A man comes home from work one day and finds his wife packing all her clothes
into suitcases. “What are you doing?” he asks.”
“I’m leaving you and moving to Las Vegas,” she says.
“Why?” he asks.
His wife replies, “I found out that in Las Vegas I can make $400 for what I’ve
been giving you for free.”
The man drags out a suitcase and begins packing his own clothes into it.
“What are YOU doing?” his wife asks.
“I’m coming with you,” he replies.
“I want to see you try living on $800 a year.”
As it’s no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic
minority, try this one:
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk,
an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian,
a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Jordanian, a Kiwi, a Swede, a Finn, a Canadian, an Israeli,
a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian,
a Norwegian, an Argentinian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist and
an African went to a night club.
The bouncer said, “Sorry, I can’t let you in without a Thai. “
Welfare Office
A woman walks into the downtown Harrisburg welfare office, trailed by 15 kids.
‘WOW,’ the social worker exclaims, ‘are they all yours?”
‘Yep, they are all mine,’ the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question
a thousand times before.
She says, ‘Sit down Leroy.’ All the children rush to find seats.
Well,’ says the social worker, ‘then you must be here to sign up.
I’ll need all your children’s names.’
Well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named Leroy and the girls are all named Leighroy.
In disbelief, the case worker says, ‘Are you serious? They’re ALL named Leroy?’
Their momma replied, ‘Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it’s time to get them out
of bed and ready for school, I yell, ‘Leroy!’ An’ when it’s time for dinner,
I just yell ‘Leroy!’ An they all comes a running.
An’ if I need to stop the kid who’s running into the street, I just yell Leroy’
and all of them stop. It’s the smartest idea I ever had, namin’ them all Leroy.’
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says
tentatively, ‘But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?’
‘Then I call them by their last names..’
THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS,
BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THERE THAN CASINOS.
NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS
RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.
SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A
METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.
THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY
FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.
THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS.
As a Bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to
play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends,
so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man,
I didn’t stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the
funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.
I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place.
I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.
I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.
I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played “Amazing Grace”, the workers began to weep.
They wept, I wept, we all wept together.
When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.
Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say,
“I never seen nothing like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks
for twenty years.”
Apparently I’m still lost....it’s a man thing
Today I had to go to Sears.
As I approached the entrance, I noticed a driver looking for a parking space.
I flagged the driver and pointed out a handicap parking space that was open and available.
The driver looked puzzled, rolled down her window and said, “I’m not handicapped!”
Well, as you can imagine, my face was red!
“Oh, I’m sorry” I said. “I saw your Biden bumper sticker and just assumed that you
suffered from a mental disorder.”
She gave me the finger and screamed some nasty names at me.
Boy! Some people don’t appreciate it when you’re just trying to help them out!
Hooray! Happy Friday Y’all!
Roy Rogers was more than a movie and TV actor/cowboy. He really did run many head of cattle on his ranch with his wife, Dale Evans, a country western super star singer .
When he wasn’t filming, he’d get up early and work the cattle with his hired hands. Being a celebrity, he could afford expensive saddles, horses and, of course, hand-made boots. Now you and I might save boot like these for special occasions, but Roy wore these just like a daily pair. In fact, he just got a new pair of custom boots with wonderful stitching and his initials embroidered in the leather. They were works of art!
The first day he wore these boots, and with his day’s work done, he rode into the yard, tied up Trigger and took off his boots before entering the house for the hearty dinner Dale prepared. Hardly any sooner than he sat down for his vittles, there was a great commotion on the porch. Roy jumped up and ran to the window only to see a mountain lion grab up his new boots and brazenly run off with them. This did not stand well with Roy!
“Gosh darn it Dale! That dang cougar took my new boots. I’m going to get that gol darn thing! Hold dinner for me”, he said. Roy and his side kick, Pat Brady, saddled up and rode off into the sunset looking for the puma.
An hour later, he comes riding back into the ranch yard. There’s Dale, at the kitchen sink doing the night’s dishes, looking out the window, when she sees that large cat slung over the shoulders of Trigger and a happy Roy, with his new boots back. Being a gifted singer, (here it comes!) she sang out to Roy as he rode in “Pardon me Roy! Is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?”
A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home.
On the way he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, “Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?”
The farmer said, “Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there, but I can’t carry all of this.”
The old lady suggested, “Why don’t you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?”
“Why, thank you very much,” he said, and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says, “Let’s take a short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time.”
