course even then getting rid of the spouse before being with someone else is better. Glad you're out of a bad situation.

[Tennessee_Bob]

Nope, divorced - wow - two years and five days now. The anniversary passed and I didn't even realize it.

[StolarStorm]

He/she without sin cast the first stone....

Nobody is perfect. Marriage vows that have nothing to do with sex are broken often by both parties. We aren't perfect beings. Saints were sinners as well. I'm not sure that anyone could measure up to your standards.

[AmishDude]

Should have told her that you will go and have that affair and make her watch. Then she'll have something to complain about. (Sounds like she was having one of her own.)

[Howlin]

In droves.

[ValerieUSA]

Don't make the vow if you won't honor it - how difficult is that? If you are saying that it impossible to expect anyone to live up to a vow of fidelity, then do away with the vows and marriage - let's all stop pretending.

[Tennessee_Bob]

(Sounds like she was having one of her own.)

That thought has crossed my mind several times. But other than the constant accusations balanced against folks saying that "the one accusing is the one doing it," there's no real evidence. Some circumstantial stuff, but if I had accused her of it with nothing more, then it would have just caused more "chaos" in the household, and things were chaotic enough.

One thing the author of the article said that struck home was about the children of alcoholics not liking order and preferring chaos. I'll testify to that, based on my experience in being married to one for ten years.

[Thumper1960]

Apparently, WJC and "Cardinal RATzinger (RAT?) follow the Yul Brynner (King And I) theorem. Roughly, that women are flowers while men are bees. Flowers do not go from bee to bee to bee...rather bees go from flower to flower to flower.

[AmishDude]

so gallantry can wait . . . Marriage is so far off in the future, . . . think about that right now.

Time passes quicker than you think. :)

I'm not looking for a hero. If I wanted children, that might be another story entirely.

True enough. But remember, love often evades the most carefully-laid plans. Best of luck to you and him.

[Tennessee_Bob]

...and you picked up Laundry skills for your time!

Already had the laundry skills and the cooking skills before I met her. Now I've got my daughter, I'm single, and I'm back in school.

Sex? What sex? There was no sex for the last three years of the marriage. And none since the separation in late 99.

[discostu]

You should get rid of him. He's going to give you a disease. When people cheat (women do it too) it's because they're no good pieces of sh!t, period. It doesn't take two, anybody that thinks the person being cheated on (except under very specific circumstances) "forced" the person out is just excuse mongering. When one enters into an exclusive relationship (marriage or otherwise) then it should remain that way, if someone can't keep it exclusive then they should get out of it, if they just plain can't do it then they shouldn't get into exclusive relationships ever.

[homeschool mama]

***One thing is, is that as women get older they become less attractive.***

What an amazingly ignorant thing to say. Simply amazing.

[Doctor Stochastic]

However, it does seem that men are far more likely to cheat or to want to cheat.

If so many more men cheat than women, with whom? The numbers don't add up. Perhaps people aren't telling the truth somewheres.