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Ohio-Area Turtles Develop Sudden Interest In Pizza, Martial Arts
The Babylon Bee ^ | February 24, 2023 | The Babylon Bee

Posted on 02/27/2023 5:48:14 AM PST by Tolerance Sucks Rocks

EAST PALESTINE, OH — In a bizarre development, turtles around Ohio have reportedly been spotted hanging around pizza parlors and practicing a wide variety of martial arts.

"I'm telling you, the turtle could talk," said local woman Alisha Hill, who claimed to have seen a turtle emerge from the sewer. "He asked me which way to the pizza parlor, then ran away doing random front-flips. I know what I saw!"

"I'm pretty sure he even shouted, 'Cowabunga!'"

Though the mysterious turtle sightings were initially dismissed as a hoax, dozens of eyewitnesses have come forward with similar stories. "Our pizza joint was packed when one of these turtles came riding in on a skateboard and ordered four large pepperoni pies," said Jon Remy, owner of Paisano's Pizza. "Frankly, he was pretty juvenile. The last thing our town needs right now is a wave of monster turtles acting like little punks."

While many locals have described the turtles as a "frightening menace", local reporter April O'Neil has adamantly defended them. "They're young, ok? And they're only trying to help the city," explained Ms. O'Neil. "I have exclusive footage from last week showing these turtles helping ward off a group of dangerous lizard people trying to invade from D.C. They're heroes in a half-shell, so to speak."

At publishing time, reports had also surfaced that local rats were also taking a liking to martial arts, particularly "ninjutsu".

(Excerpt) Read more at babylonbee.com ...


TOPICS: Conspiracy; Humor; Pets/Animals; Society
KEYWORDS: eastpalestine; ohio; satire; turtles

1 posted on 02/27/2023 5:48:14 AM PST by Tolerance Sucks Rocks
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To: Tolerance Sucks Rocks

And Italian Renaissance artists?....................


2 posted on 02/27/2023 5:51:11 AM PST by Red Badger (Homeless veterans camp in the streets while illegal aliens are put up in hotels.....................)
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To: Tolerance Sucks Rocks

Cowabunga dude!


3 posted on 02/27/2023 5:51:30 AM PST by wastedyears (The left would kill every single one of us and our families if they knew they could get away with it)
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To: Tolerance Sucks Rocks

Ah... Memories of my youth.


4 posted on 02/27/2023 5:52:48 AM PST by EvilCapitalist (81 million votes my ass.)
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To: Tolerance Sucks Rocks

Super appropriate. Well done!


5 posted on 02/27/2023 5:53:49 AM PST by FamiliarFace (I got my own way of livin' But everything gets done With a southern accent Where I come from. TP)
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To: Tolerance Sucks Rocks

Radical!


6 posted on 02/27/2023 5:59:39 AM PST by Zathras
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To: wastedyears

Tripendicular!.................


7 posted on 02/27/2023 6:01:07 AM PST by Red Badger (Homeless veterans camp in the streets while illegal aliens are put up in hotels.....................)
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To: Tolerance Sucks Rocks

i love these guys, i needed a laugh today


8 posted on 02/27/2023 6:13:02 AM PST by wafflehouse ("there was a third possibility that we hadn't even counted upon" -Alice's Restaurant Massacree)
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To: Tolerance Sucks Rocks

The turtles are going after the lizards that have invaded Washington DC. Groovy man.


9 posted on 02/27/2023 6:21:23 AM PST by George J. Jetso
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To: Tolerance Sucks Rocks

so not only NYC ,LOL


10 posted on 02/27/2023 6:56:57 AM PST by butlerweave
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To: Tolerance Sucks Rocks

But it’s only limited to turtles aged 13-19 years


11 posted on 02/27/2023 7:04:24 AM PST by ShadowAce (Linux - The Ultimate Windows Service Pack )
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