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Posted on 12/05/2025 5:33:00 AM PST by where's_the_Outrage?
Many companies claim to be modern and fair, yet some old habits still survive surprisingly well. One employee found out just how quickly things can escalate when she questioned a task she’d been quietly assigned for months.
Hello, Bright Side,
I’m 27F, a project engineer. My boss kept asking me to take notes at meetings with clients. I didn’t mind at first, until I noticed I was the only one he asked. When I finally refused, he smirked and said, “Women are best at it.” I reported him to HR.
The next day, I was heading to my desk when a coworker grabbed my arm and whispered, “He’s pissed. He’s been blaming you all morning.” I honestly felt sick walking to my workstation because I had no idea what he’d try next.
When I came up to my desk, I saw a small box sitting on it. Inside was a note. It said: “We both know you’ve overreacted. Let’s fix this between us.” There was also a Starbucks gift card for $10.
I immediately gave the box to HR. They asked if he’d contacted me outside of work (he hadn’t). They said the gift card was an attempt to influence an active investigation, which is against policy. He was suspended and then let go. I’m very glad HR took it seriously before things escalated.
But... am I wrong for not giving him a chance to talk privately before going to HR?
Mary
Hello, Mary,
Well, this line—"Women take better notes“—could be displayed right next to “You’re too emotional for leadership” and “We’re like a family here” in the Museum of Workplace Misconceptions.
1. The note-taking comment wasn’t harmless—it was a clear bias cue. Your boss didn’t say, “You take good notes.” He said, “Women are best at it.” That’s not a compliment. It’s a category error.
That smirk you mentioned? That’s the behavioral equivalent of someone saying, “I know exactly what I’m doing, and try me.”
2. The gift card wasn’t a peace offering—it was a policy violation. A $10 Starbucks card is many things:
A gesture of apology? A weak attempt at bribery? A liquid asset valued at precisely one latte and a cake pop? But what it is not is an appropriate response during an HR investigation.
In corporate compliance, even small gifts can be considered attempts to influence outcomes. There are entire HR training modules dedicated to this.
3. Giving him a “private conversation” first was never your job. Let’s imagine what a private talk would have looked like:
You: “Your comment was inappropriate.” Him: “Relax.” You: “I won’t take notes on command anymore.” Him: “You women are so sensitive.”
You heard your colleague, your boss spent the morning blaming you. He didn’t consider that he was wrong. Not a single second.
Going directly to HR was the only appropriate step.
So, are you wrong? No. Not even slightly. You handled this like someone who understands not only her rights, but also the psychological pattern of someone trying to test boundaries and save himself when caught.
Bright Side
And Mary isn’t the only one who’s faced this kind of pushback. When Gloria, a senior analyst, was told a leadership role was “too demanding for women,” she filed a report—and a few months later, she was the one sitting in her boss’s chair.
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When we buy a new appliance, it’s pulling teeth to get my husband to read the directions. Often enough he has to finally use them anyway...
LOL. Yes, it is funny - but I hope you never went back to that dentist.
Who died and made you boss?
Sounds like a woman who called me once when I worked as a contractor for the USPS. I was an environmental consultant and this woman’s daughter was graduating from a major university with a degree in environmental policy. She assumed, correctly, that I knew a lot of people in the industry. She asked if I could maybe introduce her daughter to some people. I said sure. As the conversation continued it became apparent that the daughter was expecting to come out of school and immediately go into management. I told her mother that the way it worked was, she’d get hired and have to do some field work for a few months or so to learn the real-world part of the job. She literally asked if I meant she would be getting dirty. I said probably. She kind of looked at me and said, “I thought they hired HS guys to do that type of work”. I explained to her that her daughter, to be good at her job, needed to understand it and that came from real field experience. She thanked me for my time and left.
That girl is probably the head of some government department she been issuing edicts from for 30 years, on stuff she knows nothing about.
