Posted on 12/04/2020 8:55:09 AM PST by Colonial35
Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road. Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road. Cop says For Heaven sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging about!
A single glass at night could mean a peaceful, uninterrupted night’s sleep.
New Wine for Seniors , I kid you not.
Clare Valley vintners in South Australia, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc,
Pinot Noir, and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts
as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the
bathroom during the night.
The new wine will be marketed as
PINO MORE
Baby Scales A blonde holding a baby walks into a drug store and asks the clerk
if she can use the store’s baby scale. Sorry, ma’am, says the clerk.
Our baby scale is broken. But we can figure the baby’s weight if we weigh mother
and baby together on the adult scale, and then weigh the mother alone,
and subtract the second number from the first. Oh, that won’t work, says the blonde.
Why not? asks the clerk. Because, she answers, I’m not the mother - I’m the aunt.
The book store.
So, there I was, walking down the street one day, when I saw that there was a
Muslim Book Store.
I began to wonder, and I say to myself, what exactly is in a Muslim book store? MMmmmm
So, I went in.
As I was wandering around, the clerk gave me the stink eye and asked if he could help me.
I imagine I didn’t look like his normal clientele, so I asked, Do you have a copy of
Donald Trump’s book on his U.S. immigration policy regarding Muslims and illegal aliens?
The clerk said, Kiss my ass, get out, and stay out!
I said, Yes, that’s the one. Do you have it in paperback?
After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks kinda strange so she
decides to do a DNA test. She finds out that the kid is actually from completely
different parents. Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you.
Husband: What’s up? Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not our kid.
Husband: Well you don’t remember, do you? When we were leaving the hospital, you
noticed that our baby had pooped, then you said: Please go change the baby, I’ll
wait for you here. So I went inside, got a clean one and left the dirty one there.
Moral: Never give a man a job for which he is not qualified.
THE PREACHERS SON
An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy
should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men his age,
the boy didn’t really know what he wanted to do, and he didn’t seem too concerned about it.
One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment.
He went into the boy’s room and placed on his study table four objects.
1. A Bible.....
2. A silver dollar.....
3. A bottle of whiskey.....
4. And a Playboy magazine.....
I’ll just hide behind the door, the old preacher said to himself. When he comes home
from school today, I’ll see which object he picks up. If it’s the Bible, he’s going to
be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar,
he’s going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the
bottle, he’s going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be.
And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine, he’s going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer.
The old man waited anxiously and soon heard his son’s foot-steps as he entered the
house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he
turned to leave the room, he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye,
he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under
his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the
bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month’s centerfold.
Lord have mercy, the old preacher disgustedly whispered.
He’s gonna run for Congress!
FOR THOSE OF US WHO REMEMBER
These great questions and answers are from the days when Hollywood Squares game show
responses were spontaneous, not scripted!
Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you’re going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You’ve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That’s what’s been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he
is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he’s married?
A. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. What are Do It, I Can Help, and I Can’t Get Enough?
A. George Gobel: I don’t know, but it’s coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter,
and I’ll give you a gesture you’ll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell’s Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you’ve just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any
during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I’m too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what’s a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I’m always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit
of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head,
what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has
actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
WE DON’T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD, WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHING.
Jewish Tie Salesman
A fleeing Taliban terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through
the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to
find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a very frail little
old Jewish man standing at a small makeshift display rack selling ties.
The Taliban terrorist asked, Do you have water? The Jewish man replied,
I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.
The Taliban shouted hysterically, Idiot Infidel! I do not need such an
over-priced western adornment I spit on your ties. I need water! Sorry,
I have none just ties pure silk and only $5. Pahh! A curse on your ties,
I should wrap one around your scrawny little neck and choke the life out of you,
but I must conserve my energy and find water! Okay, said the little old Jewish man,
it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me or that you hate me,
threaten my life and call me infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that.
If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant.
It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you need Go In Peace!
Cursing him again, the desperate Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later, he crawled back, almost dead and gasped,
They won’t let me in without a tie!
It’s FRIDAY???
Well I USED TO know that because Thursday nights I’d eat and rink for free at my friend’s restaurant and vent a little.
