Posted on 02/20/2022 6:52:47 AM PST by LibWhacker
He’s a lost cause.
Change the locks and tell him to never set foot on your property again. Doesn’t matter that you don’t have HIPAA, a phone call to his doctor to report what’s happening is free.
Do you have any worries he’s harming his father or taking advantage of him or his money? Report that to Adult Abuse Services.
What is he doing that he’s so well known to the cops that they’re always frisking him and up in his business?
I couldn’t help but notice that you are not deserving of an answer.
lol. So says the guy who thinks a lazy dopehead is intelligent
Boundaries.
...for you
Not him.
To be more clear;
You cannot change him. All your efforts will result in failure. If he wants to change, he will.
Your best move us to create boundaries for you and your home.
This is expressed with the pronouns “I”, “my” and “we”.
For example...
I will not be talked to like this.
I will not accept this behavior upon me.
My house is not open for roommates, nor as a crash pad, or recovery center.
My money is my own and I will manage it solely to the benefit of my spouse and I.
We don’t permit this in our home.
I can’t understand clearly when being lectured or yelled at...then hang up, close the door, tell him to leave, or you leave room (do not leave your home though).the
Boundaries like this are not expressed with “you”
For example
You should do this
You need to do that
...this never works, because people automatically create their own boundaries for themselves and will not allow others to create them.
Personal boundaries
*keep us safe from predatory and abusive behavior
*keep us safe from physical harm, even financial harm
*keep us focused on self-preservation
*keep manipulators and other personality types from damaging our homes, relationships, careers and mental stability.
This is the best course of action
You cannot rescue him from himself (he sounds borderline personality disorder)
You CAN care ABOUT him
You should not take care OF him
...that’s another boundary right there.
He will eventually realize that he’s on his own and leave when he is increasingly blocked by your boundaries.
Harsh truths...
If they don’t care about their money, they don’t care about yours.
If the don’t care about their safety, they don’t care about yours.
If they don’t care about being homeless they don’t care about your home.
...these are beginning examples of how to perceive his actions and where you might begin establishing your own boundaries.
WARNING: ANY hint of violent tendencies, requires you to be very careful for your safety. Borderlines can slip to sociopaths and violence quickly when they’ve been cut off from the victims they prey upon.
This is truth, in love.
Hope this is blessed counsel.
...that is all
Thanks for posting these 3 excellent realities re these issues:
I think the issue with institutions is that they are very difficult to manage and the costs are very high.
A high percent of those who used to be hospitalized are fine in group homes.
But there is a group that falls in the cracks between them and criminally insane. Those are the ones causing big safety issues.
Then don’t ask the general public.
You’ve got plenty of enabling going on over there already.
This is the strongest advice possible.
He needs to be tested for Lyme disease. Seriously. Look into neuroborreliosis. He needs to see a Lyme literate medical doctor (LLMD). The LLMD will order a test from Igenex.com . The regular Lyme tests from regular doctors are shit and mean nothing. Regular doctors don’t know anything meaningful about Lyme. Lyme exists in every state. Regardless of what the CDC or any other non-LLMD tells you.
If he won’t take his psychiatric medications, it’s probably because they don’t work. Neuroborreliosis is caused by a bacteria the gets in the brain and makes people super wacky, and prone to substance abuse. Psychiatric drugs wont kill a bacteria in the brain. With proper treatment these sick people become rational and sober. Seriously, rule out Lyme, before going elsewhere. It is a silent epidemic, one the CDC and NIH are covering up.
I’ll be praying for your family.
There are lots of countries. Many of them are not first world, and would probably be better choices. Start with central and South America.
You want places that have slower living, low intensity, few recreations. Lots of boredom. It takes effort to find what is right for him.
If nothing else, he should be able to make a little money by teaching vernacular spoken English.
My son is bipolar. He hates meds and has gotten off of them. He works out every day and eats very healthy.
He works at Whole Foods. He has a degree in economics, but I think working around people helps his moods. He says he would not have done well with working from home.
He still struggles, but less than he has in the past.
May many blessings got to you and your son.
*my
Ive worked with extreme behaviorals for nearly 20 years and worked my way well into the management level. I need to qualify this as there are a large number of people that claim to have worked with behaviorals who have done nothing of the sort. Im not talking about a kid with downs that has a tantrum once in a while, or someone who “self harms” by picking at a scab, nor that relative that needs someone to drop by once in a while to make sure they are taking their meds. These are people that may stab a sharp object through themselves or engage in other life threatening behaviors and will on a frequent basis fashion ersatz weapons to attack staff with intent to do serious harm when possible. Their homes, when necessary, are converted into personal asylums with 1800lb magnetic locks on doors, bolted down special furniture, most fixtures removed/replaced (appliances, toilets, cabinetry, etc), 1/2” or more plexi bolted over window openings, self seclusion (”rubber rooms”) or staff seclusion (safety vault a staff locks themselves into) rooms. I have no data to support this but Im willing to state that Ive been the target of more stabbing, bludgeoning, and slashing attempts than big city police officers as on a bad day these may things may happen multiple times in a single shift. The last organization I worked with specialized as the “last chance” placement for the people with these more severe problems.
Its important to understand that any advice you get over the internet on this subject is at best crap. A real psychiatrist cant comment and the counsellors that may are often just as bad off as the one seeking treatment. Another reason is that what is possible will vary by state so what may be possible here isnt necessarily going to have any real bearing on how things work there. If this person had come to the attention of the system as a minor and better help had been available years ago then we wouldnt be having this conversation, as an adult its generally difficult to have someone judged as incompetent.
