A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home.
On the way he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, “Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?”
The farmer said, “Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there, but I can’t carry all of this.”
The old lady suggested, “Why don’t you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?”
“Why, thank you very much,” he said, and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says, “Let’s take a short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time.”
The little old lady looked him over cautiously, and then said, “I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?”
The farmer said, “Holy smokes lady! I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?”
The old lady replied, “Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.”
**
As part of his weekly supermarket shop, a man went to the meat counter to buy a pack of boneless chicken breasts but was disappointed because they were all too small.
So he complained to the butcher and she promised to pack up some more and to have them ready for him by the time he had finished his shopping.
He continued with the rest of his shopping until a few aisles further on, he heard her voice boom out over the public address system:
“Will the gentleman who was looking for bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store.”
**
A woman decided to have her own portrait painted by a very famous artist.She told the artist, “Paint me with 3 carat diamond earrings, a large diamond necklace, glimmering emerald bracelets, and a beautiful red ruby pendant.”
“But ma’am, you are not wearing any of those things.”
“I know,” she said. “My health is not good and my husband is having an affair with his secretary.
When I die I’m sure he will marry her, and I want the bitch to go nuts looking for the jewelry.”
Cowboy rules for:
Arizona, Texas, Oklahoma, Colorado, New Mexico, Wyoming, Montana, North Dakota,
South Dakota, Utah, Nebraska, Idaho, and the rest of the Wild West are as follows:
1. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
2. Turn your cap right, your head ain’t crooked.
3. Let’s get this straight: it’s called a ‘gravel road.’ I drive a pickup truck
because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you’re gonna get dust on your Lexus.
Drive it or get out of the way.
4. They are cattle. That’s why they smell like cattle. They smell like money to us.
Get over it. Don’t like it? I-10 & I-40 go east and west, I-17 & I-15 goes north and south. Pick one and go.
5. So you have a $60,000 car. We’re impressed. We have $250,000 Combines that
are driven only 3 weeks a year.
6. Every person in the Wild West waves. It’s called being friendly.
Try to understand the concept.
7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of geese/pheasants/ducks/doves are
comin’ in during a hunt, we WILL shoot it outta your hand.
You better hope you don’t have it up to your ear at the time.
8. Yeah. We eat trout, salmon, deer and elk. You really want sushi and caviar?
It’s available at the corner bait shop.
9. The ‘Opener’ refers to the first day of deer season.
It’s a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.
10.. We open doors for women. That’s applied to all women, regardless of age..
11. No, there’s no ‘vegetarian special’ on the menu. Order steak, or you can
order the Chef’s Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham and turkey.
12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads.
We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup! Oh, yeah ... We don’t care what
you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat... IT AIN’T REAL CHILI!!
13. You bring ‘Coke’ into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice.
You bring ‘Mary Jane’ into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot,
drive a truck, and have long hair.
14. College and High School Football is as important here as the Giants,
the Yankees, the Mets, the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.
15. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don’t hit the water hazards - it spooks the fish.
16. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump ain’t music, anyway.
We don’t want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers! Refer back to #1!