Posted on 12/04/2022 3:13:08 AM PST by sodpoodle
ood afternoon my friends. With all due “respect,” I’ld like to share with you a few of RODNEY DANGERFIELD’s funniest lines. Enjoy. Cappy 😎🤪😎😹😎
With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.
I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'
**My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
The other day I came home early and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'
My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.
I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.
My wife is such a bad cook. In my house we pray after the meal.
My wife likes to talk to me during sex; last night she called me from a hotel.
My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.
It's been a rough day. I got up this morning and put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.
I was such an ugly baby that my mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
I'm so ugly my father carried around a picture of the kid that came with his wallet.
I'm so ugly my mother had morning sickness AFTER I was born
I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, & asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday
I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said: "Nothing, your eyesight is perfect."
One year they wanted to make me a poster boy -- for birth control.
My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.
Jerry Seinfeld told a story about he and a few other comics were watching in the wings during a Kinison show and how they realized they’d probably never laugh so hard again. In real-time they realized they’d seen the limit.
As they a wheeled Rodney in for surgery he told his friends “if things go good I’ll be out in a couple of days if things don’t go good I’ll be out in a couple of hours.”
It was his last joke. Things didn’t so go well.
“My wife wanted to have sex in the backseat of our car. And for me to drive.”
We were so fortunate to have lived during the Golden years of America.
Those are great!
I don’t get no respect: When I was thirteen, I was kidnapped by terrorists and held for ransom. My parents paid them to keep me. Three days later, the terrorists paid my parents to take me back.
He was awesome.
I remember that.
He did his schtick to the very end. On the operating table I bet he had his surgeon laughing so hard he had to tell the anesthesiologist to put him out.
RIP.
“When I was a kid I got no respect. When my parents got divorced there was a custody fight over me... and no one showed up.”
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