Which brings me to an important point that needs to be made. The most difficult people to work regardless of their diagnosis are those that have someone in authority over them that have their own mental health problems. Overly permissive/delusional/disturbed family member guardians are the worst but, retread hippy professional guardians and funder case management, and the mental health issues of those working in your Health and Family Services Department will often scuttle any possibility of a positive outcome also. I wont even get into the issues of organizations with unsuitable placement and the poor excuse for staff that plagues them if you do get him placed. The point is that you need to realize that you and your wife arent in a position to have any positive effect. Even if BIL is in a sound place and can find a path for assistance there is no guarantee of the type of positive outcome for which you seem to wish.
Its unlikely there is anything you can do other than to make sure that you are separated from the problem and you/yours are secure. Nothing positive has any real chance of happening until this person comes to the attention of the system. Even then its quite likely that nothing will happen, especially in places like California, unless the event is quite serious. Even if BIL is in the right place and has the help of an attorney then that may still not work and there are some good reasons that it isnt as easy as it once was. (For example, locally but decades ago, we had a crooked judge/sheriff/auctioneer/cattle thief team that went around institutionalizing old bachelor farmers for fun and profit.)
If this persons diagnosis isnt such that they are too far to reach then its possible that the person/persons that they trust make be able to “talk to them”. Dont do a television style “intervention”. This is almost guaranteed to cause them to become defensive and oppositional. Dont have anyone unnecessary there for any reason. Set up a situation in a private place at a date, time, and place where the person is likely to already be in a relaxed state and look for opportunity to let the conversation unfold naturally. Generally speaking, telling this person anything is going to fail. When the opportunity presents itself attempt to use something similar to the Socratic Method by asking nonthreatening questions in an attempt to guide the person into deciding for themselves what the next best step is for seeking better help. No one present should become emotional or raise their voice. As others have stated, as long as this person maintains their own guardianship this isnt likely to help long term as they will again “just sign themselves out” or go off their meds (”I dont need them because Im not crazy anymore”) but sometimes after several occurrences of this even they can see that they need a change.
Part of the problem here is actually your own mindset. You think you are trying to help your nephew but what you are actually doing, maybe without knowing it, is declaring war against a whole system. There was already a problem where judges did not want to be known for locking up those with mental health problems so the only thing that would happen when someone like this would go to court for something was that the officers would be berated for wasting the courts time. The Counsellors not Cops mentality leaking out of California has actually exacerbated the situation which is a whole conversation in and of itself and only leads to wise officers and staff leaving their field for other work.
Your continued involvement depending on his behaviors is at best going to bring your address to the attention of the town board as a nuisance home. You personally are not in a position to help directly. If BIL is sound and not just enabling then he may be able to find help with the assistance of an attorney. Its likely that someone is going to suggest NAMI or a similar organization but if he is as far away from reality as you suggest then these people will only teach him to better manipulate the system for a longer period until his situation is more dire. Stay out of those conversations, Ive personally seen the results of this interaction with those type of self/peer guided help organizations too many times. As cruel as it may sound you are probably just going to have to just wait for the explosion and hope things work out in his best interest because that is the way the liberals have rigged the system.
In addition to church/prayer as recommended, I would recommend you and your wife start attending Al-Anon or Narc-anon meetings and reading their literature. You apparently love your nephew. He is sick, and has a disease related to his drug use. Unless he is an immediate danger to himself or others, involuntary commitment is not going to happen. In fact, one of the worst rehabs is an involuntary rehab.
Your trying to be “helpful” here may actually be a bad thing for your nephew as it deprives him the opportunity to confront his disease. You may have the right, loving intentions but for the wrong situation. It would be helpful to you and possibly for him that you learn how to detach yourself from this situation with love. Your nephew could hit rock bottom and then enter recovery, a lifelong process - there is no cure for this disease. Or he could die. That is the reality - one might feel like one is watching a train wreck in slow motion, and yet denies the reality that if one tries to stop it, one will be crushed by the train wreck. For those of us who are quietly out here, we are in your shoes, we are with you. Find your Al-Anon or narc-Anon and begin your own recovery in how to live with this terrible disease that afflicts your loved one. You need to take care of yourself now. It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it. Those who recommended this to me 8 years ago, for them I am eternally grateful. Good luck.
I am not in favor calling a sin issue a disease. The medical model is a failure and is pinned on whatever language is written into whatever version of the DSM being used.
It’s a spiritual issue. So go to the Creator who created him. Church and prayer isn’t a add-on. Jesus said in Matthew 28 that “All authority in heaven and earth is given to me.” The context is global missions to spread the Gospel.
But all means all, and we learn in John chapter 1 that he has created everything.
Thanks. And yes, at this point in time I have given up on trying to “help.” The effort to help took way more out of me than any benefit that was actually derived.
Great post. Thanks.
I only know about my brother and my parents are deceased. Mom had files upon files of research. I wish now I had paid better attention and asked more questions.
Yes, we are worried about that, but not too much as we've never seen any real evidence of it. The father is an intelligent, highly educated man, an accountant, while his son is, I hate to admit it and may be wrong, is a flake.What is he doing that he’s so well known to the cops that they’re always frisking him and up in his business?
I'm almost 100% certain he's talking about his drug activities.
Thank you so much. We do need prayers and appreciate every one of them.
I’m sure he’s stolen from us... One of the last times I saw him my HP41C was on my desk when he arrived, and I haven’t seen it since. Are you kidding me? He can’t add one and one! And he swiped my 41C??? It’s a collector’s item now. Worth hundreds. Probably got five bucks at some pawn shop.
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