Posted on 10/07/2024 2:00:30 PM PDT by nickcarraway
I’m not a 'kids person'. Is it odd saying that as a mother of a four-month-old? Babies are messy and loud, while children are volatile, stubborn, and often nonsensical — and yet, my husband and I had a kid of our own. On purpose. And of our own volition.
On some nights, I ask myself, WHY? Why did I choose what feels like an eternity of bouncing our baby to sleep on a yoga ball, when just a year ago, we were perfectly content with our unfettered, unscheduled existence as DINKs (Dual-Income-No-Kids)?
Here are just a few of the reasons I was so ambivalent about having children:
-I was not up for the body horror that is pregnancy and giving birth
-I’d have to sacrifice most of my 'me time', which is scarce enough as it is
-I don’t think I have the 'personality' or skill set to be a parent — just ask anyone who’s ever asked me to babysit (or to cook)
-Kids are expensive, especially when you and your husband both hold 'non-essential' jobs in creative fields Speaking of jobs, what would happen to my career?
-Raising a child into a mature adult and a contributing member of society feels like an impossible burden when you yourself are still working on being a mature adult and a contributing member of society
-Given the horrors of the 21st century, I wasn’t sure that having a child is even the right thing to do Someone once said that becoming a mom means living with your heart outside of your body, and I couldn't bear the thought of having children, only to lose them
-And finally, I didn’t think we needed to have a kid in order to live nurturing, unselfish lives. If anything, as a childfree woman, I’d have more time and energy to invest in the people and causes that matter to me
Honestly, if my husband had told me with 100 per cent certainty that he didn't want kids, I would've been onboard with permanent DINK-hood. I also told him that if we couldn't conceive naturally, that instead of trying fertility treatments, I'd like us to take it as a sign that we're not meant to be parents.
Perhaps what scared me more than having kids was having to be responsible for our decision either way. If we chose to have kids, and they turned out terribly, I'd feel at fault for defying my ambivalence about raising children.
But if we didn't choose to have kids, and we regretted it at the end of our lives, then I'd always find myself wondering "what if?"
Up until about a year and a half ago, I was about 80 per cent certain that I didn't want kids. Likewise, my husband told me he'd be happy with or without them, as long as we stayed happily married. At the risk of sounding flaky, I don’t have a good explanation for why I changed my mind about children.
It’s not as if one day, I decided that I have it in me to be a great parent after all, or that I no longer need money or me time, or that I should have a child because that's what people do after getting married.
All I know is that about 18 months into our marriage, a switch flipped and my mostly 'no-kids' stance became an 'on the fence' stance, which in turn became an 'okay, let’s try and see if it's meant to be' stance, which eventually became a 'man, I really want a baby' stance.
If you’re reading this, and you're childfree or part of a DINK couple, I am in no way implying that you will eventually change your mind about kids. I'll bet you're sick to death of hearing "it's just a phase" from your friends and elderly relatives.
But I'm here to assure you that if you do change your mind, and now you're in the throes of an identity crisis, or you feel like a sell-out, I'm with you. Maybe you're suddenly overcome with baby fever, maybe your circumstances have changed, or maybe you’ve met someone who made you feel like you could be a great parent.
Or maybe (like me), you're wondering if you'll regret not having children, and now you’re waiting for a more profound reason than that before taking the plunge.
For me, a tangibly justifiable reason never came. But that inkling of a desire to have kids never went away either. So I asked myself this: If I were somehow given a 100 per cent guarantee that my husband and I would be great parents, and that we'd be given a happy, healthy kid who did more good for the world than harm, would I say yes to being a mom? And would I regret sacrificing our DINK lifestyle?
On the other hand, if I were given a 100 per cent guarantee that my husband and I would have great careers, travel the world, do meaningful things with our money, and come to the end of our lives childfree but not lonely, would I say yes to us being DINKs forever? And would I regret not experiencing what my peers describe as the profound magic of bringing new life into the world?
After much thought, I found that my reasons for not having kids were rooted more in my fear of being a bad mom than in my desire for us to enjoy successful and meaningful lives as DINKs. By avoiding the prospect of having children, I wasn't pursuing joy. I was avoiding pain.
This is where I give credit to my husband. Whatever deficiencies I'd have as a parent, I wouldn't be bearing them alone. We'd be raising a family as a team. So when we found ourselves at the crossroads between DINK-hood and parenthood, instead of choosing the path that seemed least painful, we chose the one that could potentially bring us more joy.
