Posted on 10/02/2020 8:14:14 AM PDT by Colonial35
Irish Court Case
The judge says to a double-homicide defendant...”You’re charged with beating
your wife to death with a hammer.”
A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, “You bastard!”
The judge says, “You’re also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death
with a hammer.”
The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, “You rotten bastard!”
The judge stops and says to Paddy in the back of the courtroom.
“Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes,
but no more outbursts from you, or I’ll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?”
Paddy stands up and says, “I’m sorry, Your Honor, but for fifteen years
I’ve lived next door to that arsehole, and every time I asked
to borrow a hammer, he said he didn’t have one.
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING,
SURELY I CAN’T LOOK THAT OLD? WELL YOU’LL LOVE THIS ONE.
MY NAME IS MARY , AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST
APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL,
WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME,
DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME
30-ODD YEARS AGO.
COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?
UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.
THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD
TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.
AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK
HIGH SCHOOL. YES. YES, I DID. I’M A MUSTANG,’ HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?’ I ASKED. HE ANSWERED, ‘IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?’
YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!’, I EXCLAIMED. HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.
THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALDING, WRINKLED FACED, FAT, GRAY HAIRED,
DECREPIT, MISERABLE, SOB ASKED ME, “WHAT SUBJECT DID you teach?
An Irish Priest was transferred to Texas.
He rose from his bed one fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish.
He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day
and noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.
He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this:
“Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?”
“And the best of the day to yourself. This is Father O’Malley at
St. Ann’s Catholic Church. There’s a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and
would ye be so kind as to send a couple o’ yer lads to take care of the matter.”
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the accent,
thought he would have a little fun with the good Father, replied,
“Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!”
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. Then, Father O’Malley replied,
“Aye, ‘tis certainly true;
but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first,
which is the reason for me call.”
A co-worker told Bubba that his wife was being unfaithful everyday at 1:30 in the
afternoon with Bubba’s best friend.
Worried and hurt, Bubba ran home at 1:30 to see if this was true.
He came back to the office contented and relieved.
His co-worker asked him how it went.
“Look,” said Bubba, “don’t start such terrible rumors!
That guy isn’t my best friend... I don’t even know him.”
My Wife, Judy, had been after me for several weeks to varnish the wooden
seat on our toilet. Finally, I got around to doing it while Judy was out.
After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned.
She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower,
she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the
not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.
About that time, I got home and realized her predicament.
We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever.
Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts. Judy wrapped a sheet
around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room.
The ER doctor got her into a position where he could study how to
free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.)
Judy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, “Well, Doctor,
I’ll bet you’ve never seen anything like this before.”
The Doctor replied, “Actually, I’ve seen lots of them.
I just never saw one mounted and framed.”
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that
most people die of natural causes
Today, the World Health Organization (W.H.O.) advised that Covid-19
could not be transmitted from dogs to human.
They further advised dogs no longer need to be quarantined.
In other words, WHO let the dogs out
If you get an Email with “Knock, Knock” in the subject line, don’t open it.
It’s just a Jehovah’s Witness missionary working from home.
TV news reporter:”The CDC says to refrain from handshakes”
Jeffery Dahmer: (stops his blender) “Dang!!!”
By the way, who killed Jeff Epstein and what will be done about it?
I think it’s Jeff Epstien’s Steel Company
Making the Wall Jeff’s Last Erection.
The Smiths were dining out when his wife noticed a familiar face at the bar.
“Honey,” she said as she pointed the guy out, “that guy at the bar has been
drinking like that since I left him seven years ago.”
Her husband say, “That’s silly, no one celebrates that much!”
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could barely see over
the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection.
The stoplight was red but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself,
“I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light.”
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection, the light was red,
and again they went right through. This time, the passenger was almost sure that
the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things.
She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they
went right through it.
She turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred!
Did you know that you ran through three red lights in a row?
You could have killed us!” Mildred turned to her and said,
“Oh S**t! Am I driving?”
I called an old buddy and asked what was he doing.
He replied that he is working on “Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics,
plastics, aluminium and steel under a constrained environment”.
I was impressed.
On further inquiry, I learned that he was washing dishes with hot water...
under his wife’s supervision.
Little Johnny’s mother was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of
the bottle. During her struggle, the phone rang so she asked four-year-old
Johnny to answer the phone.
Little Johnny ran out into the living room and answered the phone.
“Mommy, it’s the minister,” he said to his mother.
From the kitchen, Johnny’s mom said, “Tell him I’ll call him back.”
Little Johnny spoke into the phone saying,
“Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now.
She’s hitting the bottle.”
Bless you child!! LOL
What did Robinson Crusoe say when he saw footprints in the sand?
“ Thank God, it’s Friday!”
Wonderful.
Is that racist?
Seriesly, I’ve dealt with a lot of people who looked 10 years older than me, only to find out they were actually 10 years younger than me.
WHAT THE HELL YOU WANT?
Oh, hello, Reverend...
You meet two engineers. Do you know which one is extroverted and which one is not?
The extroverted one stares down at YOUR shoes......
There are two gay Irishmen. Do you know what their names are?
Michael Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzmichael
It’s not the years, it’s the mileage...
Now that you’ve opened the Sven door:
Sven says to Ole “I found dis pen, is it yours?”
Ole replies, “Don’t know, give it here.”
He then tries it and says “Yes it is.”
Sven asks “How do you know?”
Ole replies, “Dat’s my handwriting!”
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