Federal Judge Orders Sydney Sweeney To Gain 100 Pounds And Get One Of Those Butch Haircuts

Babylon Bee ^ | 7-29-25 | Babylon Bee

[dynachrome]

Da Bee!

[Billthedrill]

She got off light. The prosecutor was holding out for nose rings and a “No Regerts” tattoo.

[Dr. Franklin]

Gotta love The Bee!

[shelterguy]

“””federal judge ordered actress and new brand spokeswoman Sydney Sweeney to gain 100 pounds and get an ugly butch haircut.””””””””

and tattoos, lots of tattoos.

[ProtectOurFreedom]

LOL...but Judge Eileen Bauer blew it when she failed to order Sweeny to dye her hair purple, get sleeve tats shoulder to wrist and install a couple of silver nose boogers.

[newfreep]

"This type of brazen attractiveness cannot be allowed to stand," Bauer said in her ruling.

That's probably not too far from what leftists are saying these daze...

[waterhill]

My wife had gotten me a pair of their jeans. Very comfortable. They are now faded and my goto cutoffs. Very comfy.

[waterhill]

If only they did camo.

[Tell It Right]

Loved the closing slam at tattoos and piercings! The Bee is bust-a-gut funny!

At publishing time, Judge Bauer had issued an additional ruling that would further require Sweeney to get a septum piercing and a face tattoo.

[fwdude]

Well, why not?

I’m surprised an Obama judge doesn’t mandate that 20% of the collection plates of every church go to Planned Parenthood?

[Kid Shelleen]

In a paralle universe Lizzo was arrested for wearing Daily Dukes.
WARNING: Do not search for Lizzo daisy dukes; you will need eye bleach.

[PGR88]

We have standards for American models, doncha know!

[bigbob]

on the neck

[airborne]

Easy on the eyes!

https://images.app.goo.gl/4359axJCptvVVP1BA

[Tennessee Nana]

and stop wearing your Mom’s jeans...

[MayflowerMadam]

What? No demand for her to wear brown contact lenses?

[MikelTackNailer]

I wrote this earlier:

Ms. Sweeney doesn't sport piercings, tattoos and bizarre hair as an insecure scream for attention. Her God-given beauty without outrageous modifications irks the self-loathers further into madness so they lash out with even more obnoxiousness.

Thus pushing people even further away. It's not unlike the vicious circle where fat girls drown their depressions in ice cream while moaning about men not finding them attractive.

So yo, Bee - where my money?

[Kartographer]

Needs to be forced to take Testosterone injections until she grouses a ‘stach’!

[j.havenfarm]

A one neon-colored hair. Though she would be allowed to choose between lime green and pink

[TigersEye]

Should be a nation wide injunction for all white wimmins to get wit de hood look.

Racisms is gots to stop!