Posted on 06/08/2021 10:26:36 AM PDT by upchuck
Some tickles for your Tuesday...
1. A missionary, in Africa, was out taking a walk in the jungle. Suddenly, he heard a noise from the brush in front of him. It was a lion. He started to back up and heard a noise from behind. Sure enough, it was another lion. He looked to his left and then to his right. You guessed it, lions were on both sides. It looked grim, so the missionary sat down where he was and started to read his Bible. Shortly after he started reading, the lions jumped the missionary and ate him.
Moral of the story: Never read between the lions.
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2. A lady went skiing and halfway down the hill had to go to the bathroom. No facilities nearby, she found a sheltered area, dropped her pants and proceeded to relieve herself.
Suddenly she found herself beginning to slide backwards, out into the open and down the slope with her pants around her knees. She crashed and broke her leg.
The paramedics rushed her to the local hospital. The doctor walked into her room. Laughing hysterically, he said, "You're not going to believe this, but the guy in the next room claims he fell off the ski lift and broke his leg because he saw a naked lady skiing backwards down the mountain!"
As he began to compose himself, he asked, "So, how did you break your leg??"
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3. A man tried to sell a dog to his neighbor. "This dog can talk," he said, "and he could be yours for only five dollars!"
The neighbor said: "What do I look like? An idiot? There ain't no such thing as a talking dog."
Suddenly the dog looked up with tears in his eyes and pleaded: "Please buy me, Sir! This man is cruel. He never gives me enough to eat, he never takes me for a walk, and he never bathes me! Before he kidnapped me, I used to be a famous trick dog. I performed on TV and before the Royal Family of England."
"Wow!," said the neighbor, "That mutt really can talk! Why would you want to sell him for five lousy bucks?"
"Because I'm getting tired of all his lies."
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4. Arguing with a woman is like reading a software license agreement......in the end, you ignore it all and click "I agree."
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5. Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break about being out late the night before.
The first man signed to his friend, "My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed, and not get into trouble."
“The second deaf man signed back, "Boy you're lucky. My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me and giving me hell for being out so late."
The first deaf man asked, "So, what did you do?" The second man replied, "I turned out the light."
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6. An old man was eating in a truck stop when three bikers walked in.
The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man’s pie and then took a seat at the counter.
The second walked up to the old man, spit into the old man’s milk and then he took a seat at the counter.
The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man’s plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.
Onlookers were completely shocked at the men’s behavior, but the old man didn’t seem to be fazed in the slightest.
Without a word of protest, he quietly left the diner.
Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, “Humph, not much of a man, was he?”
The waitress replied, “Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles.”
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7. A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married. He says, "Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.
Later, he says, "Okay Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The one on the right."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"
His mother replied, "I don't like her."
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8. So this is how they do it... One of life's great mysteries solved!
(Just twenty years ago, no one would have understood this joke!)
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9. A guy walks into a bar and notices three pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling.
'What's that about?' He asks.
"Oh," the bartender says, "if you can jump up and slap one of them you drink for free for the rest of the night. If you miss, then you have to buy a round for everyone else in the bar. What to try?"
"Nah,", the guy replies. "The steaks are too high."
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10. Facebook and Instagram went down on Wednesday, which meant people don't know where to go to be outraged, post photos of their food, or get their news from Russian hackers.
"I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook by applying the same principals. Every day I walk down the street and tell strangers what I have eaten that day, how I feel and what I'm doing later. I give them pictures of myself and my family, my dog, me watering my lawn, me standing in front of famous landmarks. Then I listen to what they say and give them a "thumbs up" and tell them I like them.
It works just like Facebook! I now have four people following me. Two police officers, one psychiatrist and a private investigator."
Joe Biden likes to take a stroll through the Redwood forest to look at all the trees he planted as a kid…
Loved it, been there, done that
Those onesies would have been cute.. Almost as cute as “celebrated poopers”.
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