Now that’s outlawed.
It’s like we have the Burgermeister Meisterburger running things at the local and state levels.
Gotta get me a semi of that stuff.
Someone must have spied on me when I was young, but I didn’t run for Congress.
As a big fan of Pinot Grigio, I approve of this Medical Breakthrough!
Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced,
Not guilty. That’s grand! shouted Reilly. Does that mean I can keep the money?
Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink.
Quinn thinks he’s very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.
Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, Is that you I hear spittin in the vase on
the mantel piece? No, said himself, but I’m gettin closer all the time.
Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up til two o’clock in the morning.
I can’t break her out of it. Keenan: What on earth is she doin at that time?
Finnegin: Waitin for me to come home!
Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. Quick! he said. Send an ambulance,
my wife is goin to have a baby! Tell me, is this her first baby? the intern asked.
No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin.
Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon
waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?
As I get older, I realize
#1 - I talk to myself, because there are times I need expert advice.
#2 - I consider “On Trend” to be the clothes that still fit.
#3 - I don’t need anger management I need people to stop pissing me off.
#4 - My people skills are just fine It’s my tolerance for idiots that needs work.
#5 - The biggest lie I tell myself is I don’t need to write that down. I’ll remember it.
#6 - I have days when my life is just one tent short of a circus.
#7 - These days, on time is when I get there.
#8 - Even duct tape can’t fix stupid but it does muffle the sound some.
#9 - Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes,
then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?
#10 - Lately, I’ve noticed people my age are so much older than me.
#11 - Getting lucky means walking into a room and remembering why I am there.
#12 - When I was a child, I thought nap time was punishment.
Now it feels like a mini vacation.
#13 - Some days I have no idea what I’m doing out of bed.
#14 - I thought growing old would take longer.
#15 - Aging sure has slowed me down, but it hasn’t shut me up.
#16 - I still haven’t learned to act my age.
I like the one about the telephone repair guy!
So the small-town pastor was visiting with the priest in the next town over,
lamenting that someone had stolen his bicycle. The priest said Well practically
everybody in town goes to your church. Why don’t you do a sermon on the Ten
Commandments and they’ll feel so guilty about Do not Steal that they’ll return it.
The next week the pastor comes pedaling down the road on his bike to visit the priest.
Ha I knew someone would return it to you!
Oh. Well not really. I got to the one about Thou shalt not commit adultery
and remembered where I had left it.
“Bitish humor” hmmmm. That’s just another kind of Oxford moron, right?
Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London.
Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.
Riots in Birmingham last month caused over 1 million worth of improvements.
Muslims have gone on the rampage in Manchester, killing anyone who’s English.
Police fear the death toll could be as high as 8 or 9.
Years ago it was suggested that: “An apple a day keeps the doctor away”.
But, since most doctors are now Muslim, I’ve found that a bacon sandwich works great!
Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque.
They’ve told the public not to panic as they’ve managed to push it inside.
Minorities in the UK have complained that there are not enough television
shows with minorities in mind, so Crime Watch is being shown 5 times a week now.
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low?
I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor
balcony, shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him: What’s up Abdul, won’t it start?
A VERY GOOD EXAMPLE OF THE KIND OF REPRESENTATION WE HAVE IN CONGRESS, TRUE STORY:
A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi
happened to appear.
Ms Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a
question with which he was most at ease.
Would you mind telling me, Doctor, she asked, how you detect a mental deficiency
in somebody who appears completely normal?
Nothing is easier, he replied. You ask a simple question which anyone should answer
with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the right track.
What sort of question? asked Pelosi.
Well, you might ask, Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died
during one of them. Which one?
Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, You wouldn’t happen to
have another example would you? I must confess I don’t know much about history.
A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste) of first graders using a bowl
of lifesavers. She asked them to close their eyes, and gave them the following colors.
The children began to identify the flavours by their colour:
Red......................Cherry
Yellow..................Lemon
Green....................Lime
Orange...............Orange
Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. After eating them with their
eyes closed, none of the children could identify the taste.
Well, she said, I will give you all a clue. It’s what your mother may sometimes
call your father.
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled,
Spit it out! They’re a**holes!
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