Heh, I never did...and I always looked at my sister-in-law in a different light after that...I always found her judgement to be very sound and reliable but after that, it made me wonder why she had recommended that dentist!
It is surprising to me that note-taking has not been replaced by audio and video recording of the meetings.
I worked as a dental assistant for a while when I was young. Dental fear is a very real thing for a lot of people, and patients need to feel that you’re in control of the situation and yourself. Acting as this dentist and assistant did would only intensify anyone’s fear and concern.
I know...I know. And not just a filling or a cleaning, it had to be a root canal which would put anxiety into the hearts of most people!
I’ve wondered the same thing when I’ve seen court reporters still using the stenotype machine; but the fact is that it’s much more precise than an audio recording, which can often be garbled or otherwise unintelligible.
“but a lot is missing from the story. Maybe he had other defects and this was just the latest; maybe he became dismissive or combative with HR and things escalated.”
That’s a couple of maybes and assuming there were other negative events is just that, assumptions. Maybe the woman had issues not written about. Maybe it’s fake news. Who knows?
I do not agree with your assertion that most people would regard that as an order. When she refused, what did he do? He wasn’t the one who went to HR to complain about her according to the article, she did, to complain about him. When I have a problem with someone I take care of it myself. Going to HR was premature. I do agree that he was definitely crude though, and a face to face apology in front of the rest of the department would have been enough to put him in his place, imho. Getting someone fired doesn’t just hurt the jerk, it hurts his whole family, unless your assumptions are correct and there were other negative circumstances, then I would agree to firing him.
Why didn’t he just tell her “Look, you’re lucky I don’t make you get coffee for everyone too. Now just sit there, look pretty and take notes please.”
You cannot compliment a woman employee and say “you look really good today”. That’s called sexual harassment.
“...replaced by audio and video recording...”
Depends on the size and needs of the company. Many, as you mentioned, are going to video conferencing which creates a hard copy, but some still use scrubby pencil as the feel face to face brain haggling is better.
wy69
A lot of things that used to add a little bit of fun to the workplace have been taken away. I entered the working world at a time when a little inconsequential and light-hearted flirting wasn’t as forbidden as it is now. We didn’t think much of it at all, unless people crossed certain well-understood lines.
“He was correct...”
Today, 90% of administration professionals are women. However, did you know that not so long ago secretaries were exclusively men?
According to LinkedIn, the evolution of job titles is emblematic of this transformation, with the term “secretary” gradually falling out of favor of more prestigious titles, such as Executive Assistant or Personal Assistant. This shift reflects broader efforts to recognize the diverse skill sets and responsibilities inherent in these roles rather than the gender of the applicant. So women and men are training accordingly with the time.
And according the Forbes, as we navigate an era defined by rapid transformation, the increasing presence of women in leadership roles is proving essential for organizational success. According to Pew Research, female CEOs at Fortune 500 companies reached a record 10.6% in 2023, while women now comprise 29% of C-suite positions, a significant leap from 15% in 2017. So as the molds are coming out o the kilns, the women are training and getting more of the leadership rolls and not going after the executive assistant positions by preparation.
wy69
Similarly I learned the advantages of taking minutes and notes. The biggest, controlling the agenda of what would follow the meeting and who would do it. It provided visibility and accountability with many co- workers and managers were a couple of time zones away. The irony, most were happy they didn’t get tapped to do the notes.
One of my few good talents is to be able to condense meeting notes into an executive summary of a paragraph or two, you won’t get that from any recordings.
And the executive summary is all that is read by most, which effectively controls the agenda.
Thia outfit needs to immediately fire everyone in HR. Poisonous.
Was he a cad? Sure. But, he was let go by HR only because he was a guy.
Although she went to HR, best case to obtain guidance on how to best proceed and worst case to be a whiny snowflake, it’s unfair to blame her solely for his losing his job. That decision was not in her hands alone. His cumulative record of interactions, his responses to the investigation, possibly stupid or Hitlerian responses of the HR person, and possibly underlying racial dynamics all played a part.
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