Posted on 07/20/2023 10:00:16 AM PDT by george76
WORLD — The nations of Earth have descended into a mass panic this week after Mad Money host Jim Cramer announced that giant mutant bugs will definitely not attack the Earth next Tuesday at 2:17 pm.
"I'm absolutely, 100% sure about this," proclaimed Cramer confidently as his TV crew fled the studio in terror. "There is absolutely NO CHANCE a race of man-eating mutant insects controlled by a hive-mind from the planet Arachtoid VI will enter Earth's atmosphere at noon next Tuesday and begin destroying all major cities at 2:17. I know what I'm talking about, folks! Also, hold onto your General Motors stock, because it's going up, up, up! If you don't own shares of General Motors, BUY NOW! WOOOO HOO!"
Federal authorities are telling citizens to remain in their homes and maybe dig fallout shelters real quick under their basements. "Based on our intelligence, which has monitored Cramer's show for years, we can reasonably assume that the exact opposite of what he just predicted will happen next week," said Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin. "This is the end. God help us all."
At publishing time, General Motors' stock had crashed.
The Dow appears to be down on the news.
Jim Cramer, always the highly accurate reporter of future happenings that will not occur. Dayum, he’s good.
.
Omg Hilarious
How does Idiot Cramer have a show?
How?
.
It’s like Nancy Grace and Geraldo - they got every major case wrong - but they’re on TV for decades
Cramer...about as relevant has the Seinfeld Cramer.
>> How does Idiot Cramer have a show?
Yet one more manifestation of the epidemic of mental illness gripping the culture at the moment.
If Jim Cramer says it. I just bought out all the bug killer at Lowes. Better to be prepared.
I hate that guy
I, for one, welcome our new insect overlords.
Cocaine is a helluva drug.
This is why they want us to eat bugs.
But if I or any of you are eaten by giant bugs on Tuesday, it was nice freepin with you.
Mass Panic As Jim Cramer Predicts Giant Bug Mutants Will Not Attack Earth Next Tuesday At 2:17 PM
Babylon Bee ^ | Jul 19, 2023 | Babylon Bee
Posted on 7/20/2023, 10:00:16 AM by george76
WORLD — The nations of Earth have descended into a mass panic this week after Mad Money host Jim Cramer announced that giant mutant bugs will definitely not attack the Earth next Tuesday at 2:17 pm.
“I’m absolutely, 100% sure about this,” proclaimed Cramer confidently as his TV crew fled the studio in terror. “There is absolutely NO CHANCE a race of man-eating mutant insects controlled by a hive-mind from the planet Arachtoid VI will enter Earth’s atmosphere at noon next Tuesday and begin destroying all major cities at 2:17. I know what I’m talking about, folks! Also, hold onto your General Motors stock, because it’s going up, up, up! If you don’t own shares of General Motors, BUY NOW! WOOOO HOO!”
Federal authorities are telling citizens to remain in their homes and maybe dig fallout shelters real quick under their basements. “Based on our intelligence, which has monitored Cramer’s show for years, we can reasonably assume that the exact opposite of what he just predicted will happen next week,” said Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin. “This is the end. God help us all.”
At publishing time, General Motors’ stock had crashed.
Well I guess that means certain doom for us all because this guy is never right.
BUY BEAR STEARNS!!!
Well, he’s right of course; it’ll be the Chitauri, at 2:18 pm.
These guys are genius.
“I, for one, welcome our new insect overlords,”
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