Posted on 05/14/2020 3:12:31 AM PDT by sodpoodle
Three California surgeons were playing golf one Saturday and they started to brag on their accomplishments ---
The first one said " I had a patient that cut off four fingers on a table saw and I reattached them so well he now is playing the guitar in a band!"
The second doctor said " I had a patient who was in a bad motorcycle accident and lost his leg and arm. I reattached them and now he's training for the Olympic gymnast team!"
The third said " That's pretty good, but I had a patient who was riding her horse down a railroad track and was hit by a high speed train.
All they could find was the horse's ass and her hair. I put them together and now she's the Speaker of the House
Funny, good way to start the morning.
lol.....needed that!
lol.....needed that!
“Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.
“That depends, Sir, “ said Disraeli, “whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.”
-A member of Parliament to Disraeli
“He had delusions of adequacy .”
-Walter Kerr
“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.”
- Winston Churchill
“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.”
-Clarence Darrow
“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.”
-William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.”
-Moses Hadas
“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”
-Mark Twain
“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.”
-Oscar Wilde
“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one.”
-George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
“Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one.”
-Winston Churchill, in response
“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.”
-Stephen Bishop
“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.”
-John Bright
“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.”
-Irvin S. Cobb
“He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.”
-Samuel Johnson
“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.”
- Paul Keating
“In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.”
-Charles, Count Talleyrand
“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.”
-Forrest Tucker
“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?”
-Mark Twain
“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.”
-Mae West
“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.”
-Oscar Wilde
“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination.”
-Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.”
-Billy Wilder
“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I’m afraid this wasn’t it.”
-Groucho Marx
“Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.
“That depends, Sir, “ said Disraeli, “whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.”
-A member of Parliament to Disraeli
“He had delusions of adequacy .”
-Walter Kerr
“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.”
- Winston Churchill
“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.”
-Clarence Darrow
“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.”
-William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.”
-Moses Hadas
“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”
-Mark Twain
“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.”
-Oscar Wilde
“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one.”
-George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
“Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one.”
-Winston Churchill, in response
“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.”
-Stephen Bishop
“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.”
-John Bright
“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.”
-Irvin S. Cobb
“He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.”
-Samuel Johnson
“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.”
- Paul Keating
“In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.”
-Charles, Count Talleyrand
“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.”
-Forrest Tucker
“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?”
-Mark Twain
“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.”
-Mae West
“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.”
-Oscar Wilde
“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination.”
-Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.”
-Billy Wilder
“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I’m afraid this wasn’t it.”
-Groucho Marx
Fine collection there, sodpoddle.
btt
Q: If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high?
A: Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q: True or false...a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A: George Gobel: Boy it sure seems that way sometimes...
Q: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A: Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he's really attractive, is it okay to come out directly and ask him if he's married?
A: Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.
Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A: Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I love you"?
A: Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q: What are "Do It", "I Can Help" and "Can't Get Enough"?
A: George Gobel: I don't know but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while you are talking?
A: Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing older question, Peter...and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget!
Q: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A: Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q: Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during your first year?
A: Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I'm too busy growing strawberries!
Q: In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A: Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other?
A: Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q: During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A: Rose Marie: Unfortunately, Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q: Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A: Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A: Paul Lynde: Make him bark.
Q: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A: Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q: According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A: Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!
Q: Is it possible for the puppies in a litter to have more than one daddy?
A: Paul Lynde: Why, that bitch!
Q: While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" What does that mean?
A: George Goebel: Cattle crossing.
Q: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body - what is it?
A: Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected!
Q: Charley, what do you call a pig that weighs more than 150 pounds?
A: Charley Weaver: A divorcee.
Q: Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A: George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q: Dennis Weaver, Debbie Reynolds, and Shelley Winters star in the movie "What's The Matter With Helen?" Who plays Helen?
A: Charley Weaver: Dennis Weaver - that's why they asked the question.
Q: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A: Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q: When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for it's sex?
A: Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.
Q: James Stewart did it over twenty years ago when he was forty-one years old. Now he says it was "one of the best things I ever did." What was it?
A: Marty Allen: Rhonda Fleming.
Q: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A: Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q: Do female frogs croak?
A: Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q: Imagine you are a child in your mother's womb, can you detect light?
A: Paul Lynde: Only during ballet practice
A collection so nice that you posted it twice!
Funny. And a tad bit of sarcastic truth too.
Very good collection.
Just sent it to the retirement center for their daily laugh. Thanks.
Just wanted to let you know that I enjoy reading your postings.
:)
Hollywood Squares: In what state was Abraham Lincoln born?
Paul Lynde: Same as everybody else. Naked and screaming.
He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.
-Samuel Johnson
LOL that sounds just like the democrat party.
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