Posted on 12/29/2022 7:41:34 PM PST by Vigilanteman
Sorry for the shameless vanity but some of you may be able to offer advice for my situation. God designed women to last longer than men, I think, because they are better at carrying on with life after loss of a spouse.
My loving wife of 38 years left me almost two months ago and I still have trouble going out by myself for more than short errands. She was a wonderful, sweet and very traditional lady. She was also a solid conservative who once told me she would never, ever vote for a Democrat even if they were better qualified. When I asked her why, she said because you tend to become like the type of people you choose to associate with . . . logic that even I could not argue with.
We served on our local election board together for nine years, raised three daughters (two of whom insisted Dad come and stay with them and their families immediately after the funeral), enjoyed many ups and downs in our marriage and both grew as a result.
She was full of affection and had a big heart. Everyone loved her because she reached out to so many people. She was kind even to those who didn't deserve it.
Most of the friends that I have is because of her. I'm introverted and shy by nature. She was even the one who led me to get married while I spent months dithering on whether or not I should move our relationship to the next level. For a solid two weeks after she died, I woke up numb and could do little but throw myself into my work as a way to ease the pain.
It is only because of my daughters, one of whom dropped her responsibilities of job and family to fly out to be with me, that I did not become a total basket case.
I have now accepted that she is with the Lord and there is a purpose for me to remain and tarry on this earth. While I am looking for that purpose, I am also counting the many blessings she brought to me. I know I need to be outgoing again and meet more people if, for nothing else, as a way to honor her legacy. But as I said, I am basically a shy guy by nature.
Your advice and wisdom would be appreciated.
As a member of the DBHS Class of ‘60, I generally attend the monthly First Friday lunches. Most present of the 15 or so are women, many of whom are widows. Most live alone and are very lonely. First Friday is an opportunity to go somewhere and to talk with someone.
I do not suggest a romantic involvement but to recognize that there are a lot of lonely old women out there who might enjoy some companionship. The old women frequently ask for help with some problem with something that doesn’t work. I try to help if I can. They after all, are friends. Sadly, they are also targets of unscrupulous young men that make exhorbiant charges for solving very small problems.
My wife and I attend First Friday also. We have been married for nearly 59 years and are both in good health. We enjoy the lunches and the conversation.
So, find a place where old ladies gather and go visit and make or maybe remake friends.
It’s very difficult and there’s no quick fix. Holidays are the hardest. Just grieve at your own pace-everyone grieves differently. Keeping busy and socializing is therapeutic even if you’re not in the mood.
Look for a local church that is offering this program-it’s excellent.
Most communities have support groups.
God bless you. Sounds like you’re surrounded by a loving family.
“I think I would join a tour group and travel with other people.”
What about me? 😉
We’ll join together, Sis !
Yeah, Baby!
God.
You live for God. That’s your purpose.
Time doesn’t heal wounds, Love does, and since people are slow to love others without getting something, it takes a long time to love enough for healing.
Love your family and neighbor and God.
The hole is ok, it means you loved her. The hole will heal around the edges like the holes in Christ’s risen hands.
Get busy loving neighbors God crosses your path with. Little wsys, deliver food, pick up for doctor’s appointments, fix a sink, figure their bills.
My wife passed September 2019, so I can understand what you’re going through. Lean on any friends, family, and yes, even pets, to get through the tough times.
I lost my spouse 5 years ago. I was the caregiver for several years prior. I just felt like I lost my purpose.
My advise is you should grieve as only you know how. Some days I was pretty good. Others I couldn’t open the closet because I knew the clothes were there. Also had a favorite candy. I told myself I would eat one every Sunday until they were gone then I would make a mental break from that.
Only you know when it’s time to go through ‘her’ things. I would suggest you do it. Not a child. It will be easier for a child to do it, but I think deciding what to keep and what you can part with is a big part of the healing process.
I was lucky in one way. We had acquired a new puppy (sort of against my wishes) about six months prior. That little guy was such a comfort and I knew he had to go out and walk 4-5 times a day, so that forced me to do that.
Without trying something magical happened. Less than a year later I met someone and we’re a couple. Neither of us were looking but the Lord knew what we both needed. It didn’t hurt that we’re both pretty well preserved for our age (grin).
The pain does ease in time. I lost my husband 12 years ago and still think of him every day. He was retired U.S. Air Force, and a well-traveled and intelligent man. I often wish we could once again share opinions on current events.
The other freepers are correct, it helps to have a pet to love, and for companionship. Spend time with your kids and find activities you enjoy to keep you busy.
