Posted on 09/01/2020 4:00:05 AM PDT by sodpoodle
An annual competition is held by the New York Times to see who can create the best original lexophile. This year's submissions:
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I'd swear I've never met herbivore.
I know a guy who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.
A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
A will is a dead giveaway.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
Police were summoned to a day care centr e where a three year old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.
A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered.
He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed.
When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.
Acupuncture is a jab well done . That's the point of it.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
When chemists die, they barium.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
I'm r eading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.
My dad unfortunately passed away when we couldn’t remember his blood type… His last words to us were, “Be positive!”
I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought… “That’s the last thing I need!”
Bad puns…it’s how eye roll.
Pretty good.
Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
Don’t trust atoms, they make up everything.
R.I.P boiled water. You will be mist.
Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me, it means a lot.
What is the best thing about living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
The pot smoke was so thick in San Francisco that I walked into a pole.
“KURWA!” he said.
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