What that path looks like for you might be different than what it looks like for us. But should you choose a different route than the one you originally embarked on, you've got company, and you don't need to justify changing your mind to anyone.
Right after I gave birth, I started bemoaning our long-gone freedom as DINKs by looking at our old photos while saying, "What have we done??". But as I've witnessed our newborn grow from a barely-aware little human into an infant who can babble, roll over, and signal for hugs and milk from Mama and Papa, the 'look what we made!' moments have started to outnumber the 'what have we done??' ones.
As it turns out, the gains don't need to surpass the losses in order for me to feel like having a baby was worth it. Sometimes just holding her in my arms is enough.
‘okay, let’s try and see if it’s meant to be’ stance a/k/a “the good part.”
She takes a few moments to cuddle with our 80 pound Rotten Shepherd, who’s lying down on the stairs. I took a couple of pictures that are priceless to me.
I don’t know why, but my granddaughter’s favorite activity is to go up and down the stairs.
WOW!!!! A LEFTY THAT APOLOGIZED!!! I AM IMPRESSED! not kidding!
Does not matter if you give birth, adopt or find yourself responsible for them in some other way your life shifts from us and now to a whole future spread out generation upon generation. World without end, Amen.
There are some people that are so badly damaged from their parents they deliberately refrain from having children. They actually want and delight in children but fear keeps them from taking the risk.
There are others who's lives are full for other reasons, perhaps they are caring for someone else who is not their child but they have no idea how they would find time to care for a baby as well.
But most people if they are hopeful and optimistic want children even if they never have them.
I was very afraid I’d be a lousy parent and regret it. But what I did not know before having children was how great it is to fall head over heels in love with that child. And you can do that several times a day. In between fatigue and messes and doubt, the little miracle smiles at you and you turn a new page. Life can be hard no matter what you choose. But if you choose to be a parent you never doubt that your faithfulness and effort has meaning. And there is always the possibility of being simply delighted one more time. My husband and I would definitely wish this for any couple.
try to spend a few days with them each year.
Or more often. Blessed.
off my soapbox.
Many will silently agree with you.
don’t know why, but my granddaughter’s favorite activity is to go up and down the stairs.
To create your wonderment. Blessed. (No, i have no grandchildren. Only one daughter, excellent surgeon, brilliant, but divorced and little interested in family, to my eyes.)
My daughter is ten now and I would give THE WORLD to sit at in my rocking chair at 2am with her.
Kids do not have any “pain in the ass” stage. Crying, unreasonable or what not.
They’ll miss that.
Wife and I married late - 28 n 30yo. Neither of us was playing the field, we just hadn’t found the right person.
My parentage ‘moment’ came when our son went to school bec that is when & where parents lose their identity.
You are now Little Jimmy’s mon and dad. NOTE: the lower case mon and dad. I’m was no longer Steve - I’ve been transformed into Jim’s dad.
We had no problem with that - it was just a moment of parental clarity
A couple of months ago when I was going to my cardiologist at university hospital I saw very pregnant woman standing in line and her five other kids getting ready to sit in the lounge area. The oldest had the younger kids gathered around him instructing them on how to act while their mother was occupied. Really well-behaved kids.
Later when I passed her gong one way and she and her kids going the other way I said, without consciously meaning to, “Thanks for having kids.” It gave her a huge smile. I didn’t really mean to say it, I was just thinking it, and it just came out. I was barely able to walk that day and in a lot of pain, so I didn’t stop to talk to her. I really do feel gratitude to women who choose to have kids these days. It’s so easy not to, which is why we live an an idiocracy.
Glad to see someone honest enough to admit her reasons for not having a child were totally narcissistic and selfish.
:)
Thank you, for your kind reply.
And why do all these “emoting” articles all read the same? First of all, who cares? Just live your life and enjoy your child(ren) and stop with the emoting!
One would think...
After each relished moment with the grand-kids I love reminding my daughter that if I had know how much fun grand-kids would be, I would have had them first.
Nothing like the worry free, spoil them to the high heavens time with them. What is it you want?...Pop-pop will get it for you!
They were very well behaved (the toddler had a tendency to toddle off). I complemented the mother and father and thanked them for having such a well behaved family. The non-toddler children were reading books or helping with the youngest two.
It wasn’t that long ago when “mother” was a respected honorific.
Damn shame for who? It’s not your call.
No, they just don’t want to repeat the same unmitigated repetitive failures that most of their parents had.
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