Not Space Balls?
This guy walks into a bar with his monkey. The guy sits down next to the bartender and has a few drinks. After a while he has to go the bathroom.
“Will you watch my monkey while I go the bathroom?” the guy asked the bartender.
“Sure.”, says the bartender.
As soon as the bartender hits the bathroom, the monkey jumps up, runs across the room to the pool tables and eats the cue-ball.
“What the hell?”, the bartender exclaimed.
When the guy came out of the bathroom, the bartender says.
“Guess what?...your damn monkey just ate my cue-ball.”
“Oh god.”, says the guy. “Here there’s $20 and after the monkey passes the cue-ball, I’ll sterilize it and bring it back to you, deal?”
The bartender agrees. A week later the guy comes back with his monkey and also returns the cue-ball. He is now on good terms with the bartender. Anyway, the guy has a few drinks and after awhile he needs to go the bathroom. He looks at the bartender and says, “Will you watch my monkey while I go the bathroom?”
“He isn’t going to eat the cue-ball is he?”, asked the bartender.
“No he’s over that.”, explained the guy.
Bartender agrees. As soon as the guy hits the bathroom, the monkey jumps up, runs across the room, and gets a peanut out of the peanut bowl. The monkey examines the peanut. Then the monkey puts the peanut up its rear end, pulls the peanut out, and finally eats the peanut.
“What innnnnnn the hellllllll”, the bartender exclaimed in a bewildered manner.
The guy comes out of the bathroom.
“Guess what?....your monkey just stuck a peanut up it’s butt, and then ate it afterwards.”, the bartender explained, still overcome by the act.
“Oh yeah...”, the guy acknowledges. “It’s just that ever since the cue-ball, he just wants to make sure everything fits.”
A boss who could be such a jerk
Kamala had one well known perk
When the going gets tough
And I know it sounds rough
She puts her head down, gets to work
The CIA was screening one female and two male candidates for a job that would require unflinching obedience and dedication to a cause.
As a test, the agents in charge asked the spouses of the candidates to take part in a test, where they would be bound and tied to a chair, and the candidate would be given a gun with blanks in it and instructions to shoot their loved one to show their dedication.
The first man was brought into the room, and when handed the gun, declined to shoot and was eliminated as a candidate.
The second man could not pull the trigger either, and was dismissed as well.
The woman was handed the weapon, and she disappeared into the room.
The screeners heard: “BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! CLICK-CLICK-CLICK-CLICK! THUD!
A wild ruckus sounded, and the agents, alarmed, burst into the room. The female candidate said: “Hey! That gun had blanks in it, so I had to break-up the chair and beat him to death with the leg!”
A man had two of the best tickets for the Masters. As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. “No”, he says, “the seat is empty.
“This is incredible!” said the man, “who in their right mind would have a seat like this, the biggest golfing event of the whole world, and not use it?”
He says, “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife always would come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Masters we haven’t been to together since we got married.”
“Oh... I’m sorry to hear that. That’s terrible. I guess you couldn’t find someone else? A friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?”
The man shakes his head.
“No. They’re all at the funeral.
Obama dies and goes to Hell.
When he gets down there, the Devil says “Look. Here’s the problem. After four years of your administration, there simply isn’t any room. But here’s the thing: No matter what, you aren’t leaving. But here is what I can do. You can choose someone else’s Hell, and take their place...and we will send that person to Heaven.”
Obama thinks for a second, and says “That doesn’t sound any good. What do I get out of it?”
The Devil says “You get a choice of Hell. Otherwise, we assign one to you.” The Devil flashed an evil, malicious grin and said “You really don’t want that, do you?”
Obama says “Right. I see your point. What do you have to offer?”
The Devil opens a door, and as they peer inside, they see a large pool of dark water with Ted Kennedy trying to grab a breath, gasping as his face breaks the surface. A Devil’s assistant with a pitchfork immediately jabs Kennedy in the face, driving him back under. Obama grimaces and says “Hm. Not for me.”
The Devil opens another door, and Richard Nixon is on a spit being roasted by klieg lights as he screams over and over “I am not a crook! I am not a crook!” Obama says “Ugh. Now THAT looks like Hell. Do you have anything else for me to look at?”
The Devil opens the next door, and Bill Clinton is lying on his back, naked, while Monica Lewinsky does what she does best. Obama says “Hey. I could handle this for all eternity! I’ll take this one!”
The Devil taps Monica on the shoulder and says “Monica...get packed...you’re leaving for Heaven!
CITY SLICKER: Hey! That pig only has three legs! What happened to it? Was it born that way?
FARMER: Well, no...I'm glad you asked. That pig is s special-un. He saved the life of me and my family. Our farm was on fire while we were all sleeping, and that there pig got loose, came into the house and raised such a ruckus, and wouldn't stop, that we all woke. We couldn't find our way out, and that there pig led us through the smoke and fire to safety. Yea, he is a special-un. So, we feel an obligation to treat him right special.
CITY SLICKER: That's amazing! What happened to his leg, did he injure it in the fire?
FARMER: Oh, no. A pig that special, you just don't eat all at once.
That is (unfortunately) a very funny joke.
Haven’t heard one using Mistletoe in a long time!
Do Gen X and Z know what mistletoe was traditionally used for during Xmas season?
While Robert Reich is campaigning for Kamala Harris in Nevada, he goes to see a doctor. He tells the doctor “I have a terrible pain in my testicles.”
Doctor grabs a pair of scissors and approaches Robert Reich. Reich says “Oh no you don’t, you’re not cutting off my testicles!”
Doctor says “No, I’m just going to cut the tops off those new cowboy boots you’ve got on.”
Okay, I’m done now...just wanted to put some gas in the tank to get your thread rolling...:)
Red Forman: “Yeah, well...if I had mistle-foot, it’d be in your ass.”
It was clean at least! :^) I love those kinds of ******* jokes!
Why did the jelly roll?
It saw the apple turn over.
This one was posted earlier today…
So I stopped at Barnes & Noble yesterday and asked an employee if they had Trump’s new book on how to deport illegal immigrants.
She immediately told me “get the **** out of here and don’t come back”.
I said “YES that’s the one!”
Bill Clinton used to sneak out of the White House at night to go jogging. One night he encountered a prostitute on a street corner. Of course he was interested so he asked her price. “Two hundred” she replied. “Too much, I will only pay twenty dollars” he said. She refused and he went on his way.
The next night the same thing happened. On the third night, Hillary insisted on going with him. Again, the prostitute was there but Bill knew there would be trouble if he acknowledged her, so he just kept jogging. As they passed, the prostitute called out to him...
“See? That’s what you get for twenty dollars!”
What’s the difference between Franklin Graham at prayer
and
Kamela Harris taking a bath?
Franklin has hope in his soul.
I can hear you breathing.
There was a king once who was 12 inches tall.
Terrible king, great ruler.
I thought that was pretty good.
I actually remember that one liner from the Space Age 1960s!
Still funny, but a little dusty after all these years.