Posted on 02/11/2023 2:05:58 AM PST by where's_the_Outrage?
A 20-year-old young woman who dropped out of college decided to return to school after a year of working in her boyfriend’s family’s restaurant business. For the sake of her story, we’ll call her Jane.
Jane’s parents had set aside 30,000 dollars in a college tuition account for her. But instead, her parents used the money to remodel their kitchen after Jane moved in with her boyfriend, despite her parent’s advice not to.
When Jane realized what her parents had done, she was shocked and angry. She asked for access to her college tuition account. Still, her parents refused, citing their previous conversation where they explicitly stated that they would use the money for something else if she dropped out of college.
Jane’s parents advised her to attend a cheaper college or work part-time while attending school to help pay for her tuition. Additionally, her mother has offered to help her financially.
Still, the father is hesitant as they are approaching retirement age and a little behind on their retirement goals. The father has also offered to let Jane stay at their house for free so she can focus on paying for college.
However, Jane has been ignoring her mother’s phone calls, and the father is now questioning if he is the jerk in the situation. Here is how the internet responded to his concern.
It’s a Costly Lesson
“This situation is harsh on your daughter, but you’re not the jerk,” one explained. “She decided to drop out, and with that came you telling her that you’d use the remaining college fund money for something else.
I also presume that at the time of her dropping out, she presented her decision as permanent since she said that college wasn’t for her, meaning that you don’t know how long Jane would’ve taken to return to college if she had gone back at all.
‘But I thought you were bluffing’ is an inadequate response. You don’t get to use that line when making a life-changing decision and are given conditions by the people financing you. She just learned a costly lesson.” Another agreed, “That was a gift, and she didn’t use it, and her way of responding to the situation shows how ungrateful she is.”
You’re the Jerk
“You spent all 30k on a kitchen remodel? That’s not a retirement goal; she only took a year off. Have you spent all of it already? You’re the jerk for not having the foresight or consideration that she might regret the boyfriend thing and spending the money that quickly.
Many kids make mistakes during college, mainly because it was just a year off. You didn’t need to jump to use that money. I get she made a choice and the mistake over a boy, but you could have been a safety net for her.
Parents are supposed to account for the fact that kids make stupid mistakes and choices. But instead, you took it as an opportunity to make sure she couldn’t bounce back quickly over something cosmetic and superficial, and you did it quickly. Which is gross.”
Not Compassionate
“You’re the jerk. You saved for your daughter’s education for 18 years, yet you didn’t hesitate to put the money to other uses the moment she diverted from a traditional education path. If you genuinely meant the money for her education, you could have held it for her in case she returned to school.
I don’t hand out personal information. You can take my word for it or not.
Sorry, I don’t.
Now provide me your SSN via FM and I’ll tell you where to buy good houses in good neighborhoods for under $30k.
Hint: pros don’t ask Zillow.
We don't know their circumstances, though, do we? Maybe they now need room for a wheelchair. Maybe the floor collapsed under the dishwasher from a hidden leak underneath (that happened to me, and insurance didn't cover it all, but they raised my rate anyway). Maybe their three major appliances came with the house 25 years ago when they got married and all need replacing; and while they're all pulled out from the wall, the worn floor covering and creaky floorboards should be fixed. With only $30K to spend and total remodels costing what they do, they won't be able to go first class.
MIL / DIL is often an inherently difficult pairing. As long as there is no deep pathology like one party having a clinical personality issue requiring meds, or an addiction, etc—sometimes it can get better.
I hope one or both can get some kind of counseling that will break the logjam, for the sake of the grandkids. It's why I suggest classes, "life coaching" or communications techniques, rather than anything mental like going to a therapist for an overhaul. Just some skills-based methods to solve a problem. It can help.
End of butting in. I'm sure you do have it in prayer. Bless you.
You are correct. We don’t know. First world problems.
You seem defensive now.
It is a mouthful. Could be prefaced with Warning: 100+ word sentence to follow!
The Mrs. wants to retire in a few years and wants the kitchen done prior to that. 60k in 1998 must be top of the line :)
Frank Lloyd Wright was a master of that and I've visited Falling Water a few times looking for design ideas (steal from the best!)
Loved it. Sounds like you know what you're doing!
They DID NOT take her LOAN money they put the money aside for her college they had every right to spend it!! She should take out a loan and work to pay it off OR her live in boyfriend could help her!!!
Another example of the very famous truism.
WHY DO YOU HATE ME, I NEVER TRIED TO HELP YOU.
So funny. This girl is using emotional blackmail & you are cheering her on.
Once you give in to blackmail you are lost forever.
If she’s the kind that would hold her parents hostage when she was warned & went ahead then in future she would either use any kids as leverage or with hold access to them at a whim.
Better off knowing now and giving her a salutary shock that might wise her up. She isn’t owed college $ or endless opportunities. She made a choice now she lives with it.
“tell the parents to go enjoy their new kitchen and NOT their grandchildren....”
Doubtful that the parents would NOT “enjoy” their grandchildren. They raised a spoiled brat, so it’s probable she also would raise spoiled brats. Nobody enjoys brats.
Your husband’ parents did nothing for their kids as far as college, buying cars, etc.? Mine didn’t. He gave them money he made? So did I while living at home? No resentment here. Why does he have such a sense of entitlement?
If/when you decide to sell, my advice is to leave it as is, but spiff it up the very best you can. There’s a huge chance prospective buyers will rip out some of what you do.
We’re house shopping now and some are newly remodeled within the last year. We’d be ripping out garish new granite counter tops, brand new carpet, etc.
“I’m thinking the 30k was like a dowry so the Dad was wrong.”
So every college fund parents set up is a dowry? A dowry 100% relates to MARRIAGE, not “shack up”, or school.
OMG - my parents never bought me a car. I'm supposed to feel deprived and be mad at them?
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