The little old lady looked him over cautiously, and then said, “I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?”
The farmer said, “Holy smokes lady! I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?”
The old lady replied, “Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.”
**
As part of his weekly supermarket shop, a man went to the meat counter to buy a pack of boneless chicken breasts but was disappointed because they were all too small.
So he complained to the butcher and she promised to pack up some more and to have them ready for him by the time he had finished his shopping.
He continued with the rest of his shopping until a few aisles further on, he heard her voice boom out over the public address system:
“Will the gentleman who was looking for bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store.”
**
A woman decided to have her own portrait painted by a very famous artist.She told the artist, “Paint me with 3 carat diamond earrings, a large diamond necklace, glimmering emerald bracelets, and a beautiful red ruby pendant.”
“But ma’am, you are not wearing any of those things.”
“I know,” she said. “My health is not good and my husband is having an affair with his secretary.
When I die I’m sure he will marry her, and I want the bitch to go nuts looking for the jewelry.”
Word got around and the local TV station thought they'd do a human interest story on her. These sorts the news stories usually were assigned to newest reporters as they were thought to be “fluff” stories and often got bumped if there was some more pressing news to report.
The young reporter and her production crew went to the elderly couple's house and started the interview. She was determined to turn the story into something that surely wouldn't get bumped.
“So Mrs Smith, how are you able to forecast the weather so accurately?”, the reporter asked.
“Oh my dear,” said the sweet lady. “That's simple. I get out of bed before my husband Edgar. While he's still asleep, I pull down the covers and take a look at “it”. If "it" is laying on his left side, it will be a sunny day. And if “it” is laying on his right side, rain is coming.”
The young reporter sensed a “gotcha” moment, certain this would get her story on air “And (she winked, with a smirk), what happens if “it” is in the middle?”
“Dear child, that is simple. If “it” is in the middle, I get back into bed!”
On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:
One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:
I was browsing in the Men’s department at Neiman Marcus when a knitted black designer blazer caught my eye.
Although the tag said it was on sale, it still cost more than I cared to spend. Tempting fate, I tried it on. Just then, a sales lady appeared. “It fits you perfectly,” she said.
“Yes,” I said, “but I really don’t need it.”
Without missing a beat, she replied, “We don’t see things that people need.”
John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded,
rural area of Georgia.
After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John’s grandfather
prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like
substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking,
“Are these plates clean?”
His grandfather replied, “They’re as clean as cold water can get them.
Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!”
For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates
as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg
and asked, “Are you sure these plates are clean?”
Without looking up the old man said, “I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are
as clean as cold water can get them. Now don’t you fret, I don’t want to hear
another word about it!”
Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving,
his grandfather’s dog started to growl, and wouldn’t let him pass.
John yelled and said, “Grandfather, your dog won’t let me get to my car”.
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV,
the old man shouted ... “COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN!!!!”
English is full of contradiction!
Here are some funny oxymorons:
1) Found Missing
2) Open Secret
3) Small Crowd
4) Act Naturally
5) Clearly Misunderstood
6) Fully Empty
7) Pretty Ugly
8) Seriously Funny
9) Only Choice
10) Original Copies
11) Exact Estimate
12) Tragic Comedy
13) Foolish Wisdom
14) Liquid Gas
And The newest Mother of all Oxymorons is-
15) Social distancing
Boooooooooooooooo!
The hunchback said “Let me show you.” Together, the hunchback and the priest climb the bell tower to the very top. The hunchback bent over, and ran as fast as he could and hit the bell with his head. The bell rang. But the hunchback ricocheted out of the bell tower and plummeted several stories to the sidewalk below.
A crowd gathered around his body. People asked “Who is this man?” “Where did he come from?” No one knew, but a voice in the back said “I don't know who he is, but his face rings a bell.”
The next day the hunchback's twin brother was walking down the street past the same church. He saw the sign that said “Bell ringer needed.” He told the priest he wanted the job. The priest was skeptical, but the hunchback said “Let me prove it to you.”
Together they climbed many stories to the top of the bell tower. The hunchback bent over and ran as hard as he could and hit the bell with his head. The bell rang. But the hunchback ricocheted off the bell tower and fell many stories to the street below.
A crowd gathered around his body. People asked “Who is this guy?” “Where did he come from?” No one knew. But a voice in the back said “I don't know who he is, but he's a dead ringer for the guy that was here yesterday.”