Posted on 03/26/2021 2:54:52 PM PDT by Trillian
Let's have some fun!
A recently divorced man is walking along the beach after having lost most of his possessions to his ex-wife, trying to clear his head. He spots a bottle half-buried in the sand and picks it up and begins dusting it off. Out pops a genie (well, what were you expecting?).
“Thank you for freeing me from the bottle,” the genie says to him. “As a display of my gratitude, I will grant you three wishes.”
“Well, that’s the best thing that’s happened to me in quite some time!” the man says. “My divorce just became final, and my ex got almost everything.”
The genie pauses for a moment, then says, “I can still grant you three wishes, but whatever you wish for, your wife will get twice as much.”
“Fair enough,” the man says. “My first wish is to have ten million dollars.”
“Your wish is granted,” says the genie. “But of course, your ex-wife gets twenty million dollars.”
“Okay, for my second wish, I want a new Mercedes-Benz,” the man says.
A new Mercedes-Benz suddenly appears in the parking lot nearby. “Your wish is granted, but your ex-wife now has two of them.”
The man then stands there quietly for a moment. “You still have one more wish,” the genie reminds him.
The man replies, “Yes, I know. I want to make sure it’s a good one.”
After thinking for a couple minutes, the man says, “I want to be beaten half to death.”
Ahapless fellow finds genie. Is told he has three wishes.
First wish “Be valued”
Genie turns him into bar of gold.
Second wish: “Come back to life.”
Genie turns him into a lettuce plant.
No third wish because “I’m going to quit while I’m ahead.”
I thought I saw a pic of the news conference and it appeared to show only about 10 reporters.
LOL
“Oh yeah, I think she passes the sniff test.”
Every day is silly Friday with Biden.
Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room
and I said to her, I never want to live in a vegetative state,
dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.
If that ever happens, just pull the plug.
She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out my beer.
It’s just too hot to wear clothes today, Jack says as he stepped
out of the shower, honey, what do you think the neighbors would think
if I mowed the lawn like this?
Probably that I married you for your money, she replied.
I had a dream the other night.
I was in the old West riding in a stagecoach.
Suddenly, a man riding a horse pulls up to the
left side of the stagecoach, and a riderless horse
pulls up on the right.
The man leans down, pulls open the door, and jumps
off his horse into the stagecoach. Then he opens the
door on the other side and jumps onto the other horse.
Just before he rode off, I yelled out,
What was all that about?
He replied,
Nothing. It’s just a stage I’m going through.
A study conducted by UCLA’s Department of Psychiatry
has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive
on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged
and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal,
she tends to be more attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple
and tape over his mouth while he is on fire.
No further studies are expected.
A preacher visits an old lady who can no longer leave her house.
As he sits with her he ask if he could have a few peanuts in a bowl
on her coffee table. Of course she says yes, glad to have the company.
After a while the preacher realizes he has eaten all the peanuts.
He apologizes and vows to bring more on his next visit. The lady says,
That’s okay. I can only suck the chocolate off them.
Did you hear what happened to the butcher?
He backed into a meat slicer and got a little behind in his work.
THE FUNERAL
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral.
A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket
during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened,
and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing
the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.
When all eyes stared at him, he said, I’m sorry, I was just thinking
of my own funeral. I’m a gynecologist. That’s when the proctologist fainted.
Good one!!!
Okay...
Why did the Chinese doctor cross the road?
Because he had a cotton swab stuck in a Chinaman.
On the bossom of dear Abigail,
Was written the price of her tail,
And on her behind,
For the sake of the blind,
Was the same information in braille.
With thanks to the Corries.
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