Sending prayers for comfort. There is no set time or instruction manual on grief, and we each do this our own way.
I follow a guy named “Camping with Steve” on YouTube. He does stealth camping and other adventures.
His wife died suddenly and without a known cause about four months ago.
After a couple months he’s getting back in the saddle along with a good friend known only as “Crazy Neighbor.”
As viewers, we are able to watch him through the lens of his camera as he deals with obvious grief and also how to make normal.
Sounds sorta like you did in building a camp.
Bkmk/camping with steve
There was a time in my life when I had several friends who had gone through divorce - some in "good" marriages, some in "bad" marriages. They all said the same thing, "Getting divorced feels like losing a spouse to death, and grieving the loss of that spouse takes about half as long as the length of the marriage," ie: 5 years of grieving for a 10 year marriage. You have suffered the actual loss of your dear wife, you need to give yourself far more time than two months for the grieving process to be completed. I would wager that for you, the grieving process has barely begun.
When a man and a woman marry something profound happens, "The two become one." I don't think we(humans) can fully understand that, but I do believe we are able to sense it in a very real way. It seems to be especially true for those who are in a solid marriage which your words lead me to believe you had. You have lost half of yourself, and I would guess that you would say the best half of yourself. After 38 years, it is going to take some time to heal. Don't be surprised if, two, three, four years from now or even longer, you find yourself crying(maybe even weeping) for no apparent reason. Also, don't be embarrassed by it if it happens. After all, it is not uncommon in our culture to think that a crying/weeping man is not a man at all. Just know that it is going to take time(lots and lots of time) to process your loss.
If you haven't yet, spend time talking with your daughters about the loss of their mother. They are probably hurting as much as you are, and there can be benefit in talking about a shared grief.
As a fellow introvert, I would recommend not spending long periods of time alone.
Words really are inadequate at times like this. May God bless and comfort you during this dark time in your life.
I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s been 4 years now since I lost my wife of 38 years.
You’ve got to give yourself time to recover from the tragedy. The pain will never fully go away, but over time it will lessen. I have a picture of my wife in my bedroom. Every time I pass by it I tell her I love her and miss her.
If you have family and friends, don’t hesitate to confide your feelings to them. All were very supportive to me, although I did have one somewhat emotionally-stunted friend who tried his best to comfort me - he said “You’ll get over it!” Ah well, he tried.
You don’t get over it, you learn to cope with it. Hope this helps.
I can’t even fathom your loss. I am so sorry.
The pain will remain, but perhaps throwing yourself into community activities and/or adopting a pet could help you not focus all the time on your sorrow.
May God ease your sorrow.
Pain at its loss is the price we pay for earthly love. The pain you are feeling is a testament to how deep your love and interdependence ran. It is a good fortune to love so deeply. Those who have done so also run the risk of dying second; howevr long it takes, eventually concluding it was worth the pain.
A century ago, before the world wars, middle and upper class people observed strict etiquette about dying. People expected the bereaved widow or widower to be in mourning for six months to a year, during which time others treated them with greater care. Social events such as weddings or parties were postponed so that the mourner would not be expected to rejoice while they were suffering so a great loss. Women wore black and men wore black armbands so that others would know not to mess with them.
No one scolded them to “get on with your life” as people callously do today. Rushing into another relationship was frowned upon, as were the onrushers who tried to take advantage of the lonely widow or widower’s vulnerable feelings. People had the time to grieve and put their thoughts in order. Less so than today.
Treat yourself with care. Take the time you need to grieve so great a companionship. Do not expect to “get over it”; the best you can do is to get through it. Call on the Lord to help you every step of the way. No one but Him knows all your thoughts, lost joys and present sorrows. He will carry you through.
Sir, that was a most moving post and I’m very sorry for your loss. I have no advice, only that God visibly shows His love to you. God bless.
I am so sorry, Vigilanteman. I don’t have any advice except to tell you that, believe it or not, it will get easier. I know that’s trite.
But I can offer my sincere condolences and prayers sent Heavenward for your comfort, strength and healing.
I follow Steve too....heartbreaking lost for him.
She is in a much better place now and my friend can rest knowing that he did all he could to ease her life this past year.
January 1, 2023 will be the second anniversary of the death of my wife after a 12 year struggle with Picks’ dementia. We were married 47 years. I will spend the day remembering my quiet, compassionate Christian wife. I came to understand the “ In sickness and health till death do us part” portion of the wedding vows. I miss her every day but I know that since she was a Christian that she is in a much better place and that I have the opportunity to see her again. I will pray for you that the Holy Spirit will comfort you in the time of your grief.
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